Who Deserves The First Response?

In my recent series on boundaries, values, and limit setting, I addressed the importance of raising children to accept and respect interpersonal boundaries. We looked at some of the ways we can model appropriate boundary-setting and values for our children, and to take an active role in teaching them these essential skills of social adaptation. We looked at circumstances when it would be more appropriate to prioritize self-care and self-protection, and circumstances when we should reach beyond ourselves to accommodate and assist others. In this article I’m going to zero in on balancing self-care versus caring for others in an effort to develop both autonomy and social integration.

I am a talmid of the great Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, zt’l, in whose yeshiva I studied during the 1970s. I will share two lessons I learned from the esteemed rav. He emphasized that each student must pursue a portion of the Talmud to complete a certain quota of material each year. This was to build up our knowledge, our self-discipline, and to help us grow in devotion to serving Hashem. He also introduced to us the concept of tithing time. In earlier eras, the people tithed their livestock and their crops. In our times, he stressed that a student should tithe a portion of his time to study with younger or less proficient students. In this manner, the stronger students model the dedicated focus of a Torah scholar and hopefully encourage the young talmidim to grow and gain wisdom and knowledge. I found the balancing of self-care versus caring for others as a way to round out my own sense of maintaining healthy boundaries. There are “stretching exercises” which we must learn to do so we can reach beyond ourselves in order to be there for others. Then there are “contracting exercises” which allow us to pull back at times to take care of our own needs. Both are part of mental hygiene. Both are part of being a stable person.

I like to tell a story about a group of Pirchei boys who showed up late for their Shabbos afternoon event. Their Pirchei leader asked them what happened that caused them to arrive two hours late. They said that they had been applying the lessons he taught them the prior Shabbos on the importance of helping other people. They explained that on the way to Pirchei, they helped an elderly woman cross the street. The leader asked them: “It took all 30 of you two hours to help an old lady cross the street?!” They replied, “Yes, she did not want to cross the street.” From this example, we see that a fundamental part of the process of knowing when to reach beyond ourselves to help others is knowing who to help, when to help, how to help, and if we should help.

In contrast is the story of two brothers who sit down for a treat. Their mother has placed a plate in front of them with a large cookie and a small cookie. One of the brothers grabbed the big cookie, at which point the mother lectured him about the great zechus, merit, of being mevater, foregoing one’s self-indulgence and letting another person go first. The son replies that he was mevater on that zechus and allowed his brother to have the zechus instead of not enjoying the larger cookie. Obviously, he missed the point about letting his self-interest obscure his altruism instead of indulging in the big cookie.

During the Mishnaic era, a debate arose between the sage Rabbi Akiva and his colleague ben Patura that focused on whether one should give away his means of survival by sharing his limited resources with another. Or, if only one of the two people can survive, should he utilize it for himself and not share it with the other person. Rabbi Akiva asserted that when survival is at stake, you must prioritize yourself. Ben Patura held that it was best to share one’s limited resources, even if both people would perish rather than witnessing the other person dying having not helped at all. According to ben Patura, compassionate solidarity overrides self-preservation. The halachic tradition is according to Rabbi Akiva, that one may not be mevater on one’s own survival. The same Rabbi Akiva who taught us the klal gadol, the fundamental of Torah life, of loving one’s neighbor as oneself, emphasizing here that one own’s personal survival is a priority.

In matters of lesser gravity, there are ethical debates as to whether one should consider the needs and feelings of others before tending to one’s own needs. This article will hopefully set the foundation for further analysis of the topic of whether we should be educating our children about kindness but not self-care, or if we should be guiding them to comprehend the dialectic in search of finding a balance. I look forward to continuing this series. 

Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.