DATING FORUM

Question

I have been dating for a long time and it always fizzles out. That’s how every dating relationship ends for me. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing differently, or that I’m even doing anything wrong. I am 26 years old, and am a very sociable girl with tons of friends. People love being around me, but guys I date lose interest in me and it always comes out that they don’t see it going anywhere. I didn’t go to a co-ed high school, but I talk to boys all the time, so it’s not like I’m shy or anything. I’m trying very hard to understand why this keeps happening to me, and I would appreciate any advice or insights you can provide.

Response

A quote often attributed to Albert Einstein comes to mind when reading your letter, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That quote is not meant to be insulting, G-d forbid; rather, it is used to describe a situation where people keep doing the things that seem right over and over, yet with no positive result or improvement in sight. 

It sounds as if there’s the possibility you’re dating men with similar qualities, yet though they are different people, these traits don’t work well for you. It is analogous to a person going from store to store looking to buy a specific style of outfit because it is trendy, yet the style may not work for their figure or body shape. One would hope that the individual would recognize that the style is just not working for them and find ways to improvise in their wardrobe while still keeping up with being stylish.

Saying that this situation keeps happening with you should be enough to realize that there could be something wrong with the young men that you persist in dating. It may be about hashkafa, personality, future goals or aspirations, family background, or something entirely different. If you can make a list of all the guys you’ve been dating for marriage, please do so. Next to each name, write a few sentences that describe him. Take your time in doing so. When you are confident that you have completed your list, please see if you are able identify any similarities. If you feel comfortable asking a family member or friend for a second pair of eyes, that would be helpful too.

If it turns out that it’s just a matter of changing up the type of man you’ve been dating to someone who may be more compatible, that would be easy so long as you’re willing to accept that and go through with it. On the chance that the problem does not lie with compatibility, that would mean your dilemma is on a different level. 

You might need to do some private self-examination. Do you really want to be married at this point in your life? Please do not be offended by that question. This is one of the first questions I ask singles who reach out to me for a shidduch or coaching. There is a huge difference between wanting to get married because that’s what society expects you to do as opposed to wanting to get married because that’s what you really want and see yourself presently in your life.

When I pose that question to singles, about fifty percent of the time the answer is, “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know.” It sounds shocking to those who assume that every single man and woman wants to get married, particularly if they have never been married before, but the reality is that it’s not a given that everyone wants to get married at a certain time, or even at all.

In the frum world it’s expected that young ladies must start dating by the time they are 19 or 20, and not every parent and shadchan will take into consideration that for some, dating should not begin until much later. The singles we see in their 30s and sometimes 40s who finally get married may have first started to date seriously at that stage of life. That they were dating for so many years before is not necessarily indicative that they were emotionally ready to be married, or that they even wanted to get married. In fact, when young ladies date for many years, there are times when they are just going through the motions, and they really become serious about getting married much later in life. 

The secular world respects that people date for marriage only when they are ready for marriage, and I wish the frum world would give that same respect to singles and not place pressure on those that need time for themselves. Singles that start dating before they are ready will consciously or subconsciously sabotage their relationships. I’m not saying that is what is happening in your case, but please think about it. If you do not feel ready to be married, don’t date. You don’t need to go through with the motions to satisfy anyone. You have the right to do what is good for you.

I have presented scenarios where you might have somewhat of an upper hand in modifying or amending what feels frustrating to you, now I will broach another possibility where it may lie with the guys you have dated so far. When a man breaks up with a woman because he doesn’t see the relationship going anywhere, it is usually because he doesn’t see a future with her. It might be about a lack of attraction, or his own reasons for lack of commitment. There are times when it comes down to something as simple as feeling that the relationship has run its course. Meaning, all the signs of compatibility were there at first, along with the excitement of building a relationship, but somewhere along the way, instead of progressing it stagnates. 

Some people might assume that stagnation in a relationship is a sign that the couple needs to progress to an engagement, but that is exactly where it could get dangerous. If one or both partners cannot envision a long-term future due to any feelings of incompatibility, an engagement or marriage cannot be successful. Stagnation can also result from an emotional disconnect that does not feel to the person as though anything could change that feeling. A disconnect is a sense speaking in a different language and not being understood or understanding where the other person is coming from. Stagnation could also be caused by lack of communication, which may or may not be resolved, depending on where each partner stands emotionally. Then, of course, there are young men who are not ready to be married, and they might back out due to fearing commitment at that stage of their life. 

I hate to bring up another reason why relationships sometimes stagnate, but it needs to be said. Lack of attraction is a big reason why a man or woman, regardless of age, just cannot seem to be able to bring the relationship to fruition. There’s no rhyme or reason why a person feels attracted to another. There are singles who will continue to date someone they feel no attraction for, hoping that eventually the person will grow on them, or because they are encouraged to do so. There are cases that, with time, the attraction grows as appreciation and emotional connection make that a possibility, but when it doesn’t, the relationship stagnates, and there is nothing more that can be done. I want to make it clear that the person who feels that they are in stagnation mode is not always the one who verbalizes ending the relationship. It could be the other way around too, where nonverbal signs are given and the one with the courage to end the relationship actually does. 

I encourage you to concentrate on what you really want in a future spouse. When you are on a date, focus on being confident and as the date progresses, it is okay to show the vulnerable side of yourself. One can be confident and vulnerable at the same time as it shows that you are a real person and not just a “persona” of someone not real. By doing so, the person you are with will feel comfortable opening up about themselves and the interest oftentimes continues to grow as a result of wanting to get to know you even better. Good humor and conversation skills also make a person appealing in a relationship. Be true to yourself and also kind and never try to act the way you think the other person wants you to. Always remain authentic. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].