I am engaged to the girl of my dreams. She is exactly what I’ve been looking for and could not find. And she is equally crazy about me. Truthfully, she’s had a crush on me since high school, and then when she came home from seminary, we were introduced to each other. I am much older than her, and I was surprised that a girl so young would want to date me. We dated for about a year and then got engaged.
Now that a wedding date is set, she told me that she doesn’t think that the job I have will be enough for a parnassah. She told me that I have the personality to become a lawyer, and I should go to law school. I know what’s really going on. The real reason is because she wants to be able to tell her friends that she’s marrying a lawyer. As it is, her friends are always trying to dissuade her from dating me because of my age, and they don’t think I have such a good parnassah. The truth is that I do, but it’s not as high as what a lawyer would make.
The problem that she’s not aware of is that I’m not a good test-taker, and I’m not sure that I could ever become a lawyer even if I wanted to. Even if I took the LSAT a few times, I’m not sure I could pass the bar exam, and even if I retook the bar exam a few times and actually managed to pass it, I’m not sure I would make a good lawyer, and then I really wouldn’t have parnassah. I definitely want to go ahead with marrying her, but I need help in dealing with this problem.
Response
If you are asking me if someone can change an apple into an orange, my answer is that I’m not even sure an experienced magician could make that happen. The magician might be skilled enough to use an optical illusion to make the audience believe he changed an apple into an orange, but that is as far as it will go. An apple is still an apple, and it can never change. Your kallah, according to what you say, had a longstanding crush on you since she was a teenager. At the time she started dating you, and throughout your courtship, she knew you were not a lawyer, and neither did you aspire to become one. Yet, she became engaged to you.
She might be right in assuming that you have the personality to be an attorney, but what if she assumes you have the personality to be an astronaut, does that mean you have to fulfill her every whim? Is your relationship based on your jumping to satisfy her every notion—whether or not it’s realistic or even doable? Is she using your seniority as her weapon? Meaning, is she giving the impression that since you were lucky enough to get someone as young as her you are therefore beholden to be enslaved to her every wish and desire? My heart goes out to you because this does not sound like a healthy relationship.
Though you suggested that her friends started off by making her feel bad about dating you, and are likely the reason she needs to prove that you were a great choice for a husband, the fact is that she did choose to date you as you are, and she chose to become engaged to you all without career stipulations. Now that she has the guy she’s had a crush on since high school, she wants to transform him. The answer and facts are that your kallah was happy that her feelings for you were mutual, but now wants to reform you so that her friends will approve of you. The saddest fact of the matter is that not only will her friends always find ways to disparage you, your kallah, who will soon become your wife, will likely seek more ways to change who you are. What you are looking at is a future with a woman who will never be happy with who you are and what you do for a living. She will, in all probability, look at the grass as being greener on the other side. Unless there is some drastic change in her perspective and expectations of you, your life with this woman may unfortunately be filled with misery.
I still abide by the idea that you don’t throw out the baby with the bath water, so I will offer you some advice on how to save this relationship up to a realistic point. I caution you that unless there is something that you truly believe needs to change because it will make you a better person or make you happy, do not become someone you are not.
You need to sit down with this young lady and stress to her that you are happy doing what you are doing and that you both agreed to get engaged under those circumstances and stipulations. Not only that, but as far as you’re concerned, she was apparently happy with your choice of a livelihood. If she tells you that she is legitimately concerned about finances, and you are in fact making a parnassah that can sustain a family in the future, explain how that is possible, and what you take responsibility for in case things G-d forbid go awry. Assure her that you are not seeking to marry while expecting your wife to shoulder all the financial obligations.
To prove your point, tell her exactly as you wrote in your letter to me. You clearly stated that you are not a good test-taker, and even if you fail the LSAT exam and had to retake it a few times, and you did manage to get into law school, you might fail the bar exam, and even if you retake that a few times, if you are not good at being a lawyer, then you will in all likelihood not get any clients. No clients, means no parnassah. In essence, she might end up being married to a husband she can call a lawyer by profession, but who will not help pay the bills. Then what will she do? It is possible that she is not looking at her future from a logical and practical perspective. It appears that the people she thinks are her friends are sabotaging her happiness, which is also a problem that would be addressed on its own.
I am hoping that this is all one big misunderstanding, that she is reacting to whatever her friends filled her head with, and that your conversation will assuage any fears she has. Nevertheless, I am a realist, and the fact that you wrote to me suggests that this is not about money, per se, but about the prestige of being married to a lawyer. Or that she needs to justify to her friends that the reason she is marrying a man significantly older than her is because he is better established than someone her own age.
Whatever her reasons, if she is not ready to accept you as you are, based on how you presented her to me, then you need to expect that down the line, you will be living with a wife who may always make you feel you are less than what she wants. She is making it clear to you now that she does not respect you. That sort of disrespect carries over to the children in the family, too. When children are aware that one parent does not think highly of the other, they too will have no respect for that parent. Not only will you likely end up feeling dissatisfied in your marriage, your children may end up feeling shortchanged by having a parent they cannot feel proud of. There are households such as I’m describing and as a result, shalom bayis is nonexistent there.
You need to be sure your kallah really wants you as you are. If you need confirmation, or for someone to be the go-between, ask a rav that is knowledgeable in dealing with engaged couples to step in and talk to both of you. This is not something that you should attempt to handle on your own. Ultimately, it will be up to you to make the final decision regarding whether or not you go ahead with the marriage. But whatever you decide, please make sure that you are operating under the halachic guidance of a rav. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.