A Post-Chanukah Primer: How To Clean Oil Stains

Today’s topic is how to clean oil out of things. Never mind why. Let’s get to work.

How to clean oil off the laminated brachos cards your kids made, between the lamination and the paper:

1. I have no idea.

How to clean oil from your menorah glass oil cups:

1. Start by making a solution of ammonia and warm water. This will create harmful fumes, so put this solution into something that seals, such as an empty pickle container. Add glasses and pickle overnight.
2. The next day, while wearing a face mask and eye protection, open the pickle container and make a face.
3. Use a baby bottle brush to clean out the glasses.
4. Clean ammonia off the baby bottle brush.
5. Throw out the pickle container.
6. If you’re uncomfortable using ammonia, soak them in vinegar for a few days or possibly in actual pickle juice. Even if the container still has pickles. That way, while you’re washing them, you have something to eat.

How to clean oil off the floor:

1. You can’t just wipe it. This would be like oiling the floor and then buffing it to make it more slippery.
2. Grab whatever you have at hand. The articles that I read suggest using things you have in your kitchen to sop up the oil, such as cornstarch, oatmeal, kitty litter, sand, sawdust, and wood shavings. I don’t know why you may have some of these things in your kitchen, but you can explain later.
3. Let the powder sit until it becomes a thick paste that is harder to clean. Your goal here is to make the mess so big that the oil becomes insignificant in hindsight.
4. Clean up the paste with a broom and dustpan.
5. Throw out the broom.

How to clean oil off a carpet:

1. Blot the oil with a clean towel. Don’t rub it in, because the oil will have no idea whether you want it to go up into the towel or down into the carpet, plus gravity isn’t doing you any favors.
2. Sprinkle the carpet with a thick layer of whatever starch and powder you have lying around your kitchen, such as kitty litter. Allow to sit overnight.
3. Now would be a good time to break out your Tehillim.
4. Place a couch over the stain and try not to think about it.
5. If all of your couches are already over stains, now is the time to buy a Barcalounger, coffee table, end table… This is how most living rooms get decorated.

How to clean oil off a tablecloth:

1. Don’t scrub or you’ll risk setting it. (The stain, not the table.)
2. Lift out as much of the stain as possible by blotting it with a clean cloth, by which we mean a clean cloth that you value less than the dirty tablecloth.
3. Mix dish soap with baking soda to make a paste. Spread the paste on the stain with an old toothbrush. It absolutely cannot be a new toothbrush. You had to use a clean cloth, but the toothbrush has to be one that you were going to toss.

How to clean oil off the table itself:

1. You should have used a plastic tablecloth, but no, you had to be fancy. Fine, do what you want. Why should I even help you out here? You’re going to do what you want anyway.
2. Pour a 1/4-inch thick layer of baby powder over the oil spot. After 30 minutes, wipe the powder off the table.
3. Do not just blow it off.
4. Scrub the powder out with a spouse’s toothbrush. See how long it takes them to tell.

How to clean oil off of clothing:

1. Blot the stain with a paper towel to remove excess grease. Make sure the stain knows you’re trying to soak it into the paper towel and not, say, into the shirt. Or your undershirt, if you’re still wearing the shirt.
2. Why are you still wearing the shirt?
3. Pretreat with dish soap or a “natural laundry detergent” (such as rocks or sand?) and rinse with hot water.
4. If the stain is still on after the wash, putting it in the dryer will allow it to set. Instead, air dry and wear the shirt for another round, then try again once people start pointing out the stain.
5. Depending on the location of your stain, consider wearing a tie. If this is a pair of pants, consider wearing a longer tie. If this is a tie, consider wearing two ties.
6. You can also use chalk to remove oil stains. If you have no chalk, use magic marker.
7. One article suggested lighter fluid. Who figured that out? Lighter fluid to get out olive oil? I would say to take off the item of clothes first. Also, when you’re done, never wear the clothes near an open flame for like a year.

