Dear Esther,
When Abe and I started dating, a big part of our courtship revolved around food. Honestly, we both love to eat! We loved trying new restaurants and considered ourselves “foodies.” It was a lot of fun.
At the time, neither of us was particularly athletic and so this type of activity, eating out, was really what most of our dates consisted of. We had a great time.
After we got married, we continued to focus on food. I enjoyed experimenting with new recipes all the time and seeing Abe get excited over the dinners I made for us. The best gift he could surprise me with was a new cookbook. We entertained, and we were known among our friends for our great meals. It was a big part of our identity.
Neither of us was thin when we got married, but after the wedding, we both put on at least 20 to 30 pounds. I wasn’t thrilled about the way I looked, but being thin and stylish wasn’t my strong suit. I never expected it to be. Abe couldn’t care less that he or I gained weight. He was totally fine with how we both looked.
A couple of months ago, a friend of mine told me she had a free pass to her gym and wanted me to go with her to try it out. I had zero desire to go, but she didn’t let up. She begged me to try it, told me that it’s a lot of fun, a nice way to socialize with other people from the neighborhood, and that she wasn’t taking “no” for an answer.
Eventually, she wore me down and I went with her to her gym. We took a Zumba class together and I found that I really had a great time dancing and moving around. Afterwards, she showed me some of the machines she used and encouraged me to try one or two.
I never could have predicted that something would click for me at the gym, but something inside of me felt really good and I decided I would go again. Long story short, I became a member, and I have really gotten into the whole fitness thing. I started feeling younger and healthier, which led to me to start eating better. I’ve started cooking healthier, and my entire attitude toward food has changed.
I’ve been trying to get Abe on board with me. When I make healthy dinners, he’s not happy. When I ask him if we can take a walk together after dinner, he refuses.
I’m not interested in going out to restaurants as often as we once did, because I find it’s harder to resist all the great food, and I’d rather make healthy food at home. He complains that we had a really nice life before and we were in sync; now I’ve changed and he doesn’t want to, and I have no right to expect him to change just be-cause I have a new attitude.
Do you think Abe is right that I’m the one creating problems in our marriage and that I have no right to change things up so much? Or is Abe being unreasonable and too stubborn to consider a better, healthier way of life for himself?
Changing
Dear Changing,
First off, congratulations on taking control of your life and turning it around in such a positive way. It’s not easy to do what you’ve done, and I give you a great deal of credit.
Obviously, you’re enjoying the benefits of your new lifestyle and you would like Abe to benefit as well and enjoy the perks that you’ve discovered come along with working out and eating right.
No one would dispute the fact that you want what’s best for Abe and that your intentions are positive. However, the two of you previously enjoyed your “foodie” status together and loved partaking in all the latest restaurants together — which must have been lots of fun and even adventurous for you two — and now you’d love to flip that partnered lifestyle into something that is completely opposite to what was once your routine.
Putting it that way, if Abe is not motivated to change his lifestyle, maybe it is a lot to ask of him, despite the fact that it’s for the best.
At this point in your marriage, there are a number of things you should focus on, rather than focusing on changing Abe. First of all, it’s crucial that you and Abe continue to respect one another and support one another, despite the fact that you no longer share the same beliefs about diet and exercise. It would be very sad indeed if you found yourself looking down on Abe simply because you’ve seen the light and he hasn’t (yet?).
As I always say, life is a journey and we all move at our own pace. Had your friend not insisted that you check out her gym with her several months ago, you probably wouldn’t be having this conversation with Abe. But you were fortunate to have a caring friend forcefully expose you to a different way of living, and it obviously came at a time when you were ready to take advantage of the opportunity.
Abe is not ready to “go there” right now. Hopefully, eventually he will be curious enough to try out what is clearly working so well for you. But he has to come to this decision on his own — not by you forcing or shaming him.
Try to figure out some ways of compromising. Even though you don’t want to be tempted at restaurants, maybe you can agree to try a new restaurant once a month if he agrees to take a walk with you three times a week. This way, though neither of you will get everything you want, you both still get something that feels good and supportive.
Also, try to figure out what you and Abe have in common besides your love of food. There must be other areas that the two of you have connected over. Think long and hard and put more energy now into engaging in those things that still hold you two together. If you can’t think of anything that you have enjoyed together, I suggest you start working on finding some mutual interests. I’d like to believe that we’re all a lot more than our eating and our exercising.
Meanwhile, there is no reason why you can’t continue to cook healthy meals. If Abe insists on you having certain things at the table that you’d rather not have, like bread or starches, you can provide enough just for him. You don’t want him to get so frustrated at home that he winds up buying takeout every day and eating in his car or at his desk.
Again, I go back to the word “respect.” As your paths have presently separated in this regard, you need to accept one another for where you are at and hope that eventually — particularly since you’re setting a great example — Abe will get curious enough to consider another way of living.
So stay true to yourself, remain loving and patient, and hope that Abe ultimately gets on board.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or (516)314-2295.