DATING FORUM

Question

We are two fathers from Skokie, Illinois writing to you today about our daughters. Both of our daughters are in their thirties, attractive, educated, fun, and have good jobs, but for some reason or another, they have not found their basherts as easily as others. We are at a point where we’re starting to get nervous that, chas v’shalom, their time may never come, and we don’t know what to do in regard to our anxiety regarding our daughters. We have tried everything: praying, saying Tehillim, etc., but our prayers so far have not been answered. 

Again, our girls are very well-educated, sociable, pretty, fun, etc., but despite all that, they just cannot find their basherts. 

Please give two “Windy City” dads hope. Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. We first read your forum when we visited a friend in New York, and now that we are back in Chicago, he told us that he would send us your answer if published.

Sincerely,

H and M

Response

I appreciate your readership, and I will do my best in trying to advise you regarding your dilemma in finding your daughters’ basherts. Other than a few details concerning their personal characteristics, you have not shared the types of young men they are interested in, the kind of young men they have dated, and the kind of young men who have declined them. Moreover, you have not indicated the types of men that they would never consider dating. Furthermore, you have not mentioned what has not worked for them in the past in terms of dating, even in cases where everything else seemed to be flawless. Those are very important questions not just to a shadchan, but that can help a single man or woman in terms of determining what direction they need to take in order to achieve a realistic goal.

The most significant and vital piece of information that I ask my clients is: Do you really want to get married now? I preface that question with a disclaimer that they should take a few minutes to deeply search for that answer before responding.

I must share with you that in at least fifty percent of the cases, the response comes back as, “I’m not sure,” or “If I meet the right person,” or something along those lines. I reassure them that it is okay to feel that way and there is no timespan or age limit when it comes to getting married. In fact, I assure them that when it comes to marriage, if they date a person before they are one hundred percent certain that marriage is something they want, it will backfire on them and can lead to serious consequences.

Please understand that I get where you are coming from in terms of being fathers who want nothing more than to see your daughters married and settled. I apologize if the previous paragraph of my response felt hurtful, but not having enough information is the reason I needed to put all that out for you. Here is what you need to accept. The fact is that almost everyone who is single experiences challenges in finding their bashert. It doesn’t matter how old someone is or what status they are living in life. Finding one’s bashert is not an easy parashah, which is why finding a shidduch is often compared to Kriyas Yam Suf (the splitting of the Red Sea). 

Both a shidduch and Kriyas Yam Suf require a level of Hashem’s intervention, because both involve going beyond the natural order of events to perfectly align for a positive outcome. Both situations require individual effort. In Kriyas Yam Suf, the Bnei Yisrael had to physically walk through the sea, and in shidduchim, those who want to get married must be proactive in the process of dating. While Kriyas Yam Suf affected everyone in the form of an open miracle, with a shidduch it is more private, as it touches the individual and his or her family. What people must never lose sight of is that each shidduch that takes place is a miracle from Hashem. It is Hashem’s involvement in the life of an individual that brings them to the point of meeting their bashert and getting married. In my shadchanus, I have seen cases where the lives of families were literally turned upside down just so a shidduch that otherwise would not have happened ended up happening. I am sure you can appreciate this discourse as someone who has tried everything from davening to Tehillim, yet feeling that your prayers are not being answered.

How much are you and your wives and close family members involved in the shidduch process of your daughters? Effectively navigating the route to finding one’s bashert, particularly over the age of 30, involves personal effort and only supportive guidance from family. Recognize that your daughters are individuals with their own preferences for a husband. Though you are under stress, try to create a non-judgmental home where your daughters will feel comfortable discussing what they are looking for, their experiences in dating, and their concerns. Whatever it is that they are telling you, whether you agree or not, validate their feelings. Never contradict how they feel or their opinions on any matter. This is their time to feel that they are in a safe place. Express pride in any of their academic and professional accomplishments. Praise any hobbies or chesedopportunities they engage in. Do not make them feel like they are less than perfect because they are not yet married. On the contrary, stress that they have achieved so much that they otherwise would likely not have achieved had they been married. It is of utmost importance that they never feel like they are missing out on life, or lost part of their lives, just because they are still single.

This is going to be personally directed to you fathers. You must both be role models for your daughters by demonstrating healthy behavior in your marital and family relationships. Lead by example in proving it is possible to disagree on subjects or be upset about situations without losing respect for each other. Encourage open dialogue in communications, and by all means: compromise when necessary. Your daughters must also witness healthy boundaries in their homes and wholesome conflict resolution. Your homes should be places where they are free to talk about anything without worrying that they will be judged or cause tsuris to their parents. There are children who deliberately keep painful things from their parents to spare them any pain. This was common among children of Holocaust survivors who only shared positive news with their parents, shielding them from anything unpleasant. The consequences were rarely good. As painful as this parashah is for you, your daughters do not need to feel that the longer they remain single, the longer their parents will suffer. You do not want them to rush into anything based on that fear. Nor do you want them to feel the need to rush into marriage in order to give you nachas.

I mentioned earlier about the need to offer supportive guidance. This means that at this point, it is best that your daughters take all proactive measures on their own. If they are open to relocating, encourage them to reach out to shadchanim in other cities, states, or countries that they would potentially consider. One never knows where their bashert is currently living and working. On the topic of relocation, if that could really be a possibility for them, nowadays there are a multitude of events for all types of singles taking place in all major Jewish areas on a frequent basis. They might meet their bashert there, but even if not, it will increase their network of friends who might introduce them to someone who knows someone, or at least they will be among other young ladies in a similar situation who can boost their morale. Other options are dating apps where they can indicate whatever they are open to in addition to who they are and what they are seeking in a spouse.

I will conclude with the following parable. When a person sets out to travel to a destination, sometimes the road to that place is uneventful, even when the trip is far. However, the person gets there at the time they were expected to arrive. Then there are situations where it seems that the ride will be uneventful, yet it turns out there is much traffic ahead, causing the driver to reroute in order to get to his destination. There are people who occasionally refuse to reroute, fearing unfamiliar roads, so they stay where they are, hoping that traffic will eventually clear. If it does, the person will probably be delayed by hours by the time he finally gets there. Then there are people who, when they hit roadblocks, will make all the necessary turns to reach their target destination.

The same idea applies to a shidduch. For some people it can appear that it’s smooth sailing, but such singles are typically open-minded about making turns in their journey so they can get married. Then there are those who refuse to budge from what they want. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it won’t happen, just that it will likely take longer. I urge you to please speak to your daughters about what they are looking for in a spouse, what has not worked for them, and gently offer some guidance about looking in different areas regarding their priorities, and trying fresh methods to meet their basherts. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].