Back To School Is Hard: Parents Can Help

By Chaim Neuhoff, PhD

Director of Community Outreach and Clinical Program Development, Ohel

As summer winds down and we begin thinking about the new school year, the atmosphere in many homes is filled with a mix of anticipation and tension. New rebbeim and teachers, apprehension about friends, and new routines can create excitement for some children and anxiety for others.

From a parent’s perspective, returning to school is not just about uniforms, school supplies, and bus schedules; it is also about helping our children navigate the emotional realities of the classroom. Recognizing that challenges are just part of life, and awareness of how to respond could make the difference between a child who feels overwhelmed to one who can learn how to navigate challenges with resilience.

School is not just about learning and academics; it is real life where children need to learn how to deal with stress, manage relationships, and develop confidence. Common struggles include:

Anxiety: Worries about separation, new routines, or tests. For a child with a sensitive temperament, even small changes (like a fire drill or a substitute teacher) can be unsettling.

Social Challenges: A child who feels excluded at recess, struggles to make friends, or is made fun of may begin to hate going to school.

Academic Pressure: Falling behind in Gemara or reading can create feelings of shame or inadequacy. Some children act out to cover their struggles; others withdraw.

Behavioral Struggles: When emotions feel too big, children sometimes communicate through behavior. We then see behaviors such as tantrums, defiance, or “spacing out.”

It’s important for parents to remember that behavior is often a signal, not the problem itself. A child who suddenly refuses to do homework may not be lazy. Rather he or she may be overwhelmed or discouraged.

As parents, our job is not to eliminate challenges; this is impossible and won’t prepare them for real life. Rather, it is to be there for our children, helping them learn coping skills, and reminding them that they are not alone.

When your child complains about friends or tests, the temptation is to immediately suggest solutions. Instead, begin by listening. For example, if a child says, “Nobody wants to play with me,” an appropriate response could be something like, “That sounds really lonely. I can see why you don’t want to go to school.” Frequently, just being heard gives a child the strength to face tomorrow. Once the child feels understood, practical solutions usually follow.

Deep down, children sometimes think that they are the only ones struggling. It is advisable for parents to share age-appropriate stories of their own struggles. For example, you can share how you were nervous before a big test, or how you struggled to make friends in a certain grade. The emphasis should be both on normalizing the existence of challenges as well as dealing with them correctly.

It can be very helpful to share inspiration from our rich heritage. Chazal remind us that even great people faced failures before reaching greatness. The pasuk tells us “Sheva yipol tzadik vikom” (A righteous person falls seven times before being victorious). This helps children see challenges not as personal flaws, but as a normal part of growth.

Don’t wait until November PTA to speak with teachers; communicate with them earlier. They are allies and can be very helpful. How you phrase things are important. Instead of complaining, say something like: “My son is finding math stressful. Can we figure out together how to help him?” A respectful and collaborative approach can open doors.

Children look to adults to learn how to react. If we respond with panic when they experience challenges, they learn that mistakes are catastrophic. On the other hand, if we respond calmly and say things like, “I see this was hard for you. Let’s figure it out together,” they learn resilience.

Not every challenge requires professional intervention. Occasional worries, standard chutzpa, typical social conflicts, or resistance to homework are normal. However, some struggles are too big to handle alone. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength. It is worthwhile considering professional help if you notice some of the following:

• Persistent sadness or withdrawal
• Severe anxiety that disrupts and interferes with daily life
• Sudden changes in sleep, appetite, or behavior
• Frequent headaches or stomachaches with no medical cause
• Ongoing conflict with peers or teachers

Early intervention can prevent small struggles from becoming lifelong patterns. At Ohel’s Nagler Family Children’s Center in Far Rockaway and in our Tikvah Clinic in Brooklyn, we have a full staff of dedicated mental health professionals who are trained to work with both parents and children struggling with these kinds of challenges.

Our Sages teach us in Pirkei Avos, “Lo alecha hamelacha ligmor vilo atah ben chorin lihebatel mimena”(It is not upon you to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it). We are not expected to solve every struggle our children face. Our responsibility is to be there for them, support their efforts, provide help when necessary, and to daven that Hashem grant them success.

Emotional challenges are not obstacles to success; they are the very experiences that shape resilience, empathy, and faith. With Hashem’s help, and with the warmth of parents who listen and guide, our children can learn not only to thrive in the classroom, but to carry those lessons into every stage of life.