DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
When we fall in love and commit to marry someone, we are also committing to marry, in a sense, the baggage they bring into the marriage. Ideally, there should be an honest and painful level of disclosure between two individuals regarding any current or potential future health issues, or perhaps a needy elderly parent, if there’s a proverbial skeleton in one’s closet, or perhaps even the consequences of having a divorced sibling with several children to support. And even when one is brave enough to engage in full disclosure by offering their potential future spouse a heads-up regarding family obligations that, more than likely, may encroach upon their lives, the depth of revelation can be compromised. Not necessarily intentionally. In fact, sometimes one cannot imagine how the details of their life might compromise the quality of their marriage. Life is full of surprises, and as a result, marriage can come with its own set of curveballs.
When someone has kept under wrap some significant realities about their life, or only hinted at a potential problem without specifying how it could affect their marriage, it can feel like a bomb has suddenly exploded in their marriage. Besides being ill-prepared regarding how to deal with it, it can create a great deal of resentment on the part of the innocent spouse.
Josh knew that Mindy had been briefly married before. And although Josh had never been previously married, he fell head over heels in love with Mindy, and despite concerns and gentle warnings from family members and friends, he believed that it would be a non-issue. After all, Mindy didn’t have any children with her ex and successfully convinced Josh that she had moved on from that tragic experience and was able to put it all behind her in every way.
He Said
Josh is a twenty-four-year-old man who comes from a very close-knit family. He is the baby of the family, and it’s easy to imagine how he would be everyone’s favorite. Sweet, gentle, and unassuming, he has a bewildered look about him, probably because he never thought he would end up in a therapist’s office after less than two years of marriage. I got down to business and asked Josh what brought him to my office.
“Well,” he began. “I guess I should start at the beginning. I met Mindy at a friend’s wedding. Well, I didn’t exactly ‘meet’ her. I saw her and knew right away that I was going to marry her. It was that simple. There were so many other single young ladies at the wedding, but as soon as I saw her, I had a flutter in my stomach. I felt something special was happening. I asked around and found someone who knew her who said he could arrange with a shadchan to set us up. So, that’s how it started. It was perfect.
“Well, actually, it wasn’t entirely perfect. The shadchan who called me told me that Mindy had been married briefly, and her husband apparently had a serious addiction problem. The shadchan was actually kind of negative about setting us up. She told me that she could set me up with other girls who were wonderful and questioned why I would pursue a divorced lady. Of course, I had no good answer to give her. It was all based on seeing her and this strong feeling I had that she and I were meant to be. Maybe I’m naïve or not cut out for the shidduch world where everyone is busy checking boxes to make sure they have found the perfect person with the perfect résumé, but I’m not like that. I believe in feelings and love.
“Just so you know, my parents are kind, wonderful people. When they heard that I wanted to be set up with Mindy, they also tried to gently talk me out of it. But they respected my feelings and understood that I had to at least meet her. They have always trusted me and finally gave me their blessing to go out with Mindy.
“Our first date and every date thereafter were amazing. We had an instant connection. It was like we knew each other for years. Our thoughts and attitudes were so similar. I had only gone out with two other women before Mindy, and it was nothing like what I experienced with Mindy. I knew we were meant to be.
“On the second date, she started talking about the fact that she had been married before. Of course, I knew that, but I let her tell me all the details, which confirmed what the shadchan had told me. On their honeymoon, her ex sustained a serious accident and as a result, got hooked on pain medication. They went through a very difficult time until he ultimately went to rehab and came home appearing to be the man she married. However, in time, she found him raiding their wedding money and he was back on drugs. He went back to rehab and came home appearing to be healthy and whole, but within a month, the cycle was repeating itself. That’s when Mindy realized that she couldn’t stay in the marriage, though she felt tremendous sadness for her ex.
“I admired and still admire how brave Mindy was in dealing with all of this at such a young age. She never blamed anyone and never felt sorry for herself. She has no anger toward her ex, just lots of sympathy. The problem began when, several months into our marriage, Mindy got a phone call from her ex. It seemed he was on drugs again and was crying on the phone about how he had messed up his life and lost the most precious gift he had been given: Mindy. He said he didn’t want to live anymore. It was like a scene from a movie. On one hand, my first reaction was: ‘Why are you on the phone with your ex?’ On the other hand, how could I tell my wife to hang up on someone who is threatening to kill himself? I’m not exaggerating when I say she was on the phone with him for over an hour. At which point she told me that she had convinced him to get back into rehab. She also called his mother, his rabbi, and anyone else she could think of.
