By Baila Sebrow
Question
My life has been challenging. I lost my sight and was diagnosed as clinically blind with no hope of ever seeing my world, as it were, except through the eyes of others. B’H, the rabbi and families in my community helped me so I could get an operation to restore my sight. My mom and sister were there the whole time.
What I didn’t anticipate was the beauty that Hashem created. I could finally see veins in leaves of different colors, for example, and it was wonderful. After I got my sight back, I managed to complete my degree.
By then I was in my thirties, because previously my life was about getting through the day and doing my best. Now I’m in my forties, and I have never gone out with a man. The shadchanim say I’m past my prime. This is very difficult for me. Would it have been better if I was 19 to 24?
It would have been better, but I’m not in that age bracket. I honestly believe that there is a lovely guy with good middos out there, but it is just so difficult to find someone. I hope you can assist me.
Response
I am so happy to hear of your miraculous refuah and the joy you are experiencing in what many others typically take for granted. You are fortunate to find beauty in all the creations that Hashem has bestowed upon the world. You are blessed in so many ways, including the love and devotion within your family and community. You are several steps ahead of most people who are in shidduchim, and it is for this reason that I have no doubt that when the time comes for you to find and spend your life with your bashert, the joy you will feel is something that few will be able to comprehend or can ever match. So let’s talk about how to get to that destination in your life.
You say that shadchanim are telling you that you are past your prime. I don’t know what kind of people you are talking to, but here is what I do know. These so-called shadchanim not only lack professionalism and expertise in their field, but they have no emunah. In essence, it means that there is no way that they are partners with Hashem in making shidduchim. Therefore, you need to block these individuals from your life. Not only do they not know how to help you, but they can potentially cause you harm.
Prior to your successful recovery you were dealing with a physical challenge. However, I am not sure why you were being held back from finding a shidduch then, and I believe it is for this reason that you are still struggling with various emotions. Many people have or deal with challenges of some sort, but as soon as a condition or disability is identified, from that point on judgment starts getting passed by folks who usually have no clue what they are talking about.
People with disabilities and challenges still have talents, dreams, and hopes for the future. Their feelings and sentiments are no different than anyone else’s, in the same way a person needs to eat when feeling hungry, drink when feeling thirsty, and rest when feeling tired. It is especially cruel to hear anyone say that somebody who is challenged in any way should be restricted from enjoying life to the fullest. Marriage equality includes people with disabilities, too, and, thank G-d, much is being done now regarding this matter, specifically also as it pertains to government benefits.
What’s done is done, and from what you are writing, you no longer have any disability or challenge for which society can unfairly preclude you from marrying. Instead, you are dealing with old-fashioned imbecilic remarks, which likely are stemming from a point of concern about fertility, in addition to the idea that there are men who only seek much younger women.
Nowadays, people are marrying for the first time later in life. I am seeing a tremendous matrimonial increase in the 40-plus age group of single men and women. And I promise you that many of these couples are within similar ages, too. I will not discount the theory that some men hold strong in trying to find a much younger woman to date. But that happens in all age groups. Just the other day I was dealing with a situation where an almost 40-year-old divorced man hired a matchmaker to facilitate a shidduch between him and a never-married young woman who is about 26 years old. As expected, the young woman was clearly offended by the aggressive insistence of his matchmaker, which is why I was asked to step in. I tried offering a compatible match to the man, but he only wants a much younger woman in her mid-twenties. Why am I sharing this story with you? Because you questioned whether you would have stood a better chance of finding a man to date if you were between the ages of 19 and 24.
Women of all ages experience challenges in shidduchim. You are new to this, but there is a good reason why making a shidduch is compared to the splitting of the sea. There are young women who are half your age being made to feel that they are past their prime. It is bizarre and so not true, and I blame the people who are encouraging the older men and lowering the morale of the women. They should be ashamed of themselves and will one day have much to answer for.
That also includes the men in their sixties who insist that they want to date women who are in their thirties. When I ask such men why they want to date women they don’t have anything in common with, since they are from a totally different generation, they tell me it’s because they want to have babies, even though they may already have children from one or more marriages! And it does not matter if I show them textual evidence that older women are now having successful pregnancies and giving birth to healthy children. They still insist on dating the much younger women for the sake of a young new trophy on their arm. My problem with such men is not that they want a younger woman. They can want what they want. Lots of people want things that are unreasonable; that does not mean they have any chance of getting it, nor does it mean that people will stick their necks out to get it for them either. Rather, I take issue with the shadchanim who feed into and perpetuate this nonsense for the “almighty green,” taking money for finding them a young woman they could talk into dating and marrying a much older man. Forgive me for going off on a rant here, but after all that you have endured in your young life, you rose to the top, yet you are now being placed in the terrible position of being discounted by shadchanim. This makes my blood boil.
You need to accept that being in your forties is not old. In the first place, you are wiser and cleverer than the younger counterparts who seek a shidduch. You are also likely more conscious of your health and are therefore taking better care of yourself than a younger woman might, which, by the way, matters for a future pregnancy. I have no doubt that you are more confident at this age and more comfortable in your own skin, especially having experienced health challenges. That also tells me that you might even have more energy than a younger woman, because you probably know much more about eating healthy and exercising. Not only that, but it might surprise you to hear that there are younger men who like women your age specifically for the reasons I just mentioned to you. And besides, everyone knows that amazing women are found in tremendous numbers amongst the 40-year-old-plus age group!
Since you are new to the dating arena, I need to caution you against falling into any trap by sweet-talkers or any man who makes promises to you or professes feelings for you too early on in a relationship. I strongly caution you to retain a therapist who specializes in dating and relationships so that you have an ongoing sounding board to help you refrain from doing anything impulsive or being too trusting of an untrustworthy person.
Now, where do you find the man who will one day become your husband? He can be anywhere. Please reach out to the people in your community and tell them that you are actively seeking to marry and would appreciate their help in introducing you to somebody. These are the people that have watched you throughout your life and are witness to how you overcame the challenges with overwhelming victory. They are the ones to market you in the best light possible. Additionally, join the various groups on social media, but make sure that you check with people you know of to ascertain reputability. Become as social as you want and feel comfortable with. Do reach out to matchmakers, but don’t be afraid to walk away if the person you are speaking to is not on board with your way of thinking. Register with well-known shidduch websites where you can choose your matchmaker to advocate for you, such as Saw You at Sinai.
The bottom line is that the world is your oyster, and you have the option of picking its beautiful glowing pearls. May your light and mazal always shine bright, and may you see the world and personalities of people in all the shades of colors with which they are endowed.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.
