DATING FORUM
Question
My story is going to shock you because it’s highly unusual for something like this to happen for a girl from my background. I’m a typical Bais Yaakov type girl and I live in a very frum neighborhood. I did everything a good girl does. After seminary I took college courses online and I have a very good job. While at work I met a guy who was not Jewish at the time, but because he was living and working around Jews, he loved it and was in the process of converting. We started to like each other and by now he is a ger.
We have been dating behind my parents’ backs for years, and we want to get married. He is the most amazing guy in the world, but my parents don’t know he even exists. I started to drop hints that there is someone I’m interested in, and they want to check his references, speak to his rav, and find out where he learned… There is no way my parents will ever accept him, plus, he definitely does not look Jewish. I’m scared to say anything to them about it, but he wants to get married. One of my co-workers who became my best friend thinks I should break up with him because they said no one from my community would ever accept him because of the way he looks.
{Response
You must be living under severe duress. It’s very important for you to realize that although you think you have a shocking dating dilemma going on, this type of situation is more common than you are aware of.
Whenever a single male or female gets involved in a relationship with a person from a completely different background, the cause of how and why it occurred must be examined. These circumstances rarely happen by chance, regardless of what the romance novels portray. My concern is that whatever relationship you have with this man, that it should be based on healthy motives.
My understanding of why you stress that he will not be accepted due to the way he looks is that his appearance, according to you, indicates that he is of a nationality that makes it obvious. You are not the first young lady or man to fall for someone of a different color or race. It has happened throughout history, and in the current day it is seen with more frequency. While this may not occur so much in the circles you are in, you would not be the first person to marry someone that is “outside the box” as dictated by your community standards.
As amazing as I’m sure you find him to be, love does not conquer all. That you see him at work, and from what I gather most likely daily, you only see the side of him that he presents to the public. You may be shocked to hear that the way a person conducts himself at their place of employment can be far different from the way they behave in their private life. This is what I’m worried about, that your feelings for a man started from workplace mannerisms and behavior. While there are people who might assume that this is the best place to look for someone to date and enter into a serious relationship with, when it’s a result of shared commonality and compatibility it can be great; however, when it’s the result of just getting comfortable with a person who is vastly different, it can lead to future issues when the rose-colored glasses fall off.
As I’m sure you can appreciate, there are many concerns that need to be addressed in circumstances where people come from similar backgrounds. In fact, even in cases when the bachur you are dating comes from the same circles, your parents will still check his references, speak to his rav, and find out where he learned. This is the accepted mehalech and the way things are done. When there is a dissimilarity between the partners in a relationship, the concerns are much greater. That is not to say that such a relationship is doomed, but it needs to be investigated more intensely. Dating can be a fun recreation, particularly when it is unexpected, but marriage is always a serious business.
That said, let’s talk about this guy and the impact your relationship will ultimately have on your future family. Who is he outside of work? How does he live his life? Does he have a family and what is his relationship with them? What really led to his geirus? These are questions that you need to answer yourself. Even if everything you find out about him proves that he is a wholesome and sincere person and ger, variances in hashkafah and backgrounds make a huge difference and can have a huge impact on living together in a marriage and raising a family. Take for example people who have issues with dating those who come from other backgrounds and cultures and therefore who have different minhagim. Those who consume only Chalav Yisraeldairy products may have a problem with someone who is more lenient in those matters. People who do not eat gebrukts on Pesach may be hesitant to be meshadech with someone who does. It might sound silly to some, but it’s not about the matzah balls that one family eats while the other does not. Nor is it about the rice and beans that a Sephardic family may include in their seder meal that an Ashkenazi family will usually not. It is not even about the snacks served in the home, but the customs and traditions which are representative of the entire image.
Traditions, as I’m sure you know, are the blueprint for the derech that the family walks throughout generations. In frum circles, tradition affects all major decisions, from where you live, what shul you daven in, the schools you send your children to, etc. While it is true that sometimes people might veer off a bit, they will eventually gravitate to the shuls and places they are most comfortable with.
When two people get married, they are not just marrying each other. They are marrying everything from his and her past, present, and the future they will share together. They are in most cases how their past has shaped them. They are marrying into a family that comprises all those past experiences.
Other than he is amazing, you have not shared anything else about him. I am hoping he has an Orthodox geirus. Is he frum? You make no mention of that. What sort of lifestyle does he envision for himself? Can you live with who he is now based on the way he is out of the workplace? There is so much that you need to consider before you jump on the marriage bandwagon.
Before we discuss your parents and their take on your relationship in terms of accepting this guy as a son-in-law, you are going to have to live with the fact that there are other people in the world who may not accept your relationship. Worse still are people who will not accept the family that you will eventually build with this man, should you choose to marry him. As wrong as it may be, you cannot change the prejudices that exist in the world and which you will most assuredly encounter. I believe this is what your friend is talking about when she says he will not be accepted because of the way he looks. I am not trying to scare you away from this relationship. I very much want all singles to find their ultimate happiness, if they address all the realities.
I can understand why you have concealed his identity from your parents. But if you are contemplating marriage with him, you have no other option but to break the news to them. They will no doubt be shocked. If you have not already done so, do not delay in getting to know the guy’s family or whatever connections he has. This is of utmost importance, not just for you, but both sides of your families need to talk and get this all out in the open. It sounds like this needs to be done sooner rather than later. This relationship is far too advanced to delay it much longer.
Moreover, you and he need to discuss your future. You both need to be realistic about the people out there who will disapprove strongly, especially your family. And it is very important that you talk about how you both anticipate your standard of living. If you feel that your relationship is strong enough to withstand any conflicts that may arise, I advise you to appoint a mentor to talk to, such as a rav, who can help guide you.
There are happy marriages where people from different backgrounds marry each other against all odds. If you are both devoted to each other, firm in your stance as Orthodox Jews, and committed to a Torah life, it can be achieved. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
