Question
I’ve been chatting very heavily with a man who is older than me and lives in a foreign country. He has never been married and I am divorced. This has been going on for about seven months. He said that he wants to marry me, and if he takes a flight, then it’s for tachlis or it’s not worth the expense. It’s a very long flight, so I’m not sure what to do. We get along very well, and we want the same things out of life. He for sure will not agree to come here unless I agree to marry him first, and if he is coming here, it means we’re getting engaged. What should I do?
Response
Long distance relationships are challenging to begin with, even when people go back and forth and communicate in between their in-person dates. There’s something to be said about having the opportunity to see the person you’re dating interact with people in his or her life. In the best of situations, such relationships cannot be brought to fruition in haste. However, there are plenty of successful international shidduchim and one should not reject a prospective match just because they come from overseas.
Since the advent of meeting and dating via social media, we’re seeing more out-of-town and out-of-country shidduchim taking place. Yet, such matches have also proven to be trickier than when the partners live close by. Exposure to more singles globally is not always as wonderful as people think. Sure, with the click of a button you can start chatting with someone who lives far away, but who are you chatting with? Behind a screen, a person can be anything they claim to be. Even if you video-chat, how can anyone be sure that the person you are chatting with is the person they purport to be?
I have been zocheh to make a few overseas matches, but in each of those cases, I did my due diligence to get to know the individuals I was matching. That’s not to say that those relationships didn’t come with their own set of complications, but at the very least, the people were safe and indeed, marriageable. What you are bringing to me is a case where you met a random man online who’s telling you what you want to hear and is proposing marriage without ever having met you. In fact, he wants you to commit to marriage before he even comes here to meet you or else he will end what appears to be a very compatible relationship. Where is the logic in that?
To be fair, I will say that it’s possible to develop an emotional connection with someone without ever having met them in person. That could also happen between people who live nearby. There were cases when unexpected delays prevented a couple (who lived close by) from meeting each other in person. Though they couldn’t go on a first date, they spent a fair amount of time communicating with each other via text, phone, etc. By the time they met, their emotional connection was so strong that they felt ready to take their relationship to a serious level. These circumstances were also prevalent during Covid. Couples established intense relationships before meeting in person and soon after meeting face to face, got engaged. I cannot say in each case there was a happy ending. The fact is, there was an increase in divorces in Orthodox circles post-social distancing. For some, it may have been the extended period of togetherness during the pandemic that brought strife to a relationship that had issues to begin with. For others, the foundation of a virtual dating relationship followed by a quick marriage was not based on reality. People can hide whatever they want to keep hidden when not seeing each other in person. By the time the couples got to know each other, they were so head over heels in love that, for them, even if an issue was pointed out to them by an objective third party, they were incapable of heeding any warning. The problem is when you have strong feelings for somebody, it’s common to ignore red flags because tunnel vision has set in. You see what you want based on what your heart is telling you. That’s what I’m concerned about in your case.
You have spent virtual time with this man for seven months. I have no doubt that your feelings have grown to the point where you are afraid of losing him. Not only that, but he’s so confident about how you feel that he is giving you an ultimatum. He’s saying that unless you agree to marry him, he will not fly out to meet you. That’s a huge red flag right there. Ask yourself this: Why wouldn’t he want the opportunity to get to know you better so he can decide if you are as compatible in person as you are virtually?
On the chance that he is an upstanding person who lives in a remote area where there are not many marriage-minded women and he truly believes you are compatible, here is my suggestion. Going under the assumption that he’s a religious man or at least has some connection to a religious institution, find out the name of his rabbi and contact him directly to ascertain the man’s identity and background. The benefit of social media (aside from dating) is that no matter where a person lives, they usually have a mutual connection with someone you know. Get as much information as you can about him, but you must enlist the assistance of someone who is completely objective about the relationship. Please do not share with this man that he is being researched as it could backfire, either because he might get insulted or find a way to conceal something significant.
It goes without saying that if the information you hear proves to be less than satisfactory, I implore you to break off all contact with him. However, if everything comes back positive, and he really is on the up and up, here’s what I advise. Tell him that your rabbi or someone you respect wants to meet him too, and that you cannot make any sort of promise or commitment prior to spending time with him. It’s reassuring that he’s not asking you to make the trip to his location. If that changes, you should under no circumstances go there without him first traveling to meet you.
In your letter you did not indicate whether getting married means that he will move to your location or vice versa. If the plan is for you to move there, there is no way you can ever agree to that without first visiting the place for an extended period of time and having someone look after you while you are there to help you determine if such a possibility is right for you. If he is the one who is willing to relocate, you will also need to find out if he is running away from something or avoiding something. Please bear in mind that when you marry a person, you also end up partnering with whatever they have going on in their life.
He would need to spend an unlimited amount of time so you could get to know him in addition to the important people in his life. You should also be able to see or hear frequent interactions with his relatives, even if by phone. You want to make sure that this man is a healthy individual and if there are skeletons in his closet, that he is allowing you a full view of what is going on in his life at present, and very importantly, his past too.
Do not offer to pay for his airline ticket or accommodations. You can, however, ask people in your community to host him for Shabbos. The benefit of that is that you will get an opinion about his living habits as well as spending time getting to know him. The question also becomes what he does for work and how much time he can spend being away from his place of employment, assuming he does not work remotely. That will also become a question if you decide to get married. Do not place yourself in the position of having to support him indefinitely. You might also want to reach out to an immigration attorney to educate yourself about where he’s coming from and what he can expect in terms of living here legally. Leave no stone unturned, and read the writing on the wall, so to speak, as it presents itself. Keep your eyes wide open at all times. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
