What’s your opinion on using AI to find a shidduch? How does it work and do you think it will help alleviate the shidduch crisis? Dating now is very difficult. It is so depressing with all that is going on in Israel. People are too depressed to date these days. I know that I am. I would rather just sit home and talk to my friends by phone or text. I do go out to Tehillim gatherings and rallies, but dating is not really my thing these days. I’m not saying it will be that way forever, don’t worry. But just for a little while.
Response
I am not surprised that AI, which stands for Artificial Intelligence, is now being employed in frum shidduchim. Though I am not a computer wizard, I predicted this trend, albeit facetiously, some fifteen years ago when shidduch résumés entered the scene. As soon as shadchanus lost the human touch, replaced with a worthless piece of paper to make a life-altering decision, I told my associates that soon people will be turning to robots to help them find a match when the résumé system pans out.
I wish I was wrong.
To understand what I mean, the word artificial in artificial intelligence means fake, phony, or insincere. You get the picture. Therefore, do you think that something fake on a matter so serious such as marriage, which even Hashem does not rest from engaging in on Shabbos, can be applied to shadchanus?
How does AI work? As a new model for shidduchim, AI involves applying technology by means of algorithms to help people find a suitable match. This has already proven to be a humorous and desperate approach to finding one’s bashert since, given that it is based on a series of answers to questions, it is almost guaranteed to match people according to their answers and nothing else.
The way it works is that a single male or female fills out a comprehensive questionnaire detailing their personality, interests, goals, etc. When all criteria are entered, the algorithms do the work of making a suggested match and presto… a match is suggested!
However, an analysis of the data that people use to describe themselves is often not what they bring to the table, nor is it indicative of how others see them. It tells you nothing about their middos, their mental stability, even such aspects as loyalty, selflessness, work ethic, charitableness, and other qualities important in a spouse and future parent. In all fairness to AI, it can place somebody in a cluster category, but it can never demonstrate the factors that determine what makes an ideal candidate for marriage. If we are searching for more ways to make burned-out, jaded singles, AI will definitely assist there.
I predict that just as résumés became the focal point in shidduchim, AI will become the main tool people use to find a date. And when it proves to not work so well, do you know who will be to blame? Not shadchanim and those pushing this technology. The blame will fall on singles and their parents for going along with it. There is nothing inherently wrong with using AI as a form of entertainment, but to start depending on it to solve major life issues such as marriage, the answer is no. It will cause even greater problems than we already have.
What I find mind-boggling is how people do not learn from history. Prior to résumés, dating apps, WhatsApp shidduch groups, and now Artificial Intelligence, people somehow managed to get married. Singles would either meet through personal introduction by friend, relative, or shadchan. However, since the advent of technology, it seems that fewer dates and fewer marriages have materialized. Never in history have there been so many singles hitting middle age. And I’m talking about attractive, accomplished singles from illustrious families who cannot find their bashert. So, instead of going back to what we know has worked in the past, new inventions arise to create even more havoc, making singles feel as if there is no one out there for them. That is what I call insanity!
You mentioned that, “dating now is very difficult. It is so depressing with all that is going on in Israel.” There is not a person alive who does not feel the effects of the war. It has touched even individuals who are known to be emotionally tough. Not only do people know somebody who is related to a victim, just hearing the stories of our brethren’s suffering is enough to shake every person to their core. Bnei Yisrael are no strangers to pogroms and tortures for no other reason than for being Jewish, but when it happened in previous generations, other than those directly involved, the details were not generally known. Even with newspapers, whatever was reported back then was not even the tip of the iceberg. But today, not only do we view the atrocities on video, we also watch it in real-time. Once you watch any of it, you can never unsee it in your mind’s eye. It becomes part and parcel of your very being, and depending on one’s mental health, the effects can be emotionally crippling. In essence, we have all been victimized by the psychological warfare that is being conducted.
On the other hand, the war has also increased empathy in ways never seen before. I don’t know of a single person who is not somehow involved in a chessed project right now to help the horrific suffering in Israel. Whether by making donations, rallying, packing goods, volunteering on site, or davening, compassion is at an all-time high. This has even caused some shadchanim to be overzealous in their suggestions because they believe they need to do more chessed, even if the shidduch is out of line with what the client is looking for. Moreover, they sometimes impose pressure on singles to accept a match just for the sake of it. Anyone who suggests a match that is vastly different from the individual’s preference can cause needless distress, self-doubt, and a loathing for shadchanim. And now, with AI jumping into the mix, singles whose morale has been negatively affected can pin their hopes on a computer algorithm, thinking this is the answer to their problems. Sorry to say that the world of shidduchim has reached an all-time low.
The answer is to go back to the age-old art of redting shidduchim the way it used to be done. Anyone who fancies himself or herself a shadchan should take the time to get to know the singles they want to match and actually “redt the shidduch.” If they really want to use technology for good, the shadchan can use Facetime or Zoom to spark the conversation, but let’s do away with what has proven to not work.
Lest I get bashed for disparaging the use of AI rather than encouraging its use, let me reiterate that I think it’s fine for amusement, and it might even result in a few good shidduch outcomes, but it should not be used in place of good, old-fashioned matchmaking.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WVIP 93.5 FM HD2 & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
