Below is a somewhat fictionalized version of Sam and Lauren, a couple in dire need of marriage therapy. Unfortunately, when there is only one willing participant, the odds of success are not great.
He Said
Sam had taken the initiative of calling me to set up an appointment. He felt quite anxious to be heard by a professional and wanted to come in alone first so that he wouldn’t feel in the slightest way intimidated to tell his entire story. Secondly, he wasn’t even all that sure that his wife, Lauren, would agree to join him in therapy. For now, he wasn’t quite ready to cross that bridge. What he did need, though, was to be heard.
In his early thirties, Modern Orthodox, and with a sweet smile, Sam hesitantly chose a seat in my office, looking a bit uncomfortable. I asked him if he had ever seen a therapist before and his answer was “never,” which explained his slight agitation and hesitance.
After I spent a few moments asking innocuous questions, Sam settled down and began to launch into his story. “I grew up in what I think was a pretty typical home. Nice parents, three siblings, good memories. No one was perfect, but we generally got along really well and, looking back, I can honestly say that we were nice to one another. I’m sure I’ve seen my parents argue a little here and there, but I honestly don’t remember ever hearing either of them calling one another names. It just wasn’t done in our home. And if I, or one of my siblings, would call the other a name, my parents would have a very strong reaction, and so it just wasn’t done.
“Pretty soon after Lauren and I got married, she started calling me names. I guess that was really the icing on the cake. I realized pretty quickly that she had a lot of rage in her, and if she was upset at me for some reason—any reason—she would launch into a belittling tirade. It was shocking to hear. I didn’t even know how to respond. Sometimes she could be so vile. It has become clear to me that under all the name-calling is a very angry, unhappy woman.
“It’s not only that she would insult me; she would find my most vulnerable insecurities and go there. For instance, I know this probably doesn’t sound all that important, but I started losing my hair at a pretty young age. I felt extremely self-conscious about how I looked. When Lauren would get angry at me for some minor reason, she’d start calling me the most hurtful things related to going bald. I can’t even repeat how low her blows were.
“I would never purposely try to hurt her. I guess I sometimes do so by accident, but never intentionally. I can’t understand why anyone would want to purposely cause another person pain. But it is so clear to me now that Lauren does exactly that.
“Of course, I tried asking her about this terrible behavior. She would generally call me a baby or laugh at me and tell me I’m being hyper-sensitive. She is incapable of taking responsibility for her cruelty.
“I want to be fully transparent. When we are getting along, which lately is less and less often, Lauren can be the most charming, funny, fun-to-be-with person I know. She’s smart, talented, and interesting. Obviously, that’s why I’m still with her.
“But things are getting worse, and she’s starting to lash out at our children, as they are getting older, and has started to occasionally say cruel things to them as well. It breaks my heart to hear. That’s really what prompted me to come in to see you. I know that my self-esteem has plummeted over the years I’ve been married to her, and I don’t want to see our children being ripped apart the way that I have, and lose their confidence.”
What a sad story! Sam continued to see me privately for a few months. During that time, he never told Lauren that he was in therapy, always worrying about rocking the boat. We spent many sessions working on helping Sam regain his confidence, learn how to create boundaries, and develop skills to fend off Lauren’s assaults, particularly the ones directed at their children. But Lauren was really good at defending herself and creating doubt within Sam. She often had him spinning in circles.
Eventually, Sam felt strong enough to tell Lauren that he had been working with me and requested that she come see me, with or without him. It took quite a bit of negotiating/begging/pleading and nuanced threatening for Lauren to finally agree to see me once, alone.
She Said
Lauren turned out to be every bit as attractive and charming as Sam said she was. We spent some time breaking the ice, getting to know one another and developing context for her story. Unlike Sam, she did not grow up in a happy, loving home. Though her parents never divorced, from the time she was a child she always wished that they would someday. As the older child, Lauren was home a lot, keeping vigil, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Her younger brother would generally be out with his friends, oblivious and playing ball. She found her home life and childhood “very depressing.”
When I asked her how she felt her own marriage was doing, she said it had its ups and downs, but was probably pretty typical. When I drilled down a bit more and asked whether she felt she or Sam had issues that needed to be worked on, she said that she felt Sam sometimes came off a bit wimpy for her taste and she would rather he be more manly.
“Why do you think that is?” I asked. Taking a chance, I asked her whether she felt that Sam had any reason to feel intimidated by her. She took a few minutes to think about her answer, and, somewhat surprisingly, responded, “Not really.”
Trying another angle, I asked Lauren why she felt Sam had been coming to see me all this time. Again, Lauren took a few moments to respond, and finally said, “He needs someone to talk to.”
At which point I asked, “And why would that be, do you think?”
Crickets.
My Thoughts
I asked Lauren if she would be interested in coming in to see me together with Sam. Her response made it very clear that she was not interested in doing work on herself or her marriage. Perhaps compared to the marriage she witnessed growing up, hers wasn’t half-bad. She seemed to want to hold on to their status quo.
Sam, however, did continue to work with me for quite some time. By changing his own acceptance toward what we agreed was abuse and learning certain skills for responding more successfully to Lauren’s taunting, Lauren subsequently changed a bit as well. Unfortunately, her underlying anger, which sometimes manifested in unbridled rage, continued to occasionally rear its ugly head and compromise their marriage.
As Sam forged ahead in building himself up and protecting his children, Sam kept trying to make some headway with Lauren in trying to encourage her to reconsider joining him for couples therapy, or, at the very least, to find her own therapist to work with.
Sam also started exploring the idea of divorce, claiming that if Lauren doesn’t learn how to heal her rage and become a kinder person, sooner than later, he may have to do something drastic. We did spend time discussing what such a decision might look like, dissecting the pros and cons of such a serious move.
The Sam/Lauren story is still playing itself out. I suspect that if Lauren continues to refuse to see herself honestly and seek help, this marriage may soon be on life support.
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles at 5TJT.com.
