DATING FORUM

Question

I was single for a long time, and I always promised myself that when I get married, I would help other singles find a shidduch. I know what it’s like to be an older single and deal with the frustrations of dating and getting matchmakers to understand what I’m looking for. It always felt like they were redting me to men that nobody else wanted, and who are still single today. I’ve been through all that, and I ended up meeting my husband at a random Shabbos meal when I was out of town for work.

Now that I’m a shadchan myself, I also see the frustrations on that side. I will be the first to admit that it’s not easy dealing with singles, and I think I’m a fairly patient person. One of my pet peeves is when parents of older singles call me to find a shidduch for their older son or daughter. What’s up with that? I don’t want to talk to the mother or father of a 40-year-old man or woman. It’s just weird.

Another thing that really gets to me is why people say they’re looking for a “boy” or “girl” and not a man or woman when they call me asking me to find them a shidduch. It’s also frustrating when singles don’t call me back. They basically ignore me until they want to talk to me. That’s not how I treated shadchanim when I was single, even the ones that were not so nice to me.

Response

It sounds like you recently got married, so I wish you a hearty mazel tov, and may you and your husband be zocheh to build a bayis neeman b’Yisrael. How wonderful that you kept your promise to pay it forward, and help singles who are presently going through the shidduch parashah. As a shadchan, you will be able to appreciate and understand what it feels like to be single for longer than people would like. In fact, I encourage couples who get married after enduring challenges to keep looking out for their single friends and to also do what you’re doing. Putting yourself out there like that cannot be easy, but because you understand what really goes on behind the scenes, you are uniquely qualified to undertake this mitzvah. That speaks volumes about you as a kind and sensitive human being.

Having been in shadchanus for over forty years, I can commiserate with you that there are many frustrating areas, such as when the people you are trying to help show little to no hakaras hatov or behave in ways that feel bizarre. And as much as you try to understand where they’re coming from in terms of pain, it still makes no sense to you.

In the first place, this profession is not black and white. There are a lot of grey areas, some of which are deliberately concealed, while others are inadvertently concealed. In shidduchim you are dealing with human emotions, sensitivities, and triggers. Though there are many more shadchanim today than in years past, largely due to the introduction of technology and the ease of redting shidduchim via social media; however, all this technology is sometimes the direct cause of many problems that exist.

I will be the first to say that while we would expect to see an increase in shidduchim given social media, the fact is that this is sadly not the case. I’ve written on the issues and causes in previous articles, but to respond to your question, I will focus on the frustrations about how you as a shadchan can overcome them.

Regarding parents of older children who call me for a shidduch, I can see why you find that to be weird. I too get that red flag antenna going up in my brain when I receive such calls. I often wonder if the son or daughter is even aware that their parent reaches out to shadchanim on their behalf. Sometimes it’s about naïveté where such parents assume that it’s expected of them to make that call. Most of the time it’s because the single man or woman doesn’t feel like talking to a shadchan, and to be frank, many do not respect the profession of shadchanus. As you said, there are singles that when they need the shadchan they will call, but unfortunately there are those who will ignore the shadchan and not even return a call, leaving the shadchan wondering if they are interested in the suggestion or not.

In other cases, there are overzealous parents who want to do the screening for their children, with or without their permission. Whenever I receive a call from a parent seeking a shidduch for their son or daughter who is older than 21, my first question is why they are calling as opposed to the person seeking the shidduch. Responses are varied. Some state that he or she is very busy with work or school, or sometimes both, while others say that their son or daughter doesn’t like dealing with shadchanim due to previous bad experiences. Then of course, there are parents who say that they know what their son or daughter is looking for, and they are qualified to nix or accept a suggestion. I have even had cases where parents have admitted to me that their son or daughter does not know they are calling yet somehow expect me to find them a shidduch clandestinely. Quite frankly, all of these answers are turn-offs and I’m sorry to say that in most cases, unless their hashkafa is Chassidish or Yeshivish, it points to an overbearing parent.

I want to clarify that I’m not referring to a parent that reaches out to me for general information, such as whether I deal with any specific type of shidduch or the best way for their son or daughter to reach me. Sure, it would make a better impression if such a call came from the individual seeking a shidduch, but I could cut them some slack. Regardless of how that call for help comes to me I still don’t refuse assistance. But it’s very telling that I can anticipate parental interference down the road when their child is in a dating relationship.

What I recommend and what I often stress is that you tell the parent that is calling on behalf of their son or daughter that while you appreciate them taking an interest in finding their child a shidduch, it would be to everyone’s benefit that you communicate with the actual person who is seeking a shidduch.

There’s no guarantee that it will work, because you can never know for sure what’s really going on. I have had circumstances where as much as I tried telling the parent that I need to communicate directly with their child, the parent really insisted on being the point person. Since I don’t usually turn people away, after hearing about their child, I do a test search and suggestion to see how things turn out. If I sense an overbearing situation or dishonesty, I make it very clear that while I’m happy to help, the one seeking the shidduch needs to be the one communicating with me. But you can use your own discretion, and if you don’t feel comfortable talking to a parent, then it is your right to refuse.

I wouldn’t get too hung up on the verbiage of boy versus man or girl versus woman. It’s really a cultural thing. In right wing circles it is common to refer to a never-married man as a boy or bochur and ditto for the girl. It doesn’t matter how old they are. In fact, in such hashkafic circles, a never-married female of 40 or even 50 will still be referred to as a girl. They might call her an older girl, however that term will remain until she gets married. Those in modern circles get very irked by that, and they often berate the speaker for what they believe is a wrong reference. The thing is that when you’re involved in shadchanus and you want to be successful at it, it would be a wise idea to broaden your outlook and be accepting of the various lingos as they pertain to shidduchim.

Since you are new to this holy mitzvah, I will offer you some tips that you might find helpful to be successful. It is very important to focus on understanding where the person you are assisting is coming from. That will help foster open communication. The key is to do diligent searches for matches based on what they’re looking for and if it makes sense based on their background and what they’re bringing to the table. Consider each suggestion with sensitivity to the single man or woman, and don’t be afraid to say that you don’t have someone to match them with now. Please try not to take anything personally if you ever feel insulted. Provide support throughout the dating process of a couple that you match if that is what they want, while maintaining professionalism and discretion. Ultimately, success is measured by actual engagements, but even when not, helping someone in the process of finding their bashert can never be overstated enough. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].