Dear Esther,
I read your column in the 5TJT, and I think you might be able to give me advice. My family is small—my wife and son, who is 18 years old. About four years ago he was diagnosed with anorexia, but, b’H, we were able to bring his weight back and he has been weight-restored for more than three years. However, as a result, my wife closes her eyes toward any of his behavioral problems since she does not want to “stress” him lest he become anorexic again. As a result, I am afraid he has become spoiled and I worry about what will happen when he gets married, be’H, and has to deal with a wife who might not be as forgiving.
Just as an example, the other day he needed to type his paper and was using the computer for hours. I try to be accommodating, but I needed the computer for a few minutes to get a certain teshuvah from the Bar Ilan disk and copy it to my Kindle. I asked my son to let me use the computer and he asked for how long. I said it would probably take less than two minutes, but he wanted to know what would happen if it takes longer. So I told him, “If I don’t find it in two minutes I will give it back to you and not bother you.” He let me use the computer, but unfortunately I didn’t find the needed teshuvah in two minutes. My son demanded the computer back, but I wanted to continue a little longer. He insisted that I had promised, and since I didn’t get up immediately he accused me of lying to him. (My wife took his side.) So I had to leave and give him back the computer.
For now, this particular issue will be solved since my wife ordered a laptop to give our son for Chanukah. The problem is deeper though. How will our son deal with other people if he is so stubborn now? Are we spoiling him? To be fair, our son does have many good friends whom we really like, and they all seem to love to come over and spend time with him. Also, he does a great deal of volunteer work helping neighbors with their little ones, and they think he is just fantastic. So it seems it’s only at home that he thinks he can get away with being chutzpadik, but who knows how he will treat his wife once he’s married? He may treat her like he treats his friends or he may treat her the way he treats his parents, which won’t be OK.
Needless to say, we completely forgive our son’s behavior as always, and we certainly don’t want him to be punished. We just want the very best for him, and as long as he will ultimately be happy, I am mochel his breaking the laws of kibbud av. I just want to make sure we did what is necessary to bring him up to become a good husband and father one day.
Forgiving
Dear Forgiving,
There is lots of good news in your letter and some bad news. First and foremost, the good news is that you were able to get the best care and treatment for your son’s anorexia. It is a serious disease and, thankfully, you were proactive and had the good mazal to be successful in turning his situation around and bringing him back to good health. I’m sure, though, that those days of worry still linger and impact how you and your wife treat your son, and we will discuss that aspect shortly.
Secondly, in terms of good news, he sounds like an amazing young man, with lots of nice friends, and a kind and generous heart that he makes good use of by doing much-cherished volunteer work. You and your wife are probably both very proud of him, with good reason!
So now for the bad news, though it’s nothing so bad that it can’t be remedied. I don’t know much about your son’s behavior prior to his bout with anorexia, but it seems as though one of the ramifications, which is still being felt today, is your fear, G-d forbid, that he will slip back into that scary place. And for that reason, you and your wife treat your son with kid gloves, so as not to risk possibly “stressing” him. Additionally, you probably know that anorexia is partially about control. Therefore, it’s safe to assume that your son has some control issues and is taking advantage of your worries in a very controlling way.
Within healthy families, there should be a hierarchy regarding power and control. At the top of the hierarchy are the parents. When the order is flipped and the child is calling the shots, the structure is out of alignment and there is a problem. Right now, it seems, your son has displaced you and your wife and is at the top of this pyramid. In retrospect, I’m sure it’s easy for you to see now how and why this happened. Your fear of upsetting your son and thereby risking setting him back keeps your hands tied. But this really shouldn’t be the case.
If you and your wife are trying to create a world for your son in which stress is eliminated, you’re fooling yourselves. And you are not preparing him for the real world and certainly not for marriage, which seems to be a great concern of yours at the moment. The point is that we all need to learn how to manage our stress, because stress will appear whether we like it or not! We cannot hide from it or outrun it.
There are two areas that need some work right now. The first has to do with rebalancing the relationship your son has with you and your wife. You shouldn’t be made to feel you are being held hostage to his reactions. You should be able to establish rules and expect him to respect them. I would definitely encourage the three of you to enter family therapy for as many sessions as is necessary to reconfigure your present dynamic.
Secondly, it’s important to determine whether your son simply can’t manage stress, or whether you and your wife are projecting onto him your own fears around his stress-management. It’s possible that he is being manipulative and is in better emotional shape than you realize and simply has his reactions in order to get what he wants when he wants it from the two of you. If it’s merely a manipulation, then it will be discussed in family therapy and hopefully resolved.
If, in fact, your son does have issues with anxiety and coping under stress, then he probably should be seeing his own therapist to learn coping methods and solutions. But for now, your gut feeling is correct. It is telling you that the present arrangement at home is not proper or sustainable, and, once again, you will need to intervene to get your son on the best track possible. However, both you and your wife also need to get on a healthier track regarding your involvement with and expectations and treatment of your son.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles here.
RELATED: Read 5TJT Columnist Michele Herenstein’s battle with anorexia here
