How To Live A Good And Desirable Life: The Best Segulah
By: Rav Reuven Taragin
The Midrash (V”R 16:2) records that many peddlers sold their goods in Tzippori and its surrounding areas, yet one peddler distinguished himself by inviting people to acquire an “elixir of life.” This unusual claim attracted the curiosity of many customers, including Rebbi Yanai, who came to learn more.
The peddler presented them with a pasuk in Tehillim: “Who is the man who desires life? One who loves days, seeing the good” (Teh. 34:13). We live desirable lives in which we love every day by focusing on the good in the world around us.
In our last piece, we saw that focusing on the bad takes one out of this world. The contrast, focusing on the good, helps us live a good and desirable life. This is why Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, who named his sefer Chofetz Chaim after this pasuk and thereby became known as someone who embodied this concept, identified this pasuk as the best segulah (remedy). Following these words is the best way to live life.
One of the challenges we face as human beings is our natural tendency to focus on the bad. As Israeli psychologist and Nobel Laureate Professor Daniel Kahneman observed: “Negative experiences loom larger and feel more intense than positive experiences.” Negativity is what causes us to focus on the black dot on an otherwise clean white page, or the missing tile in an exquisite mosaic.
Psychologists identify this phenomenon as “negativity bias,” an innate tendency to emphasize negative experiences over positive ones. This bias shapes our perception and memory, often causing us to dwell on negative situations and failures.
This leads us to focus on the negative aspects in others as well, and in our life experiences. We need to overcome this natural tendency and highlight the positive instead.
The Tiferet Shlomo explains that this was Yaakov Avinu’s message to his son Yosef when he sent him to see the peace of his brothers (Ber. 37:14). Yosef had continually reported his brothers’ sins to his father (Ibid., 37:2), so Yaakov urged him to focus on their positives instead.
Sadly, Yosef did not get the opportunity. His brothers’ hatred for him was so strong that when they saw him coming from a distance, they planned to kill him and eventually sold him into slavery. Instead of seeing the positive in each other, the first Jewish family was split by sinat chinam. And we, their descendants, have been plagued by it ever since.
Recognizing the positive qualities in others is essential for several reasons. Beyond fostering strong and respectful relationships, emphasizing others’ strengths contributes to mutual personal growth.
Rebbe Nachman of Breslov (L”M 1:282) explains how our views of others impact their life decisions. People seen as wicked or incapable live up to those traits, while those seen as righteous or talented aspire to become so. In this way, how we see others can be a prophecy of sorts.
This point was proven by Dr. Robert Rosenthal, a Harvard psychologist who conducted an experiment in Jerusalem to illustrate the power of expectations. PE teachers and students were randomly assigned to one of three groups, but the teachers in each group were given different false pretenses about their students’ abilities: average, unusually high, or extremely low.
After weeks of training, the results were astonishingly consistent across all demographics: students randomly labeled as having average potential performed at an average level, those labeled above average performed above average, and those labeled below average performed considerably below average.
This experiment demonstrates that self-esteem and self-image, as well as beliefs about personal capability, are crucial determinants of success. Both external expectations and internal beliefs significantly influence achievement.
Emphasizing the positive in others also facilitates learning from them. As the Mishnah in Avot states: “[The wise man is] the one who learns from all people” (Avot 4:1). This is only possible when we recognize the unique contributions of each individual.
Rav Kook explains that highly advanced people are able to learn from every person and every thought and use the lessons to further develop themselves. The wise man learns from all people—without exception.
For this reason, Rebbe Nachman MiBreslov encourages speaking with others respectfully to be inspired by their unique qualities. He adds that by doing so, we can achieve the loving relationship we are meant to have with others (L”M 34:8).
Our penchant for negativity also affects how we see our own lives. Instead of appreciating how much Hashem does for us, we often fixate on what seems to be going wrong.
A story of the Baal Shem Tov reflects this idea:
One morning, he and his Chassidim encountered a water carrier. The Baal Shem Tov asked him how he was doing. The man sighed, complained, and lamented, then detailed his many troubles.
Despite his advanced age, he still had to work for a living. Moreover, his strength was failing and he could barely carry the buckets. His wife had been ill for several years, and his daughters had reached marriageable age, yet he could not find suitable matches for them, etc.
The Baal Shem Tov tried to encourage him, but the man could not be consoled.
