DATING FORUM

Question

I got married in my late 30s. My husband and I are pretty close in age, so I know how hard it is for singles. While we were going through our dating journey, one of the things we both promised Hashem was that if He helped us find our bashert, we would help other singles. We met each other at a singles event, and we believe that’s the best way for singles to get to know each other. On paper, we for sure would have said no to the idea of meeting each other. Right after we got married, we became very driven to help singles.

I read your column last week in which a girl called the organizer of an event to find out if the ex-fiancé of her friend would be there. We have a different problem. Single friends of ours ask us to not invite certain people they don’t like, and they ask us to disinvite people with whom they had a problem or with whom they had a bad experience while on a date. I used to go along with their requests, but my husband does not allow me to do this anymore. He says it’s not right to hurt people’s feelings. What’s your take on this? Also, if the person is not really right for the event, and you know that nobody will like them, should you still let them come? What about if another organizer tells you not to take a certain person?

Response

It gives me such joy when I receive letters from newly married people who “pay it forward” by helping others through this difficult challenge of getting married. Kudos to you and your husband for making that promise to Hashem and keeping your word. What you and your husband are doing is so incredible and important, because you also understand that meeting someone in person at an event usually has a high success rate, as not every couple sounds compatible on paper. But like everything else in life, no good deed goes unpunished. When it comes to doing things for the Klal, particularly when it comes to organizing singles’ events, the politics that goes on behind the scenes make issues of national importance seem trivial by comparison. That’s not being facetious. There are sometimes vicious schemes by those who treat it as a business against those whom they view as competitors. I’m not going to go into all or even some of the details because it would be too long for a column. Besides, it sounds like you and your husband are not into organizing events for the money. You do it lishma, and I will therefore focus on your particular issue.

What you are dealing with is something that most organizers have to deal with if not frequently, then at least once in a while. Oftentimes, I share personal experiences about my shadchanus and events when responding to a query for informational purposes so readers can glean a lesson from it. Recently, a young man was angry at me because a young lady he had once dated attended an event for which I was merely facilitating as a shadchan. His issue with me was that he believed (based on his version of the events regarding how she conducted herself while dating), that I should not have allowed her to attend the event.

I tried to explain to him that it was not my personal event, and I had no access to the registration roster. There is no way I could have known she would be there, and it wasn’t until she passed the check-in that I actually noticed her. He said I should have thrown her out (!). Again, I repeated to him this was not my event, and I had no authority to throw anyone out. He refused to accept my explanation and proceeded to demonstrate disagreeable middos to me in retaliation.

I had another situation many years ago at a hotel program for singles and families, where I was invited to lead programming for the singles’ division. Late Friday afternoon, I received a call from a woman who claimed that her husband (from whom she was separated but not yet divorced) was registered at the hotel, and since she did not yet have her get, he should be thrown out. I explained to her that I had no idea who had registered, but the program had separate seating in the dining room for families and singles, and it was possible he was seated in the family section. I told her that I would go to the front desk and find out where he was seated. I did as I promised, and it turned out that he had registered to be with the families and not part of the singles division. I felt relieved after hearing this information, and called the woman and told her what I had just learned. She still insisted that he should be thrown out because she was sure he would talk to singles in the lobby. I gave her the direct cell number to the organizer of the program, and told her that she should speak with that person since I have no authority to remove anyone from the premises. She insisted that as a shadchan it was my obligation to throw him out, and she would not take no for an answer. To make matters worse, her friends started calling and harassing me on the phone right until Shabbos started to get him removed from the hotel.

When I organize my own events, I will not allow a particular person to attend if they don’t meet the qualifications for the venue as advertised. Additionally, when it involves ex-spouses, the policy in such cases is that the first of an ex-couple to register is the one who is given preference to attend, unless both ex-husband and ex-wife confirm they don’t mind if the other one is there. Other circumstances where I won’t allow someone to attend my events are when safety of any kind might become a factor. Otherwise, someone else’s personal feelings or experiences are not my frontline, and I will not allow use of my event for anyone’s personal battlefield.

I get where you’re coming from and the angst this is causing you. It’s not an easy spot to be told to disinvite someone, especially if the person making that request is a friend or someone you know well. If it’s any consolation to you, baalei simcha go through the same problem where an invited guest demands that the baal simcha not allow a certain person to attend, or they threaten to boycott the event. When dealing with such situations, I don’t need to know the whole history of the conflict; the behavior of the demanding party tells me all I need to know.

Personally, I stand firm when confronted with such episodes. If the individual that someone does not like is posing no threat to anyone, I will not permit my event to be somebody’s forum to punish another. Your husband is correct. I am not sure why this is even an issue of contention. Why would you want to get tangled up in someone else’s problem when you don’t have the full story? Just because someone you know and trust tells you that they don’t like a person or had a bad experience with them, that’s not a good enough reason to ban them from an event.

The same goes for event organizers who tell you not to invite a particular individual. As I stated earlier, there are politics that go on behind the scenes, and you never know who has the right intentions. If you organize an event, it is your right to allow whomever you feel is compatible in terms of age, hashkafa, or any other features that are important to the type of venue you are creating.

Hashem has given you the opportunity to partner with Him in making shidduchim. That does not give you the privilege to be judge and jury to punish people for crimes they either never committed or never had the chance to tell their side. And that assumes that the situation even exists outside of the mind of the person who is making these demands on you. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].