DATING FORUM

By Baila Sebrow

Question

I’m dating a guy who I think is, deep down, actually very sweet. But my parents don’t like it that he uses swear words when he gets angry. They want me to break up with him. I discussed it with my mashpiah, and she says that guys sometimes talk like that. My shadchan also agrees with her.

There was a time in my life, during high school, that I used to be just like that. And even at that time, I was careful not to talk like that around anyone except for my family and close friends. As I got older, I grew and became more spiritual, and I now have better control of my emotions.

The truth is that it really bothers me when he loses it. For example, I don’t see that it’s such a big deal if someone takes a parking space that he wanted. That’s what happened once when we were out on a date. He got so upset that he screamed at the top of his lungs words that were embarrassing. Luckily, I didn’t know who those people were! He also gets mad at me for various reasons, but not like with other people.

To me and my family he is very nice. I know that he would do anything for us. I’ve discussed with him how he gets sometimes, and he jokingly says, “You know that I’m not a nice person.”

What is your opinion of such a guy? I need to mention that I can’t see myself not being with him.

 

Response

My first inclination is to give you a quick, short answer: No, just no. But because you need to understand what you are dealing with, let’s delve into the essence of your relationship where it relates to respect, or lack of it.

You are describing a person that not only has a short fuse, but also shows strong contempt for anyone that crosses him in any way. He is nice to you and your parents? Sure. He is smart enough to know that if he offends any of you, he loses the one person who actually cuts him some slack–namely you. Although, he gets angry at you too, you say. But not like with “other people.” How long will that last?

I am not necessarily surprised that your shadchan defends him. She is determined to see this shidduch through. She might also be under the false impression (like many other people) that marriage solves all problems.

However, what does shock me is the cavalier attitude of your mashpiah regarding the middos of this guy. My guess is that perhaps she is still judging you based on the way you were as a high-school girl, rather than how you are today. I will assume that either she knew you then, or you shared that aspect of yourself with her. But I find it curious that as your mashpiah, she does not recognize that you have grown in a positive way, and you now find such outbursts very disrespectful. Moreover, encouraging you to date a man who clearly demonstrates a lack of self-control could likely hurt you down the line.

Nowadays especially, people tend to take the usage of improper language too lightly. It could be a cultural thing, or perhaps upbringing. If one is accustomed to an atmosphere where unsuitable words are shouted during moments of anger or disappointment, hearing it from outsiders is not shocking. In addition, those who express themselves in such a manner find that using unbefitting words is a way to relieve their personal frustration. So, your shadchan and mashpiah might be possessed of a similar thought process.

Your parents are not only correct to dislike his swearing, but are also being cautious by advising you to break up with him. Do you realize how you are describing this guy? If you were to have said that he just uses swear words and left it that, I would assume that he uses such speech in a joking way. Not that I condone such behavior, but I would at least feel persuaded to give him some benefit of doubt and presume that he is simply a bit immature. But the anger aspect of his personality is what scares me, and in all likelihood scares your parents even more.

You are astute enough to realize that his over-the-top reaction to that parking incident you describe was unwarranted. You also need to appreciate that it was not just the parking space that made him angry. A misconception about someone who loses his temper over what may be considered a minor incident is that the anger is a result of the incident. In some cases, that might be true. But in most other cases it is a consequence of a trigger reaction.

When an angry person gets angry, it always follows an incident. Being cut off in traffic, being cheated out of a parking space, the waiter mixing up the order, etc. Many things can go wrong during the course of a day. That’s life. People who have pleasant dispositions deal with their disappointments in a rational way. Those who have no control over their emotions lose it by ranting and raving. Words just fly out of their mouths, and they don’t care who the audience is. And it sounds like this is the type of guy you are dating.

People who live with such spouses oftentimes feel that they cannot do anything right. Because no matter what happens, the good will never count. The angry person will tend to focus entirely on the disappointment he feels at the moment, above the satisfaction that could be staring him in the face. Is that the type of lifestyle you envisioned for yourself? Unfortunately, there exist marriages in which that is the scenario.

Believe him when he professes to not being a nice person. I don’t think this guy is saying that in jest. He knows that he is not nice, and proudly shows that feature off when things do not go according to his plans.

The simple answer can be as I told you in the beginning of my response. But something tells me that you would rather see if there is some way to make this relationship work. There are experts who claim that there are ways that one can manage his anger. The question is, will he want to?

When you discussed your displeasure over his antics, he brushed you off by telling you that you knew all along that he is not nice. In fact, he is clearly demonstrating to you that he is not hiding anything about himself. This guy is making sure that you understand what you are getting yourself into should you choose to pursue this relationship any further.

I won’t tell you that it is completely impossible for him to work on himself and improve his character. If you cannot fathom being with anyone else, then exploring that possibility is always an option. You can try having another conversation with him. This time you can have a heart-to-heart dialogue where you explain how you feel about him as a person, but cannot live with the way he talks and his quick-to-anger temperament.

You can offer to help him work on himself, and suggest that if there is something that he would like to see you change, that you are willing to exert yourself in that area too. You are not putting yourself down by saying that. Rather, you are illustrating that you are ready to work together with him. However, be cautious should he turn it around and say that there is nothing wrong with him, only you. If that ends up being the case, I am sorry to say that you would be best advised to end the relationship right there and then.

However, if he hears you out and opens up to you, that might be a positive step. Furthermore, if he is willing to get assistance from a professional who deals in anger-management issues, then you have a fighting chance that this relationship may have some potential.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.