How to clean oil off a sweater:

1. Gently scrape off as much oil as you can. Then apply an absorbent substance, such as cornstarch or baking soda, and let sit for at least an hour. Put it in the oven. Serves six.

How to clean oil out of one’s hair:

1. We would advise regular shampoo.
2. Blot, don’t scrub.
3. If you’re still having problems, make a baking soda paste. If you’re stuck in the bathroom, there’s probably baking soda in the toothpaste. And you’ll smell amazing.
4. You’ll need to allow the paste to sit in your hair for fifteen minutes, or until the person in line for the shower after you threatens to flush all the toilets.
5. Every step here is considerably easier with a sheitel.

How to clean oil off your skin:

1. If it’s on your hands, you have to find something to use in the room you’re in, because you can’t do doorknobs. Likewise, if you get oil on your doorknobs.
2. Some say to soak your hands in a mixture of warm water and hair conditioner for 5-10 minutes or overnight.
3. If hair conditioner works, why did no one mention it when we were talking about hair?

How to clean oil off a baby:

1. Put the baby in the bath. Note that baby will be even more slippery than usual.
2. You might need adult shampoo or dishwashing liquid. Dawn is what they use for baby birds, so maybe that.
3. Baby powder!
4. When you’re done, put the baby in rice.

How to clean oil off a couch:

1. Sprinkle baking soda on the affected fabric and allow to sit for 24 hours. If your kids wake up before you in the morning, be prepared to clean footprints.
2. After a day passes, vacuum off the baking soda.
3. Unclog vacuum.
4. Don’t use water. Especially don’t use too much water so that your couch becomes a huge sponge that you squeeze by sitting on.
5. Blot the area dry using a clean, dry cloth. Such as your curtains.

How to clean oil off your curtains:

1. Scrub in an upward motion.
2. Curtains are easier to clean if you take them down, but not if you don’t know how to put them back up.
3. Once you take it down, you can treat it like clothing. It’s basically a big cape.
4. Consider replacing your living room curtains with shower curtains. Especially if you have little kids.

How to clean oil off a ceiling:

1. This is tough, because you can’t just keep throwing powder at your ceiling. Consider filling the room with baking soda floor-to-ceiling and then vacuuming it off.
2. Begin by wiping the area with a clean cloth or paper towel to remove as much grease as possible. At least gravity is on your side here.
3. Alternatively, use a mop. They’re not just for floors.
4. A clean mop.
5. If stains remain, try to have your guests not look up at the ceiling by keeping things on the coffee table. There’s a reason living rooms rarely have overhead lights.

How to clean oil off a family pet:

1. Human shampoo.
2. Baking soda and a shower cap to let it set.
3. If all else fails, put it in rice.
4. Instructions might be different for goldfish.

How to clean oil out of a fish tank:

1. If the oil and water are mixed, wait a while. The water will go to the bottom and the oil and fish will float to the top. So maybe don’t wait.
2. Okay, so now the oil is on top. Now what? You’re going to suck it up with a straw? Logic says you should take the fish out, but you’re going to lift the fish up through the oil? Why not rub them in bread crumbs while you’re at it?
3. Bread crumbs are probably very good to absorb some of the oil off your fish. Then put them somewhere warm. Serves six.

How to clean oil off a patio:

1. Pour a few cans of coke on the stain. The acid in the coke will loosen the stain so you can easily wash it away.
2. Coke! Imagine what it does to your insides! It gets rid of lasting oil! So, drink as much as you want.

How to clean oil off car upholstery:

1. Follow steps for sofa.
2. Or you can find a car wash and try to explain what happened. “So, I was in a rush to get to a Chanukah party, and…”

How to clean oil off of wildlife:

1. You’re going to need a lot of rice.
2. Does your spouse still have that toothbrush?
3. Now would be another good time to break out your Tehillim. n

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of seven books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com. Read more of Mordechai Schmutter’s articles at 5TJT.com.