“I guess a lot of people wake up one day and think, ‘How did this become my life?’ I know that’s how I was feeling. I know people warned me, but who could have predicted a scenario like this? But I figured the crisis was over and we could go back to living our normal lives. But suddenly, I realized the crisis was just beginning. Mindy became a part of a support group that was trying to save her ex. She began to get calls from her ex’s mother, his father, and his best friend. It was like Mindy was on the front lines trying to save this person.
“I know in my heart there is something very wrong with this picture. Mindy tells me that she can’t just turn her back on her ex-husband. She has so much compassion for him, and G-d forbid if he ever did something stupid, she would never forgive herself. But I trust my feelings. The same feelings that told me I should meet Mindy are telling me that we can never have a normal marriage if she continues to be in contact with her ex-husband and his family.
“We need to sort this out.”
She Said
For someone so young, Mindy seems to have the maturity and world-weariness of a much older person. She is kind, sweet, and quite beautiful. I can see how Josh took one look at her and saw fireworks. But she carries a great deal of baggage with her. Not that all brief marriages leave a person with a heavy load to carry, but in this case, it did. I don’t even think that Mindy is aware of what lies lurking in her shadows.
I asked Mindy to fill in the story from her perspective. Her story was greatly in sync with the one that Josh told up until the fateful moment when she received the call from her ex. “What were you thinking and feeling when you first heard your ex’s voice on the phone?” I asked.
“Honest,” Mindy began. “At first, I was in a state of shock just from hearing him say ‘Hello.’ One of my closest friends is married to someone who has been friends with him since childhood. So, though I never encourage my friend to tell me what he is up to (I never broach the subject), every so often she will mention something about him. I guess I’m curious as to how he’s doing. My heart does break for him. He’s not a bad guy. In fact, he’s wonderful in many ways. I sometimes think that if not for that terrible accident, my life would be very different today. It does pain me that he’s been through so much and he continues to suffer so greatly. It doesn’t seem fair.
“Josh would like me to block his number and the numbers of everyone associated with him. He wants me to totally move on, as if I had never met him, and live my life not knowing if he lives or dies. How can he expect this from me? I think it would take a monster to do such a thing. I understand that Josh feels uncomfortable with my involvement in Josh’s personal life. Honestly, I never imagined that this would happen. But now that it has, I feel like there is no turning back. If I can help my ex-husband in some small way, or even in a major way, to get him back on a healthy track, why shouldn’t I at least try to help?
“I want to be clear that I love Josh with all my heart and soul. And I think he knows that. And nothing can ever change that fact. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for Josh. I try to be the perfect wife for him, but this is an act of chesed. I don’t see what other options I have right now.”
My Thoughts
Such a tragic story! Yet, every relationship requires healthy boundaries. But before we were able to even talk about boundaries, there was so much emotion that needed to be processed that we found ourselves working together on a consistent, twice-weekly basis.
Big topics need to be faced head on. The first of many such conversations had to do with love. Josh was feeling like he was competing for Mindy’s love with this shadow of a man who still had a place in his wife’s heart. How does one even begin to compete with that? And if Mindy is still thinking about the “what if’s” with her ex-husband, where did that leave Josh? Both Mindy and Josh had a lot of work to do. There was no doubt that Mindy loved Josh tremendously, but she had to work through her feelings for her ex. We needed to explore the feelings of guilt she carried around over the accident and ultimately over leaving him. Important work Mindy probably should have done before she started to date again, but better late than never.
Another important discussion we drilled down on had to do with the meaning of “chesed” and figuring out where it belonged most. Could Mindy ever find inner peace with the idea that it wasn’t her place to save her ex? Mindy ultimately realized that she struggled with the fact that her ex took the total brunt of their accident and she walked away without a scratch. As a result, what did she actually owe her ex, if anything?
There was no simple solution, but with time, commitment, devotion, and love, Josh and Mindy sorted through much of their underlying emotions. Eventually, Mindy was able to have a conversation about walking away fully from her ex-husband with the hope and faith that he had a strong enough support system to show up for him during the times when he needed them. And that, ultimately, was in Hashem’s hands. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.