Dating Forum

Question

I’m dating a man who is a widower with children. His oldest is 20 and his youngest is a teenager. We’re talking about getting married, but his children hate me. At first, I thought they didn’t want me to take their mother’s place, but then he told me the real reason. I’m in my forties and was never married. He wanted to date me for some time, but I hesitated because I preferred not to date a man with children and I told the shadchan specifically that I do not want to become a stepmother in a home where there are still children living there. 

A few months later, the shadchan called me to say things had changed with him, and if I marry him, I would not have to worry about his children because they won’t be living in the house anymore. She meant that the oldest will get an apartment and the youngest will go to Israel. I thought that this was what his children wanted to do, but I found out later that he told them that this is what they had to do and that it’s best all around. The truth is I never wanted to become a full-time stepmother, but I also never said that he should kick his kids out either. 

He’s a great guy and I’m sick and tired of dating the same never-married guys who can’t commit, or the divorced men who haven’t gotten over their first marriage and are always dealing with issues, hating on their exes, and complaining all the time about everything. This guy actually wants to get married! What do you recommend I do as the best way to deal with this situation?

{Response

Here’s the thing, and there’s no nice way of describing what is actually going on with this “great” guy. His children unfortunately lost their mother, which is tragic by itself. Adding to that, he’s kicking them out of their home for you. Yes, you made it clear you never made such a request, and I believe you. I also believe that you never so much as hinted that if he kicks his kids out, you would agree to date him and possibly marry him. You merely stated the facts to the shadchan that you don’t want to become an instant stepmother to a man who still has children living at home. That is reasonable and your absolute privilege to feel that way. 

Where his children are concerned, all those facts don’t matter. Their father made it abundantly clear to them that he needs to remarry and they are the hindrance to his opportunity to rebuild his life. Does it not make sense that they would hate you? They see you as a woman who not only is taking their mother’s place, but she is also evicting them from the home where they were raised, one of the few things left in their lives where they can seek solace.

This is a very sensitive situation with various potential viewpoints. It is also a matter that has been addressed and dealt with throughout the generations. The father wants to balance his new relationship and marriage within the established family dynamic, and it’s usually not so easily accomplished. Remarriage is a fresh start, and it could be that even if you had not told the shadchan that you don’t want to be a stepmother, he might still have still preferred a more private living space for when he starts his new life with you. 

It is also possible that he might be looking to downsize his housing and find another place for the two of you to live. By asking his children to move out, he is hoping that they will gradually get accustomed to the changes so their lives are minimally disrupted. His reasoning for their move might also include concern that everyone living in the same household could lead to potential conflict. The fact is that his children have been doing whatever they do at home out of habit, and that was fine with everyone until now. You might have different expectations of how adult children should conduct themselves at home, whether it means delegating responsibilities or other habits that you might require they change.

Whatever the reason might be, should his children be forced to move out, they will automatically feel that their presence in their father’s life is being replaced by you. They will not believe that their father loves them since, after all, he chose you over them. My big concern in addition to their emotional stability is their financial stability. How will they support themselves? It doesn’t matter how old children are, a decent parent would want to make sure their children do not suffer scarcity of any kind. This dilemma is very challenging for them, and they are surely dealing with feelings of deep sadness, confusion, and certainly, anger.

My question to you is why would you want to get into a situation that is contentious before it even gets off the ground? Do you really believe that this man will be able to function in a healthy manner with all the stress and guilt that will be surrounding him? If you really think that he could be capable of shutting the door on his past life and children and live happily ever after with you, then that would mean that he is an insensitive and possibly cruel individual. If that is the case, then you are looking for trouble, People who hurt others and are not bothered by their conscience will just as easily do the same to someone else. 

I would like to believe that this man is grief stricken over the loss of his wife, and he is trying to navigate sudden loneliness, and therefore he is not able to analyze all the factors surrounding his decision. He could very well be looking at remarriage as a band aid over a cut. One of the mistakes I frequently see among newly widowed men (in particular) is their immediate desire to remarry. Widowed men tend to seek remarriage more quickly than widowed women due to a need for companionship and help with the household chores, something newly widowed or divorced men have a trouble dealing with.

Sometimes it comes down to being so devastated by the loss that widowers feel an overwhelming need to fill that void. The problem with decisions made when one is not in a stable or healthy place is that whatever they choose may not be sound, and with time, they may come to realize it was a mistake. When that realization happens, the consequences can be quite devastating 

I get that you don’t want to lose a marriage-minded man. As you said, the men that you have previously dated showed no signs of wanting or being able to commit to marriage, whatever their reasons may have been. With this man, it appears that he is eager to remarry, but you don’t know what is actually going on in his heart and mind or if he is even emotionally stable enough to remarry. My advice to you is to dissect the entire picture and scrutinize all the moving parts. 

It starts with opening the lines of communication and finding out why it was only later that you discovered the true reason his children hate you. His decision to ask his children to leave their home should have been disclosed to you early on, and perhaps you might have been so bothered by it that you may have opted not to even start dating him. The fact is that by withholding that piece of information, you were deceived. You also need to find out exactly what he intends to do regarding his children in terms of long-term living arrangements and financial support. This is very much your issue too if you marry him. When people get married, especially when there are children, regardless of age, they become the new spouse’s issue. Not only that, but everything in a person’s life becomes their partner’s issue. I strongly recommend that you call for a family meeting, including his children, and hear their point of view with a broadminded attitude. Listen to what they say and watch for subtle information to be disclosed, even if it means facial expressions. I have a hunch that during the meeting you might discover other issues that you were deliberately not made aware of. The bottom line is that whatever you decide to do, be like an educated consumer. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].