By Baila Sebrow
Question
I want everyone to know that young women are such liars when it comes to rejecting older men. If the man is rich and has a big fancy job and house, they chase him. But if the man has no money, they say “eww” about an older man. Let’s call it what it is—they are just gold-digging. I know plenty of rich, fat old men who married young women, and those women said no to me because I am not rich, though I am better looking than those men.
I just want to put the truth out there.
You’re a shadchan, so you know what I am talking about. Let me ask you this: Would a woman date a guy who has no job? If a guy has a job and loses it would a woman stay with him? You know the real answer. So, let’s call it what it is. Women are gold-diggers.
Response
I sense that you are feeling disgruntled, having endured rejections from women you wanted to date. I am so sorry that you have not been successful in finding what you are searching for. Seeing other men attain similar goals while you feel left out of what you presume to be happiness must be painful and frustrating. However, your letter is also filled with nonsensical beliefs, and I’m happy to debunk them for you so that you can move past whatever fixations are holding you back from living life to the fullest.
Let’s start with your statement: “If the man is rich and has a big fancy job and house, they chase him.” Not too long ago, I had a case of a woman I assisted with shidduchim and with coaching who fell in love with the guy she was dating. This man had no job at the time. He did not live in a fancy home. In fact, he lived in an unkempt building that, according to her, was infested with roaches and rodents. I will make it very clear that when she agreed to date him, she knew that he had been unemployed for close to two years. Though he was educated, he was not finding work. She was idealistic and spiritual, and her emotional connection to him was so strong that when he proposed to her, she readily accepted, with the knowledge that she will also live in the same conditions.
They were engaged, but they both agreed that they would make it official as soon as he got a job, just to be able to pay the bills of normal daily living. This man explained to the woman that before he met her, he felt unmotivated to look for a permanent position, but now, with her in his life, he finally felt confident enough. The woman davened for him, raised his self-esteem, and encouraged him to find a job since he was so despondent over the job rejections he had gotten, and from being fired a lot in the past.
During this period of their courtship, they saw each other a few times a week. She made no financial demands on her chassan to buy her anything, and she never complained that he didn’t take her to places that are common in dating relationships. They would oftentimes share only one dish for dinner and make a meal out of it. Not only that, but she would take Uber rides to meet him so that he would not have the extra expense of paying for gas. The woman was in financial straits herself for different reasons, and yet she never held it against him that he had no money or job. In fact, when he often got teary-eyed and told her how financially broke he is, she always reassured him that she loves him and that everything would work out.
Here is how it turned out: A few months later the guy did get a job, and shortly thereafter he developed a distaste for the woman to whom he was engaged. He started finding fault in her about anything she said or did, not just in the present but about things in the past before he even knew her. He twisted everything to make her feel inadequate. Then one day he told her they would continue dating but that he is not going to marry her. She remained in the relationship, hoping things would get back to the loving way they were in the beginning. But instead, he continued to treat her poorly, and then eventually he told her that he was done with her and there would never be a reconciliation. Certainly, one can say that the fact that when times improved for him he bailed on her speaks plenty about his character.
Do you think this is a one-in-a-thousand incident that I shared with you? Do you know how many women who are currently divorced have told me that while they were married to men who had no money, they had wonderful marriages, and as soon as the husband had a financial windfall, they were suddenly treated, in their words, “like garbage?” Do you know how many women have dated men who were going through a personal crisis, yet stayed with them through thick and thin, and as soon as life improved for these men, the women were discarded?
So no, all women are NOT gold diggers. There are good women out there who are looking for a man with whom they can share a connection and feel mutual compatibility. In my 40 years of shadchanus and relationship coaching, I can confidently state that the men who have no money can also very much have devoted partners if what they seek is a good and kindhearted woman, and not the number of years their junior.
To be fair, there are situations where a woman will toss out a man because he loses his job or suffers a financial defeat. But women with such inclinations will also leave a husband or boyfriend because he developed a medical condition or he is no longer exciting to her, or because she thinks she could get what she assumes to be a better guy. Quite frankly, those types of women are best matched with men who leave good women after they fall into money, and in my professional matchmaking opinion, they deserve each other!
True gold-diggers have no shame. They make it very clear that they will only marry somebody with money when they speak to a matchmaker or to the men who express interest in them. The older men you know who married younger women know exactly why these women married them. There are no secrets in such relationships where true intentions are concerned. But that is the choice those folks make. The man marries the woman because she is young, and, in exchange, he provides her with luxuries that she otherwise could not afford. The woman marries him because of what she is receiving from him. The consequence of such relationships, though, is that there is no soul connection, no devotion, and, for lack of a better description, it is a marriage of convenience for all involved parties.
The “eww” that a woman expresses when an older man hits on her is typically coming from a place of disgust because a man old enough or older than her father wants to date her. In most cases, women who are totally turned off by an older man will not date him, even if he was a tycoon. Most women I assist with shidduchim would never date a much older man, regardless of how rich he is. They seek their equal in age, and there is nothing wrong with that. It is a particular type of woman who only seeks to marry a wealthy man and does not care about anything else. Furthermore, they are in the minority of women in the shidduch world.
From the way you are writing, I am taking the liberty to assume that you are an older gentleman and not rich. You also come across as a sensitive person because you are feeling pain in your shidduch journey. You therefore would never be happy with a wife who does not love you, and who might be there for you when you take her to parties and on luxurious vacations but will not stay by your side if, G-d forbid, you take ill or lose whatever money you have.
You appear to be living life now by looking at what others have, rather than how you can find what is right for you. You are attracted to youth, and in such a situation, I typically recommend that the man find a woman who is age-appropriate to him but has a youthful appearance and demeanor. I don’t know how old you are, but there are plenty of older women who take great care of themselves and look younger than their years. Sadly, they are unable to find a shidduch, because as soon as they state their age, the men decline them. I frequently suggest that women in this category go to places where they can meet a man on their own.
Oftentimes, when a man likes a woman after meeting her, enjoys the conversation, and feels an attraction to her, the age will usually not matter. And that is what I recommend to you. Go out and network at singles events or other social gatherings, and find a woman who will be beautiful to you inside and out and who possesses a youthful spirit and fun-loving nature. This kind of woman will bring you much joy for the rest of your life.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.
