DATING FORUM
Hi, I’m very much a “girl code” follower and I know I can’t break that rule. I have a question. My friend was engaged to a boy and they broke up. She never talked about what happened between them, but she’s still curious about where he’s going and what he’s doing. For example, before any event, such as a wedding, vort, singles event, etc., she asks other people to call the organizer and say we want to go, but are worried this boy will be there and it would be awkward. I know it’s a mean thing to do to make the organizer go looking, but whatever. I know that everyone does that!
Here’s my problem. Her ex-fiancé wants to go out with me, and I know that if I do, my friend will be heartbroken and she’ll never speak to me again. I also know that I’ll break the “girl code,” and if it doesn’t work out with him then I can forget about being part of my group of friends. He really is a great guy, and I would like the chance to go out with him. What is your opinion?
No matter what you do, in the end, someone will end up unhappy. Since you wrote to me for a response to your query, I need to first explain the meaning of “girl code” to the readers. “Girl Code” is a term for social codes that female friends (usually in tight groups) follow regarding loyalty and support, particularly where it relates to relationships. Crucial features include never dating a guy a girlfriend is interested in and never pursuing a friend’s ex. It’s all about fostering a sense of unity and mutual support among friends. Betraying and gossiping behind a friend’s back is an immediate cause for the individual to get kicked out of the group. In many cases there’s lots of emotional immaturity that goes on, and most of these groups naturally end up disintegrating on their own as the members move on with life and find the silliness of it to be a waste of time.
You need to ask yourself: How important is this group in your life? From what I’m gathering, you do not want to burn bridges, either because you need this group as long as you are single for social reasons and general camaraderie, and probably also from a practical sense that you never know when you might need someone from that group to give you a reference, etc.
What is clear to me is that your friend has never gotten over her breakup with her ex-fiancé. What I find puzzling is how you don’t know what led to their broken engagement. In a group that is so tight that you refer to it as “breaking the girl code,” it is surprising to me that you were not made privy to the details. Though you were regularly used to find out where the guy goes and to keep track of him, it sounds like you were not considered that much of the gang as to be privy to that kind of information; otherwise, you would know more about what led to their breakup. Take some time to ponder that thought.
If, in fact, these young ladies never fully trusted you, then you would not be breaking any code. The only thing you stand to lose is a few acquaintances.
Since you brought up calling organizers of events to track this guy, whether it involves a simcha or a singles’ event, I can’t let that go by without expressing how irksome it is to receive a call from someone who pretends to be interested in the event, only to be told they won’t register unless they can be assured the ex-boyfriend, fiancé, fiancée, or ex-spouse won’t attend. The problem with that is the organizer may be overwhelmed with preparations for the event and assumes the caller is interested in attending, but just wants to avoid the drama of being in an uncomfortable situation with their ex. So, they go through the trouble of finding out if the person is registered, and sometimes it requires a few phone calls and checks to search for the person’s name, only to discover afterwards that the person who was calling was just fishing for information. This has happened to me numerous times and I can’t begin to describe how much of a turnoff it is. While it is perfectly acceptable to research if someone you are uncomfortable with is registered for an event, it is not okay to use the event organizer as your personal private investigator. Don’t do it again, not for yourself and not for anyone you know.
With regard to the guy in question, you need to ask yourself why you want to date him. Would you have agreed to date him if you had not known him through your friend who was engaged to him? Is he really everything you are looking for in a guy or is he attractive to you because your friend has not gotten over him?
The other question I have is how you found out he wants to date you. Was he a random suggestion through a dating app, a shadchan, or another person? Or did he intentionally seek you out and ask you out? This is a vital piece of information that you need to ask yourself. If it was random, then I’m not too worried about his intentions. The world of dating is small, particularly among people who are similar in hashkafa, life goals, and aspirations.
If he made it his business to let you know that he is interested in you, that could be problematic, as there is no way to know what is really going on in his mind. For example, just as you and your mutual friends have done sneaky investigations to find out whether he intends to attend a specific event, he might be doing exactly the same thing, only this time it is you instead of the organizer who is being used. It is possible that just as your friend is not completely over the breakup, he might be feeling the same way, and his purpose is to either make her jealous or use your dates as a fishing expedition. How terrible that would be for you to discover that he had used you in this manner! I guarantee that if you are being used for information, and your dates are not likely to bear fruit, they might spin the story to make you look like the villain. Meaning, if somewhere down the line your friend gets back together with this guy, he will likely say you persuaded him and he had no interest in you otherwise, and only gave in due to loneliness. Somehow, everyone in your friend group will buy that tale and not only will you lose friends, but worse, your reputation will be smeared.
The first thing I recommend is to find out exactly when their breakup occurred. If it happened less than a year ago, I don’t think now would be a good time to consider him. It sounds like your friend never got over him—but did he ever get over her? Is he out there dating seriously for marriage? What do you know about him? Is he truly a good and sincere man? Just because your friend is still hung up on him does not mean he treated her well in the relationship. Please do not be fooled that the person who ends a relationship is always the bad one. There are circumstances where the ill-treated party is the one who is discarded, and being trauma-bonded, they have a difficult time dealing with their emotions and coming to terms with being discarded and that it might have been the best thing possible.
If the end result of all this soul searching is you still wanting to go out with the guy, have a conversation with your friend about her feelings and give it some thought. Their history makes a huge difference on the impact their breakup had on them. In conclusion, if the motivations of both you and the guy are genuine, and if you are prepared to deal with the negative consequences to your friendships and social groups, then, and only then, would it be safe to go ahead. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
18th Annual Evening of Elegance for Singles Ages 24-38, Labor Day, September 1, 6:30 p.m.
Baila Sebrow, renowned shadchan and 5TJT columnist, is hosting another Evening of Elegance that will feature gourmet food, wine bar, entertainment designed for meeting, and interactive activities with skilled shadchanim and facilitators who follow up to make sure the attendees will have dates with those they meet. These top-quality shadchanim are committed to building relationships with the singles to further assist them in helping them meet their bashert, and many shidduchim have resulted from these events.
Admission is $40. For further information and reservations, please contact Baila Sebrow at 516-849-5863 or e-mail [email protected].
This event is purposefully designed so marriage-minded singles can meet each other in a dignified way. As an advocate, shidduch consultant, and relationship coach, Mrs. Sebrow handpicks the shadchanim so they can assist singles in finding their bashert.
To date, this venue has, Baruch Hashem, been the shaliach for many shidduchim, and it is a recognized fact that at every event couples have met and gotten married.
The event will take place in Lawrence and is l’zecher nishmas Dovid Shmuel ben Yosef Mordechai, z’’l, David Sebrow, who in his short lifetime was involved in many chassadim, especially shidduchim. David was Mrs. Sebrow’s husband who was niftar eight years ago, and his tzavah was that she should always continue organizing events and never stop making shidduchim. David’s wish was for every single to meet their bashert and be married.
