Building The Broken Bonds Of The Blended Family
By Yael Stern
There is an ancient practice in Japanese culture called “Kintsugi,” in which the broken shards of a piece of pottery are reconnected by filling in the cracks with a unique golden powder. The practice is based on the notion that a piece of pottery, which has been broken, once mended, is far more beautiful than the original, unbroken piece of pottery. In this process of recreating the shattered object, the cracks are not only not hidden but are instead deliberately highlighted to show that it is specifically these flaws that make that repaired piece of pottery so beautiful. The formation of an imperfect whole through the reunification of its parts is lauded and celebrated.
When two families are united by the marriage of the parents, the result is referred to as a “blended family.” This family structure is unique in that it is comprised of adults and children, some of whom are biologically related and others who are not. When you are a member of a blended family, your family unit is unique, rather than typical.
Be it through the loss of a spouse/ parent or the divorce of a parental unit, both families within the blended family are no longer what would usually be referred to as “whole.” In some way, they are each “broken.” Even when the families join together, there are obvious and undeniable “cracks.” The goal is to mend those cracks through genuine acceptance and understanding.
Just like in Kintsugi, the blended family is a beautiful, imperfect structure (resulting from divorce, loss, etc.) that through its efforts to come together, has the potential to become a magnificent structure. In the process of unifying the blended family, acknowledging and embracing its inherent imperfections is essential in the healing of each family member as they work together to create their new version of “wholeness,” on both an individual and collective level. Success in reconnecting the various parts of a blended family is far more likely when the differences, the cracks, are positively highlighted and celebrated. The cracks, be they loss, painful wounds, aching hearts, etc., provide the space where the gold can be poured and genuine healing and connection of the once fragmented parts can occur.
In other words, the imperfections that are intrinsic to the blended family are considered part of the process of it becoming a unique “whole.” By not whitewashing the realities inherent to their situation, the blended family is given an opportunity to live a more honest and authentic existence.
There is so much to learn from this parable of Japanese practice, most notably in the difference between the typical family and the blended family.
In a typical biological family structure, even one that has issues, there is the ability to act as if there are no cracks or to cover up any such cracks with the hope that no one will notice them. But it is simply impossible to entertain the notion of a blended family being perfect because the factors that have led to its members’ participation are predicated on something that has become broken, either within them or within their world. Therefore, it is futile to deny its obvious imperfections.
In a society that often lauds perfection and conforming to the masses, being a part of a blended family gives each person the golden opportunity to portray something that is far more realistic than the notion of perfection; the journey of a growth process rooted in honesty, authenticity, and, at times, very raw emotion. It is not the final product, the picturesque family unit, which they aim to depict, but rather the transformative process that they endure to create and strengthen deeper connections within themselves and with one another.
True greatness is not found in the limelight and certainly not amongst the facade of perfection, but rather, in the cracks of the heart that have chosen to heal from its wounds and the foregoing of anything that inhibits the process of becoming whole again.
Relationships within a blended family, unlike in a biological family, are not formed naturally and automatically. Blended families are unique in that they are created because of a superficial coming together due to unnatural life events (like divorce and loss) and can come with a highly dissimilar set of rules and differing interpersonal dynamics. Unlike biological families, they are not bound by DNA, lifelong memories, back-and-forth negotiations, and naturally occurring common ground.
It takes a great deal of humility, self-awareness, and forgiveness to advance along the journey that the blended family will traverse.
In a healthy blended family, each person feels increasingly “safe, seen, soothed, and secure” and the focus remains on the notion of healing for everyone involved. As the two separate family systems learn to coexist emotionally, and often physically, members of both families are encouraged to be vulnerable and feel comfortable to take chances and show up as their true selves. They are empowered to voice their feelings, ask for their needs, make mistakes, and adjust at their pace.
A nurturing environment such as this one promotes compassion, respect, and acceptance for the often-obvious differences between the two families (i.e., cultural, and religious views, upbringing, etc.) and facilitates the formation of truly authentic relationships between them.
Members of a blended family carry with them pain that may never fully heal, however, with patience, dedication, and effort, it is precisely that pain that can spur the creation of highly reparative family dynamics.
In this way, those who are courageous and fully immerse themselves in this wholesome and reparative process can reshape their perspective.
The following reminders can be helpful and provide clarity for those who find themselves in the process of blending a family:
1. The couple must have a good relationship with one another so that they can offer the family the required stability. The couple must be ever cognizant, understanding, and patient, recognizing the challenges the kids are dealing with.
2. Each parent must find a way to communicate with one another as well as with their biological and stepchildren and work to blend the family.
3. Both parents and children must be on board with the family situation and take responsibility for their own actions, expectations, and mental and emotional health and wellbeing.
4. There are many different versions of success within the reality of blended families.
5. Do not pretend that the vessel never broke and do not try to repair it to exactly what it was before the cracks occurred. The cracks are there, and they are a reality. You cannot undo the cracks, but you can connect the fragmented pieces. Healing is in the coming back together of an individual or family’s fragmented parts.
6. Do not blame yourself or others (i.e., spouses, children) for the cracks. You are not the one who cracked it.
7. Be curious and have compassion for the way others are coping. Highlight the cracks—fill them, which is your opportunity for yourself and/or them to heal, and bring the pieces/people back together. Acknowledge their wounds. Validate their experience of the situation. It cannot be fixed, but you can create something new.
8. Blending a family is a process of constant healing wherein the pain is real but does not define a person/ family and does not represent its entirety.
9. It is normal for anyone in the blended family to ask these kinds of questions and others like them:
“What are my fragmented parts?”
“Where am I feeling fragmented inside?”
“Why am I feeling fragmented inside?”
“Where is my place?”
“Where does my piece fit within the blended family unit?”
“What is my role in the blended family?”
“Does my opinion matter?
“Do I matter?”
(Note: You and/or the other family members may need a professional to help you to examine and understand the details of each piece and to answer the above questions and others like them.)
10. There are so many ways that creating a blended family can be a successful endeavor.
Embrace it!
Celebrate it!
Be proud of it!
Most importantly, remember that we are all in G-d’s hands. It is Hashem who brings these families together. When Hashem puts us in a situation, He gives us the tools and ability to overcome the challenges inherent in that situation. With His help and the shared commitment to working together, a fragmented family can become a glistening, gold masterpiece. n
Yael Stern is a mother, stepmother, and life coach specializing in blending families—helping parents and partners navigate dating, marriage, parenting, and step-parenting with confidence and connection. She can be reached at [email protected].
