Dating Forum

Question

My twins, a boy and a girl, are both 30 and in shidduchim. Whenever I complain that the shidduch system is one-sided, for the boys’ benefits, people whose children got married when they were young don’t always believe me, or they think that I’m exaggerating. 

I’m writing to you about something that just happened because a lot of people read your column and I want everyone to know what is happening out there. Of course, I could use some advice too.

A shadchan called me saying she has ideas for both my children. She first redt a girl to my son and said nice things about her and that she’s 30. I asked, “Okay, my son dates girls his own age.” And I asked to see her resume and photo. Then she redt a shidduch for my daughter. First, she told me his name (I had never heard of him before, and she spent ten minutes praising him, finally telling me that he’s around 40 and divorced, but not to worry because his kids are teenagers and then she went back to praising him. Right there I interrupted her and told her my daughter is only 30 (which she knew) and she doesn’t date men who are 40, especially divorced men with a bunch of children. I had a feeling that maybe he’s even older, so I asked her for his exact age. Finally, she told me he’s in his mid-forties. Can you believe that chutzpah? 

How does a shadchan dare redt such a shidduch? Did she really think I would jump with joy for redting a middle-aged man with grown children to my young daughter? Baruch Hashem, she is beautiful, educated, has a good job, and she is blessed with ale maalos, bli ayin hara. She could have been married years ago, but her only fault is that she was picky when shidduchim were redt to her. 

To end my story, I told the shadchan very nicely that this man should be redt to women who are divorced and have children like him, and that there are lovely women looking for such a shidduch. I didn’t tell my daughter about this suggestion because it would make her cry and she would never want to deal with this shadchan again. 

A shadchan is supposed to help singles, not try to favor for one side only: the man’s, which is what she was doing. She also probably thinks that my daughter can’t do any better. Shame on her. The story doesn’t end there. Through a third party, I heard that the shadchan goes around saying that I’m difficult to deal with. Sure, I’m difficult because I won’t accept a middle-aged divorced man with children to my young daughter. Shame on such a shadchan!

Response

Your pain is unmistakenly deep and profound. Not only does it hurt you that your daughter is not yet married, you were also forced to endure such an inappropriate and insensitive suggestion. My heart goes out to you. The shadchan behaved in a presumptuous manner that should not be condoned or copied by anyone who is involved in making shidduchim. Unless you told someone that your daughter is open to such a shidduch, it makes no sense that the shadchan would recommend someone so inappropriate, unless she didn’t think it through. It could also mean that the shadchan is behind the times and so old-fashioned in her way of thinking that she assumed a 30-year-old single girl would be ready to jump at any suggestion no matter how inappropriate. It’s also possible that the shadchan may have married off her children young and thus has little awareness about the large numbers of never-married singles in their thirties. 

I’m sorry this happened to you. But sadly, this is what single young ladies are often subjected to. It’s challenging enough for someone who is accomplished to find a compatible shidduch, but to be burdened with a suggestion that is so incompatible as you described is beyond the pale. This is wrong on many levels. For starters, redting this man to your daughter is basically telling her to forget about finding a guy in her age range and marital status bracket because the only one that will consider her is an older divorced man with children. There’s another angle to this. What about the lovely women in their forties who are divorced and have children the same age as this man? Many sit home alone for years without a date, because these so-called do-gooders save such men for the younger, never-married women. I know I’ll get flak for saying this, but the truth needs to be told. 

You did the right thing by not telling your daughter about this shidduch idea because you knew it would make her cry and cause her to mistrust shadchanim. Kudos to you. You are a good and kind-hearted mother. Your daughter is very lucky to have you. You also convey wisdom and fairness in the chinuch of your son as it relates to shidduchim, because you don’t turn down young ladies who are thirty. Believe it or not, there are mothers of young men who would say no to a girl who is thirty even if their son is also 30!

The shidduch system, like other systems, does not always operate according to the rules of ethics, but that does not mean your daughter must abide by every suggestion, no matter how nonsensical it is. It is my opinion that educated young ladies of thirty or more should deal with shadchanim who also attained higher education. I’m not saying this to be insulting to shadchanim that have not, the fact of the matter is that to efficiently help someone, they must be able to understand where they are coming from. To clarify, to be heard and understood, he or she needs to “get it.” The shadchan who called you doesn’t “get it.” She undoubtedly feels that she did the right thing by suggesting a man who would be interested in your daughter, and in her mind, she believes that you are wrong for declining what she considers to be a good shidduch. Truthfully, you cannot argue with such ignorance, because she will never be convinced that she didn’t do the right thing, and that she would have been better off not calling you at all. You are justified in your assumption where you stated, “She also probably thinks that my daughter can’t do any better.” In her mind, the shadchan likely believed that she was doing a big mitzvah for that call. I can assure you that she never assumed that her call to you would cause such agmas nefesh, and even if you were to tell her, she in all probability would still feel justified for redting this shidduch. 

In this case, you did not seek out this shadchan, but for the future, I recommend that parents and singles make it clear that they will only deal with matchmakers who align with their way of thinking. I have always said that there needs to be a good match between the matchmaker and the client for a successful match to happen.

It is my opinion that singles who are 30-plus years old should exert more effort into finding dates via singles’ events and apps, or any other method where they can meet like-minded, compatible people. In the best of circumstances, when anyone reaches out to a matchmaker for assistance, he or she will come up with ideas based on how the single man or woman represents themselves. In other words, the suggestions will be based on their opinion, which may or may not be accurate. Please encourage both your children to utilize options that will maximize their chances of finding what they really want and are looking for in a potential spouse.   

Please try to put this experience behind you and look at it as the steppingstone to finding your daughter’s shidduch. It is written that each shidduch suggestion brings one closer to their bashert. We don’t know why Hashem gives nisyonos to some people, especially those that come with tremendous agmas nefesh. May this recent nisayon that brought so much pain bring you shalom nefesh, and may you soon be zocheh to walk your children to the chuppah b’korov. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].