DATING FORUM

Question

I regularly read your column and I rarely miss a week. When I do, I ask my neighbor to save a copy for me. I am the father of a divorced daughter who is now in her early fifties. She has been divorced since she was 39. That’s a very long time. She made bar mitzvahs and weddings all on her own. My wife of blessed memory and I helped her as much as we could, but she was really the one who did it all by herself. You always give such good advice, and you even give mussar in a nice way. I know that the Dating Forum is about helping people with shidduchim. My daughter knows how to find a shidduch. Her problem is that she doesn’t know how to keep bad people away from her.

I’m an old man and I also served in the U.S. Army, so I know how people can be. What I hear from my daughter things about religious men that you would not expect from a decent non-Jew: drugs, immorality, abuse—it’s terrible out there. This is a crisis and the primary reason why good, divorced women cannot remarry. I hope you will publish my letter and I hope your paper will let you. I mentioned this to a family friend who is also a shadchanet, and she says that what I said is not true. She, like everyone else, is just covering up the truth. My rabbi is the same. He cannot believe what really goes on. I don’t want to spread lashon hara. I want to see my daughter marry again and settle down, but I also want to keep the bad apples away from her.

Response

The one thing I will never do when there is an injustice of any kind is to deny the truth or cover it up. More importantly, I will never sugarcoat anything either. What your daughter is experiencing is not only true, there is much worse out there that she may not have shared with you to spare you undue worry. Before I continue with my response, I need to make something clear. Baruch Hashem, there are more good people than bad in our midst, but it’s part of human nature to feel strong and overriding pain when something bad happens. For example, if you hurt one finger, your entire hand may feel pain even if the other nine fingers are fine, but that one injury can overwhelm your entire system. That’s how it is with people too. It takes one or two bad circumstances to narrow one’s field of vision. I also want to make it clear that my response and what I am sharing with you is not to disparage anyone who is a member of Klal Yisrael, but rather to protect any individual who can potentially get hurt if they are completely unaware of what is going on. This is not the first time I have answered a letter that might seem controversial, and I thank this esteemed publication for permitting anything that is slightly off-color to be published if it means that someone can be saved from future harm.

I have personally witnessed a disturbing phenomenon that warrants attention, and that concerns frumwomen who may be vulnerable to abuse by perpetrators who appear to be frum outwardly. The educational systems that teach frum women convey the idea that if a person looks frum, they can be trusted. We only learn how false that assumption is when something bad happens, with the end result being they start mistrusting everyone, even those who appear frum. Why do you think so many frum people have gone off the derech? The answer is because not only were they victimized at some point, but the abusive behavior was covered up by the people who were supposed to protect them.

As a shadchan who organizes singles events and facilitates at others, my objective is to assist singles in getting married, whether through my events or others. Recently at an event, I was approached by a woman who was noticeably upset who pointed out a man whom she claimed had offered her freshly baked brownies. Initially, I responded by saying, “Oh, that’s nice of him. Why are you so upset?” But I quickly realized my mistake when I saw the terror in her eyes, and she clarified that the brownies contained cannabis. I was in shock and prepared to take immediate action to address the situation. A friend of the woman approached me and said the man was sitting at a table with the brownies in a plastic bag. I verified this information by walking over to the table, and I saw the brownies in a clear plastic bag in an open display. I deliberately sat down at that table and started talking loudly about marijuana in brownies, and quite frankly, I made sure he heard me. Not only that, but I warned any woman who wanted to sit at that table that the man is looking to trick women into eating those brownies.

I don’t dictate to people how to live their lives, but when it comes to deceiving others or trapping an innocent person into being abused in any way, I jump into action. The man attended the event not as someone looking to meet his bashert, but as a person intent on victimizing someone else by offering them a controlled substance.

Studies have shown there is a connection between marijuana use and drug-facilitated assault. There are also well-documented cases when perpetrators have added drugs to unattended drinks with the intention of causing the victim to become incapacitated so they can assault them. I previously addressed this topic years ago after a victim wrote to me saying that she had drunk an unknown substance on a date and was subsequently assaulted. The same can happen with marijuana. The high from an “edible” will likely last for a few hours, but it can last up to 8-12 hours.

Marijuana (also called “weed”) can impair a person’s ability to give consent by affecting their judgement, memory, perception, and motor skills. Some perpetrators may use weed to facilitate assault, either by pressuring someone to consume it, or by providing it without their full knowledge. While drugs added to drinks are the first choice a perpetrator typically uses, weed has been cited as the second most common substance used. People need to be aware and not blindly accept even baked goods from someone they don’t know at a party or an event. That’s the world we are living in today, unfortunately.

Your daughter has been divorced for a long time, yet you state that her problem is not finding a shidduch, but “keeping the bad apples away from her.” From the way you are writing, it sounds like she is socially well-connected, and in her case that might be her biggest hindrance to finding a shidduch. People who are suddenly single after being married for a long time find their world of fellow singles to be scarce. Most of their friends are married and they have nothing in common with them anymore.

Additionally, it feels much more comfortable and cathartic to be in the company of those who have endured the same situation, so they join social scenes which at the onset seem wonderful. It makes sense when you think about it: being in the company of those who have gone through similar experiences can be therapeutic. The problem is that in such circles, there can be one or two bad apples that ruin the entire bushel. If the bad apple is popular or others depend on them emotionally or financially, then others may pick up this bad behavior and become just like him, potentially going along with whatever sinister act takes place.

It sounds like your daughter needs to distance herself from any social group she is part of and handpick a few friends where she has the power to walk away (without consequences) from anyone who behaves in a way that is displeasing to her. I have previously offered such advice in this column, and something that I advise newly single people. When I speak to people who are newly single after being married for a long time, the first thing I warn them is to stay away from groups and clubs. I will leave you with a meme I just saw, and please share this with your daughter. “Don’t be sad that you don’t have many friends. Remember, a Lamborghini has 2 seats! A bus has 30.” n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].