Bris Of The Century

I think that with all this competition to have the fanciest chasunah on the block, we should probably do the same thing with brissim

A bris is literally introducing a new person into Klal Yisrael. Why don’t we go all out?

All it takes is one person to do it, and then everyone else they know suddenly decides that they can do it too. (“We can be like Yenem!”)

If you think about it, even the basic things that we do at every non-fancy chasunah would be considered super fancy if done for a bris.

Like a band. There should be a 5-piece band, minimum, and one of the pieces should play at the ceremony while the kvatter is walking the baby down (while also holding two candles somehow), or while people are transferring the baby around up there. And there should definitely be a singer.

Not to mention that we should definitely dance the baby back up the aisle afterward via backward dancing, pausing here and there so someone could hug the baby, until the mother and baby are safely in the rav’s study.

There should also be dancing at the seudah. The baby can come in, after his little nap, and the singer should say, “Presenting! For the very first time!” and then pause so the father can whisper the baby’s name into his ear.

And then someone dances the baby in, and then five guys lift him on a chair, or preferably strapped into his $3,000 stroller, and then meanwhile, all the other mommies are holding arches and waving them around on the women’s side for the mother to wearily hobble through, and then they dance around her while people bring her drinks.

Meanwhile, the baby should dance with his father, and then his grandfather, and then his other grandfather, and his rosh hayeshiva, and then someone brings him a little bottle of formula so he doesn’t dehydrate, and then while he drinks it, people get in front of hm and do pushups or jump rope or whatever.

And then of course, the friends of the baby come in—they were invited just for the dancing—and they do some kind of inside joke that you only get if you were in the neonatal nursery with them, and they’re wearing onesies that say, “NICU ’24,” and the people who get it go “WHOOOOOOOOO!” and the babies go, “WAAAAAAAAAAH!”

And then you have a kumzitz, and all the babies nap.

The dancing, of course, would have to be between courses. Also, there should be courses.

There should be a shmorg too, obviously. Right after davening, while the mohel is setting up, so that people have an easier time making conversation while they’re not fully awake.

“What brings you to my nephew’s bris?”

“He’s my nephew too.”

There could be like a carving station, and chefs with pans, and a bar… There could be a major coffee bar like at the bagel store. Instead of what we normally have, which is the urn that someone hopefully remembered to plug in.

Or we can have an actual bar. And you’re thinking, “Well, it’s too early in the morning to drink.” Is it? Have you ever been to a yahrzeit Shacharis? There’s schnapps at those. The baby’s drinking alcohol, and he’s arguably underage. And speaking of yahrzeits, I’ve never seen herring at a bris either. There could be a whole fish buffet. Why are brissim less fancy than yahrzeits?

And then at the seudah, there should be waiters, and the waiters can come around and say, “Would you like lox or tuna?” And you’d say, “What do you recommend? Is the tuna dry?”

“Would you like your bagel toasted or untoasted?”

Seriously; it costs almost nothing to toast a bagel.

“How would you like it toasted? How many minutes?”

Of course, if it were really like a chasunah, people would say, “I don’t want to wash.” And then no one’s going to bentch.

And of course there should be bentchers with the kid’s name on them (and for the less-frum crowds, souvenir yarmulkes that tie under the chin), and people will actually take the bentchers home so they can remember the name when people ask.

Of course, then people will come down before the bris and grab a quick pickle and sneak a peek at the bentchers and say, “Oh, I know the name now!” So maybe there could be a scratch-off on the front of the bentcher.

And you might say, “Is there really enough time to print bentchers?” I don’t know. Hamodia has a daily; I think you can print bentchers in less than a week.

Though to be honest, many couples don’t settle on a name until the night before (which is where the minhag might have come from to stay up that night) and even the date is not set in stone for the first few days. But who says there has to be a date on the bentcher? Or just put the kid’s birth date! That’s the date people want to remember. That way you don’t blindside them with bar mitzvah invitations in 13 years.

Should there be bris invitations? Obviously, they have to be phrased carefully:

With gratitude to Hashem Yisbarach,

Mr. and Mrs. Shmerel Yenem

cordially do not invite you

to the bris of their son,

The New One,

On Tuesday, the 12th of November

Or someday thereafter

Davening at 6:30 AM

Bris at 7:30

At K’hal Anshei Bris

Seymour and Fanny Yenem

Jerome and Carol Ploany

Then there would be a little card with sholom zachor information.

Of course you’re wondering, “Why do all this? The baby won’t remember it anyway.”

Well, there will be pictures. Because you’re definitely going to hire a photographer. The whole bris is a blur, everyone’s half asleep—it would be nice to have pictures to look over regardless. Especially for the mom.

So you hire a professional, and he gives you a thousand proofs to look through:

“This is him with the mohel, this is him with the guy who held him for the kriyas shem, this is him with the meshulach in the lobby…”

“Smile!”

“He can’t smile.”

“What was that, then?”

“It was just gas.”

Obviously, there would be pictures beforehand too. You would call your family and tell them that davening is called for 6:30, but they have to get there at 4:30 for pictures.

“And make sure to rent a gown!”

“Why not 5:30?”

“The other side is doing 5:30.”

“The baby’s getting up that early?”

“The baby’s up anyway.”

Or you can do what a recent bris I went to did and hire two photographers. I don’t think this was why they did it. I think it was a lack of communication. Each set of grandparents had hired a photographer to surprise the couple. “Surprise! You’re having your picture taken!” This was clearly the first grandchild on both sides. It wasn’t really about the parents. I’m not even sure they were getting an album.

Though probably they’re getting two albums. Two different perspectives.

Also, you know how bar mitzvahs sometimes have a posterboard with pictures of the boy when he was a baby? This bris had that too—pictures of the baby when he was a baby. They were all shots of an unsmiling newborn from various angles. “This is him at the hospital!” “This is him at the hospital, but from the left!” It’s not like, “This is him roller blading!” “This is him lighting Chanukah candles!” It’s just, “This is him when he was younger!”

“OMG he was so little! I forgot when he looked like that!”

So why don’t we do all this? Well, first of all, I’m pretty sure there are people who do; I just tend not to associate with many of these people. But I’ll tell you what I think: When a father gets up at a bar mitzvah and says, “I would like to thank my wife for doing absolutely everything to put together this simcha,” it turns out she really does do everything, because when you look at a bris, which he mostly put together himself, there’s nothing. There’s not even bentchers. There are sandwiches that the guests have to make themselves, and sometimes there’s scrambled eggs and cereal. The whole thing looks like it was put together by a kollel guy at 1 in the morning.

“People can make their own coffee!”

“This is a shul. I can always make my own coffee.”

“Yeah but usually you’d have to go upstairs, near the beis midrash! Now you can do it in the basement!”

“Is it plugged in?” n

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of seven books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send questions, comments, or ideas to [email protected]. Read more of Mordechai Schmutter’s articles at 5TJT.com.