DATING FORUM

By: Baila Sebrow

Question

My beautiful daughter is slowly wasting away because the boy she is engaged to keeps pushing her to lose weight. My daughter went from a size 8/10 to a size 2 in just a few months. When the shadchan first redt us the shidduch, we were told by different people that he was looking for a super thin girl. They were even surprised that he said yes to my daughter. After they started going out, at first, I was happy that she started eating more salads and other healthy foods, and I did see that she was losing weight, but I didn’t think it would become an obsession. Even now at a size 2, she tells me that he told her she could stand to lose a few more pounds. If she loses any more weight she will disappear. Our married daughter pointed out to us that if we look on the avenue, you can how the newly married women become super skinny because that’s what the young married men want today. They want billboard models!

My husband and I don’t like what’s going on, and we want her to call off this shidduch. So far, we have had a small L’chaim, but we don’t want to go ahead with the vort yet. We spoke to our daughter about it but she’s so crazy about him that there’s nothing we can do to stop it. We are worried sick about this whole thing. A sincere man would not force his wife to lose so much weight and not be healthy. But this is what I hear is going on today. We read your column all the time and trust your advice. Thank you.

Response

Your letter touched my heart because it raises an issue that deserves far more attention than an isolated dilemma. At first glance, this appears to be a story about a young woman losing weight for the man she plans to marry. But beneath the surface lies a much larger and serious conversation about body image, self-worth, unrealistic expectations, and the pressure many young women feel to look perfect.

You describe your daughter who went from a size 8/10 to a size 2 within a matter of months. That deserves careful attention, especially if the motivation is about pleasing someone. What is most troubling and even scary is that despite such a dramatic transformation, her chassan still suggests that she could lose more weight! As parents, you have every right to be frightened that she is sacrificing her health in pursuit of his unreasonable standards. Frankly, I understand your concern, and I applaud you for being proactive in doing your due diligence to protect your daughter. Believe it or not, there are other parents that would pooh-pooh what’s going on and not make waves just so that their daughter can get married and hope for the best.

You are viewing her consistent weight loss not just in terms of potentially damaging her physical health, but you recognize that this does not sound like a healthy relationship from the get-go. Furthermore, you were informed that he is looking for a “super thin” girl, and that his references were surprised that he even said yes to your daughter. Truthfully, that should have been the first red flag, but I can see how a comment like that could be overlooked when it’s coming from a reference, and parents are continually instructed to take what they hear with a grain of salt.

Here’s the important thing. A healthy relationship should inspire people to become better versions of themselves. It should not require them to become smaller and smaller in order to feel worthy of love. Yes, physical attraction matters. We would be dishonest if we pretended otherwise. Men and women both want to be attracted to their spouses. Most people make an effort to dress well, stay healthy, and present themselves attractively. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem begins when attraction becomes an obsession. In this case it appears that the obsession is with the young man and your daughter.

In recent years, many young women have become even more exposed to relentless unhealthy messages about appearance. Social media showcases filtered perfection, as photographs are edited to the point where they falsely depict an individual. We have the onslaught of influencers who all day long present unrealistic standards. Friends compare diets, clothing sizes, and workout routines. Some women become convinced that being thin is not enough—they must be super skinny.

Unfortunately, some husbands and future husbands may reinforce these pressures, in most cases unintentionally, and in your daughter’s case intentionally. Comments about weight, comparisons to other women, or repeated suggestions to lose “just a few more pounds” can have a powerful impact when it comes from a significant other. What starts with healthy eating (salads and avoiding junk food) can gradually become something much darker.

What happens in these situations is a young lady starts cutting out dessert. Then she cuts out carbohydrates. Then she skips meals. Then she becomes afraid of eating in public. Then every meal becomes a source of anxiety. Soon, weight loss is no longer about health; it becomes about approval. That is a dangerous place to be, and it sounds like that’s the juncture your daughter has reached.

