Dating Forum

Question

We have married off all our children except for the youngest daughter. Baruch Hashem, all my married children have families, but there were issues with all of them that, had we known before, we would never have agreed to the shidduch.

With our youngest daughter, we were lucky enough to find out something beforehand. She was redt a shidduch with a boy from a successful and wealthy family, but we found out something bad about his father. From what we know, the boy himself is nice, but we are not going to allow our daughter to marry into such a family. We only found out by accident. I think that people need to know who they are marrying before they get married. The shadchan needs to tell the whole story. Now, my daughter is very disappointed, and she doesn’t trust anyone to redt her a shidduch anymore. What can we tell her and how can we make sure that something like this does not happen again?

Response

There is a story told that a man went to a rebbe crying that he can’t marry off his daughter because the neighbor who lives downstairs is an enemy of the family and he’s constantly saying bad things about them to anyone who asks for information. The man was beside himself with anguish that every shidduch is being ruined by his neighbor. The rebbe listened intently, and while the man was waiting for a response, he saw that the rebbe was deep in thought, concentrating on what to say. Finally, the rebbe responded and he said, “Your daughter’s bashert is not going to ask your downstairs neighbor for a reference. Your daughter’s bashert will ask the neighbor who lives upstairs from you.” And that is exactly how it turned out! The moral of the story is that this is how it ends up working out with shidduchim. Hashem is the Ultimate Shadchan, as He is the One that is mezaveig zivugim. 

When it appears that a shidduch has been ruined by a malicious person, the shidduch was never meant to be. No one can ever take away what is decided by Hashem. No person is that strong to get into a boxing match with the Ribbono Shel Olam and fight Him for what He has determined, whether it’s a zivug rishon (destined before birth) or zivug sheini, (based on other factors). When you say that had you known in advance what you found out about your children’s spouses after the wedding, you would never have allowed those shidduchim to take place. This is because Hashem intended those shidduchim to happen, so you therefore were never meant to find out until after they were already married.

In the case where you happened to find out something negative about a shidduch that was redt to your youngest daughter, I assure you that it was no accident. If you are a person with bitachon and emunah, you will trust Hashem that this shidduch was not meant to be and have faith that Hashem protected your daughter. In the right time, He will send your daughter her proper zivug.

As a shadchan I have been zocheh to see many instances of Yad Hashem when it relates to shidduchim. However, I totally understand and get how someone who is so disappointed can feel. Moreover, in this world, although we know that Hashem runs the world, we are still human. We have the right to feel the pain when another person hurts us, whether intentional or not. The calls to references, whether they are names on the shidduch résumé or people in the community, can oftentimes be unreliable. You will find that people will say good things about a person who may not be behaving in a good way, while others will say bad things about a good person out of pure sinas chinam or some self-justifiable excuse. The person who is aware they ruined a good shidduch typically feels as if they have gotten revenge. Unbeknownst to them, they were just the vehicle to protect the person they tried to hurt. In other words, they ultimately did good for a person they intended to hurt.

You stated that your daughter doesn’t trust anyone to redt her a shidduch anymore. The fact is that in many cases, it is not the shadchan that lies, but that the one who is seeking a shidduch who misrepresents himself to the shadchan. It could be anything related to age, family history, finances, jobs, or even as far as the number of divorces the person has had. I will share a story that although it happened a long time ago, still sticks in my mind very strongly. A young man called me about an hour before Shabbos on a long summer Friday afternoon. He told me that he is from a different city and is invited to spend Shabbos in my community. His hosts recommended that he meet me, so I could interview him and hopefully be able to find him a shidduch. Since he was planning to leave immediately after Shabbos, he politely requested that I give him a few minutes of my time. I agreed, and within a few minutes, he was sitting at my dining room table.

He was a very impressive young man in his early thirties who seemed genuine and sincere. He stated that he was divorced and very open-minded to the extent that he volunteered to date young ladies who are even two or three years older than him. I immediately had an idea for him, and while he was sitting there, I redt him a shidduch and I told him to follow up with me right after Shabbos. He ended up saying yes, and she too accepted the match. They went out a few times, and it seemed that things were going well.

One day I received a call from one of the relatives of the young lady who was furious. It came out that the family of the young lady discovered that the young man was much older than the thirty-one or thirty-two that he claimed to be. In fact, he was much older and already married and divorced three times!

I was in shock because, not only did he not tell me about his past, the references the young lady called gave him sterling reports. Worse still, the relatives then accused me of misrepresenting the guy and lying that he was a never-married when in fact he’d already been married three times.

I tried my best to calm the relative down, assuring him that I did not lie and that I would do my best to get to the bottom of the situation, and if it turns out that he was married three times, then it was a case that he did not share that information with me. More importantly, I expressed my deepest apologies to the young lady for her distress.

By the end of the conversation, I was upset and shaken up by what had transpired, but I resolved to get to the bottom of the matter and make it right. I then called the young man in question and I told him about the call I had just received. Instead of apologizing for his deception, he nonchalantly replied, “Well, the second marriage didn’t count.” I was flabbergasted. I asked him why he didn’t tell me that he’d been married and divorced three times and he arrogantly replied, “Well, you didn’t ask me how many times I was married, and besides, like I said, the second marriage didn’t count.” I was beyond upset by this situation and from that point on until this very day, when I interview a man or woman who is divorced, I ask them how many times they’ve been divorced, prefacing my question by apologizing in advance if my question will make them feel slighted.

I needed to share this story so you can explain to your daughter that sometimes, information that should be shared with the shadchan is deliberately withheld and it’s not the shadchan’s fault. And then there are circumstances where it is assumed that the information has no bearing on the shidduch and is inadvertently left out. Whatever it was about the young man’s father that disturbed you regarding the shidduch that was redt to your daughter, it could very well be that the shadchan was completely unaware of it. It is also possible that the shadchan knew, but naïvely assumed it wasn’t their place to say anything as it has no bearing on the shidduchsuggested.

I strongly urge singles and parents to do their due diligence in researching whatever they feel is significant to them regarding a shidduch and not to rely on what the shadchan says because, believe it or not, there are cases where not only have people deceived me and other shadchanim, but there are cases where people have blatantly lied about themselves, making up tales regarding vital information that could have a major effect on the marriage.

The bottom line is that just as there are honest people, there are dishonest ones too. My advice to you is to do your hishtadlus and trust in Hashem that your daughter will be further protected from something that is not right for her, and may she find her zivug b’korov. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].