The next day, the Baal Shem Tov encountered him again and asked him the very same question: “How are you?”
This time, the man answered in a completely different way:
“Baruch Hashem, at my age I’m still alive and breathing, praying, putting on tefillin, and learning Torah every day. Most of my friends have already passed away. Furthermore, although I’m no longer as strong as I was in my youth, I’m still able to work for my livelihood and do not have to depend on gifts from others.
My wife, who has been ill for some time, is still alive and is getting a little better, thank Hashem. And I’m also filled with praise and gratitude to HaKadosh Baruch Hu for having blessed me with such successful and talented daughters that it is difficult to find suitable matches for them!”
Our perception of life is fundamentally shaped by our perspective. It is important to remember that every experience ultimately serves a positive purpose.
Even when it is difficult to recognize this, we should focus on the abundance of good that is present in our lives, often taken for granted.
A Chassidic Rebbe illustrated this concept to a Chasid who lamented the bitterness in his life. He first asked the Chasid to drink a cup of water containing two spoonfuls of salt. Subsequently, he led him to a nearby lake and poured an entire bag of salt into it. Despite the higher salt content, the lake water remained palatable due to its vastness. Similarly, while our lives may contain bitter experiences, recognizing the abundance of positive elements can diminish the impact of adversity.
We are meant to reflect on and express our appreciation of this idea when we recite the berachah ofModim in Shemoneh Esrei three times a day in which we thank Hashem not only for giving us life, but also for the miracles He performs for us each day, and the constant wonders and goodness He does for us each evening, morning, and afternoon.
Hashem bestows blessings continuously; the essential question is whether we choose to recognize and appreciate them.
Positivity and appreciation are not just a matter of perspective; they actually impact our reality. In the words of Rav Kook: “The good will that constantly resides within the soul can flip our whole life and reality for the good. The good eye, used to see the positive, affects and repairs reality” (OH”T 9).
The Maharal adds that appreciating Hashem’s kindness and expressing our belief that everything He does is for the good has a similar effect (Bitachon 1).
The Lubavitcher Rebbe made a similar point to a Chasid who wrote to him from Yerushalayim, complaining about how difficult it was for him to provide for his ten children.
The Rebbe responded with a long letter in which he delineated everything the Chasid had to celebrate but was taking for granted (Be’er HaParashah, Mikeitz 5786):
“I was extremely happy to hear the good news that, with Hashem’s help, you have entered into an appropriate marriage match, suitable and fitting for you.
My joy was only increased when I saw that the wedding was held, with mazal tov, in the proper and auspicious manner, and above all, my heart rejoiced to read that peace and harmony in your home have become your lot.
Not everyone finds their bashert; I am happy that you did.
I was delighted to read in your letter that your firstborn son was born to you, healthy and whole. Not everyone merits having children.
Afterward, Hashem did not leave you, and a year later, a daughter was born.
Mazal tov!
And now, once again, there is a cry of joy and celebration at the birth of your third son and fourth child…
And all of them are healthy and well, proceeding on the proper path.
Did you know that not everyone is privileged to have all of this?
And how great is the goodness that the Creator has bestowed upon you in granting you a roof of your own, because, to the best of my knowledge, many people live under a roof that does not belong to them, but rather is rented.
And, to top it off, you have the zechut of living in the holy city of Yerushalayim. I wish I merited that!
After listing all this, the Rebbe added in the margin that “if you will have the wisdom to thank Hashem for all the goodness He has given you, and to dance and rejoice with great strength and gladness over all the goodness that Hashem has bestowed upon you, you will emerge from every trouble and constraint. And the Almighty, who gave you this apartment, will also expand your boundaries.”
In addition to our ayin tovah impacting the world around us and earning us Hashem’s assistance, how we view ourselves can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Professor Willliam James, known as the father of American psychology, said it this way: “The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes. If I was to sum up my key learning after 50 years of experience in the realm of the human psyche, I would say this, ‘People by and large become what they think of themselves.’”
May we all internalize the significance of the ayin tovah and use it to develop ourselves properly, thereby meriting Divine assistance.
Rav Reuven Taragin is the Dean of Overseas Students at Yeshivat Hakotel and the Educational Director of World Mizrachi. His new book, Essentials of Judaism, is available at rabbireuventaragin.com.
