Question
I’m in a bind because I know that whatever I do, I will still feel stuck and miserable. I’m engaged, and this should be a happy time in my life, but how would any guy feel when he finds out that his kallah has been lying to him for over a year? Yeah, that’s how long we dated. When I found out the truth, my parents called her rav, and he said he thought that the fact she lied about her age was not such a big deal since it’s only a little over two years younger than her true age. Well, it bothers me that I’m almost three years younger than her!
The lie was on her résumé, and continued while we were dating. Even when it was her birthday, she still pretended to be younger. Do you know when I found out the truth? At my vort, and not even by her! Other than that, she’s a great girl, and she’s fun to be around. My parents will support whatever decision I make, but everyone else thinks that since I’m already engaged, I should just try to overlook it. I could marry her, but it’s always going to bother me. What is your opinion about this?
Response
There’s an expression that it takes a lot of truth to gain trust, but just one lie to lose it all. It appears that is what you were alluding to when you stated you could marry her, “but it’s always going to bother me.” There was a case a number of years ago where a frum couple went to apply for a marriage license after the chasunah took place. They were in the middle of sheva brachos when the chassan discovered the truth about his kallah’s age. He was seething with anger and he told her, “If I would have known the truth about your age, I never would have married you.” The kallah burst into tears, called her parents, and it was her parents that encouraged her to end the marriage right away because they were afraid that the age factor would be something he would always hold against her and keep throwing in her face for the rest of their lives. Such are the tragic consequences when someone dares to enter into a marriage with lies and deceptions. The outcome is rarely good.
For those who subscribe to the notion of shidduch résumés, I caution singles and their parents to not indicate age, but rather the numerical birthdate that includes the year the person was born. The reason being that shidduch résumés can circulate for years like a bad chain letter, and even someone who might be truthful about their age, by the time it has made its rounds, the person might be a few years older. I’m bringing this up to you so I could be fair in saying that it is possible that when the shidduch was redt to you, you may have been viewing an older version of her résumé. Should that have been the only reason you thought she was lying, I would have encouraged you to give her the benefit of the doubt. However, you did go on to state that for the duration of your courtship, which lasted a full year, not only did she play along to being younger, but when she had a birthday, she still pretended to be a fictitious age. There’s no question that your kallah blatantly lied to you, and I could understand how that could always bother you. Kudos to your parents for not telling you what to do, yet they will support whatever decision you make about this shidduch.
The problem is that this is not just a shidduch where you are still in the dating process. You held a vort and are engaged. This means that it is public knowledge that you are planning to get married. This is not a simple matter where you can just walk away and move on. You do not indicate your hashkafic circles, so I don’t know if it’s the minhag in your family to have a tenayim. If so, this matter might have halachic ramifications and you would need to reach out to your rav to discuss the circumstances.
Before you take action, it sounds like you didn’t even discuss with her what you now know to be true. Even if she lied to you, she should still have the opportunity to tell her side. In the first place, maybe she’s not as old as you were told. I once had a case where a shidduch almost fell apart because it turned out that the classmate of a young lady told the guy that they were in the same class, and so, according to her opinion, she has to be older than she claims to be. I advised him to speak with her and get the facts straight. In that particular case, the young lady did not lie. It turned out that she came from a different country and was academically more advanced than the children in her grade, so the administration made the decision to put her in a class two grades ahead. Consequently, she was much younger than her classmates. It does not sound like that is the same situation here, but no one should ever be convicted without a fair trial, so to speak.
When you talk to your kallah, do not open the conversation in an accusatory tone. Speak to her gently and ask her straight out to tell you her true age. If she finally admits her true age, and it is not what she has led you to believe, then ask her to explain why she deceived you. If there is a possibility that she didn’t deliberately lie, and somehow thought that she told you or assumed that you knew the truth before you got engaged, hear her out, and see if there is a way to confirm that she is telling you the truth.
If she’s lying again or admits to having lied and warrants it by saying that she received a haskama that justifies lying about age, then you might want to find out if there is anything else that she is withholding from you. I will say that when you contacted her rav after finding out the truth, according to you, he told you that lying about her age “is not such a big deal.” It’s possible that she has been led to believe that she needs to do that. Meaning, if her rav advised her not to be truthful about her age in order to find a shidduch, you may want to cut her some slack.
I know of incidents where parents of young ladies experiencing challenges in finding a shidduch sometimes ask a rav if it’s okay for their daughter to slice off a few years. The fact is that I have been told by various people that their rav approved it. I never checked with any rav that was quoted to find out the validity of what these people say, but I am putting this on the table for you to consider that perhaps your kallah may have been misled into believing that is how she can land a good shidduch.
Lying about age has become so common and sadly, even normalized to the extent that there are singles that are terrified of disclosing their true age, because the automatic assumption is that they are lying. In my shadchanus I see this on a consistent basis. When I redt a shidduch for someone who is older than 25 (yes, it starts at that age already) whatever age is stated, the immediate response is, “Oh, that means that she/he is a few years older.” I hate to have to recommend that people start showing their State ID to prove their age, but I have a hunch the time will come when people will do that.
I do not mean to chas v’shalom disrespect anyone in a position of authority that condones or encourages someone to lie about their age, but I must say that a person feels disrespected when they are lied to or deliberately misled. The reason behind a lie usually does not matter or change how they feel. It also feels unfair to them that they were never given the opportunity to make an educated decision with all the facts on the table. Moreover, it opens the door to the one who was not truthful to never be trusted again. Typically, in such marriages, anything that the spouse says in the future becomes suspect and is always second-guessed. In other words, at the end of the day, there are no winners in a marriage where the foundation was built on a lie. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
