Question
I’m a shadchan and I need some advice on how to help a girl I know find a shidduch. Her mother and I have been friends since childhood and her daughter is having a hard time finding a shidduch. On the outside, she is pretty and comes from a very nice family, but she has a problem. After every date, she complains that the boys are not nice to her. Actually, it’s not just her dates who are mean to her, but people in general. Her mother used to complain to me when she was little that the girls in our class picked on her. Now that she is older, she complains that everyone is undermining her.
I’m a little scared to find the girl a husband since I fear that something will go wrong and she will complain about him. I’m even worried because I could even be next where she will complain about me! What advice can you give me regarding how to deal with this girl?
Response
Thank you for turning to this column for advice. However, I take issue with your statement, “I could even be next where she will complain about me!” Why would you think to say that if this is someone you care enough about not only to help her find a shidduch, but also to seek advice on how best to assist her? If you do not believe in her then you probably cannot advocate on her behalf, nor can you in good faith represent her as a shidduch prospective.
How would you respond if something you say inadvertently offends her? Will you react as you would with someone else whom you may have inadvertently offended, or will you see red flags waving in your head about her that somewhere along the lines she is at fault? Will you throw that in her face, that since she has problems with so many other people then she must be the one at fault? Or will you say she’s probably imagining things or looking to start a fight?
One would hope that after inadvertently offending someone, the person would apologize. However, in this case, it sounds like you would tell her that since she has problems with so many other people, whatever she is complaining about is probably in her head.
I know I’m being harsh here, but individuals such as this young lady are always at risk of being gaslighted. It’s almost as if they are easy targets to get picked on because any complaint from them is dismissed, usually after the situation has been spun around.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are a sincere person and your heart is in the right place. It sounds like you are describing a young lady with a victim mentality. The question is whether she really does find herself in situations where she is victimized, or if victimhood is something she perceives, but is not actually real. Here’s the difference. The pathology of true victimhood stems from a traumatic experience. You said that her mother used to say that she was picked on by other girls when she was young. It comes across that this young lady was harshly bullied when she was a child. Bullying of a child should be taken seriously. Bullying is not just a “passing phase” that the unfortunate victim goes through, but can last through adulthood if the victimization reoccurs.
We all know people who are susceptible to having bizarre experiences (often negative) that seem to happen to them and no one else. I’m not saying that every person who has a bad experience has been previously bullied. But those who have had such unfortunate experiences that have not been properly addressed oftentimes find themselves in situations where no matter what they do or how hard they try to live a normal life, something out of the ordinary consistently occurs to them.
Let’s understand that bullying is just another word for harassment. The victim of harassment experiences emotions, from embarrassment to extreme fear. The fear can be a result of feeling unsafe, whether physically (due to assault) or emotionally (due to humiliation). No matter the situation, bullying is a serious social stressor that comes with intense feelings of powerlessness and the horrific sense of defenselessness.
Even when that period is over, if not properly addressed, the victim can go through life with the victim mentality, feeling that just as bad things happened in the past, they will continue to occur. In some way, it is seen as bad luck always happening to them. For some, it may look like bad things continuously happen to them because the victim may subconsciously gravitate towards those who can potentially hurt them. They may not sense danger, or they are attracted to the personalities of people like those early experiences. For example, it is not uncommon to find that victims of crime go through secondary victimization.
It’s a sad phenomenon, but when something bad happens to a person, though it may not have been their fault, they are frequently blamed and shamed. Whatever this young lady endured as a child and later as an adult, it is possible that she was blamed and shamed for it, and therefore she likely has not received adequate support. Worse, it probably made her feel stigmatized.
Just look at the way you wrote about her. You truly believe that she has the potential to complain about a future spouse. What would happen if this young lady chas v’shalom ended up in a bad marriage, would you say that she’s at fault? I’m going to take the liberty and respond that the likelihood is yes.
As bizarre as it sounds, this girl is an easy target for a bad person who would see her as weak, since she already has a reputation for complaining about others and is therefore less likely to be believed should this bad person do something harmful to her.
The way it seems now, anyone the girl complains about in the future can be fairly certain they will not be held accountable because she will automatically be discredited. Not only that, but in such circumstances, she stands the chance of being accused as the initial aggressor. Can you imagine how traumatizing that would be for her, knowing that anyone can do whatever they want to her and get away with it?
I have a hunch this young lady does not trust too many people in her life. If you are one of the few she trusts, any inkling you might convey of not believing her will be shattering.
My advice is that since you have a close relationship with her mother, talk to her first and find out exactly what happened to this young lady in her early life, and what has occurred since then. If there is a pattern, point this out to her and find out if her daughter has received therapy. Even if she has, she might still benefit from ongoing therapy, particularly if she tends to attract the type of people who tend to bully others. Without a doubt, there is something going on with her, and continuing to date and possibly marry would not be beneficial, particularly without counseling. Please give her the benefit of the doubt when she does complain about someone. Be understanding that she likely gets hurt more easily than someone who has not endured previous bad experiences. Let her know that you are on her team, and not against her.
This young lady may not have mastered the skills to transition from her early years of getting picked on to the coping mechanisms and social adjustments she needs as an adult. She might even be hypersensitive and easily triggered by things others say. For example, if she was picked on because of her choice of clothes, any comment about what she’s wearing could awaken these old scars. With the right therapy and support, her flashbacks can be managed and her emotional responses can be improved, helping her to cope better. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com