Your married daughter told you the truth about what’s going on today. One of the most troubling trends that young women discuss is the pressure that newly-married wives feel to maintain a certain image for their husbands. Many describe feeling that they have to constantly prove their worth by being physically attractive. They feel that they’re being compared to the other married women in their community, and as horrible as it sounds, there are men who will openly articulate to their wives that “so-and-so looks good,” or r’l, even better than their own wife. Consequently, these women become terrified of gaining weight. Others feel intense pressure to return to their pre-marriage or pre-pregnancy figure as quickly as possible.

Just so you know, it’s not just on the “avenue” that you reference in your letter. This pressure is not limited to one community, one neighborhood, or one demographic. It is a broader cultural problem. Women everywhere are receiving the message that their value is tied to their appearance, and the consequences can be devastating.

Eating disorders have one of the highest mortality rates of any mental health condition. Even when a woman does not develop a diagnosable eating disorder, chronic dieting, food restrictions, excessive exercise, and body dissatisfaction can take a serious toll on her physical and emotional well-being.

A marriage should never require a woman to be hungry in order to feel loved. Nor should a husband feel entitled to dictate a number on a scale. The reality of life is that bodies change, and weight shifts as women age. Pregnancies, iy’H, happen, illnesses, chas v’shalom, can occur. The bottom line is that life happens, and that’s a fact. A husband who truly loves his wife understands that beauty is only one part of a much larger picture.

The strongest marriages are built on mutual respect, kindness, trust, friendship, shared values, and emotional connection. Those qualities endure when youth fades away, when appearances change, and when life’s inevitable challenges arrive.

This brings us back to your daughter. I would not automatically advise her to end her engagement based solely on second-hand information or assumptions. But I do believe she should have a serious conversation with her fiancé before the relationship progresses any further. Your daughter deserves to know if she’s appreciated and accepted as she is right now or not. She deserves to know if her future husband values her health more than her dress size. She deserves to know how he would respond if her appearance changed due to pregnancy, illness, medication, or simply the passage of time. These are not superficial questions. They go directly to the heart of what kind of marriage they will build together.

As parents, you feel helpless, because you know she will marry this guy regardless of what is staring her in the face. You cannot make decisions for her, nor is it likely she will listen to what you tell her. What you can do is continue to ask thoughtful questions, express your concerns lovingly, and encourage her to think beyond the wedding day.

The engagement period in frum circles (where courtship is relatively short) exists for a reason. It’s a time to evaluate compatibility, values, expectations, and character before making a lifelong commitment. Please encourage her to ask her chassan some questions. Does he believe her current weight is acceptable? Why does he continue to comment on her appearance? And the most important question of all is how would he react if her appearance changed after marriage? I urge you to remain supportive while she asks him questions, so that you will get feedback about what he says

I am also concerned about your daughter’s emotional health. When someone is convinced that they must continually change themselves in order to earn love and approval, they can lose sight of their own value. A kallah should be entering marriage feeling cherished and accepted, not constantly worrying about whether she measures up. If there is a rav, mentor, or a trusted friend whom both parties respect, this is an appropriate time to seek guidance before moving forward with the vort.

Before I conclude, I must say that there is social obsession with thinness. We praise weight loss more enthusiastically than health. We compliment shrinking bodies without asking whether the methods are healthy. We celebrate appearances while often overlooking emotional well-being. What kind of message do you think that is sending to impressionable young people? How about conveying the message that a healthy confident woman is attractive? A woman who feels secure, respected, and valued by her husband is automatically attractive. No young woman should feel she must disappear in order to be loved. And no husband should want the woman he loves to sacrifice her health in pursuit of communal standards of weight or dress size.

The goal of marriage is not to find someone who looks perfect. The goal is to find someone who will stand beside you through an imperfect life. That is the standard that truly matters. Your daughter needs to understand that a kallah should spend her engagement preparing for marriage, not battling the scale. At the end of the day, a normal husband is looking for a wife, not a body type. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].