Question
I am in a long-term relationship with a guy, but I have doubts about him because even though he is a professional, I earn more money than he does. Nobody knows how I feel about it because I pretend that he is “my everything.” In a way he is. I was in the dating scene for way too long, and I had my share of horrible experiences with guys who wasted my time and just strung me along till they dumped me.
This guy is different. He just came out of a marriage and he desperately wants to get married again. He is not looking to play games. Because of what he does for a living, I was positive that he earns at least as much as I do. Now that we are talking about getting married, he gave me all the information about his finances, and I see that he makes much less.
This really bothers me a lot. My old boyfriends made much more than him, but none of them have any interest in getting married. They just go from woman to woman, and I am tired of wasting time on guys who are not serious.
I know that I have a solid man now, and it’s tough for me to figure this out by myself. I don’t want to get back in the dating scene again; it’s bad there. But in case things end up not working out with this guy, how can I tell if a guy is no longer into me, so that I don’t get dumped first?
Response
Your letter reflects a lot of pain. It must have been terribly distressing to give of yourself emotionally with honorable intentions only to discover that the men you were in relationships with played with your head. From the way you are writing, it sounds like this has happened too many times in your life. That you continued to put yourself through the risk of getting into yet another relationship is telling about the strength of your character. You have much to be proud of.
You finally met a man you feel compatible with, and the best part is that, unlike the cads who wasted your time, energy, and emotions, he is the real deal. This guy wants to marry you! But as much as you want to be married, this does not work for you, because he is not your financial equal. You feel an imbalance in the relationship because you come from a place where not only is money important, but your husband needs to be capable of earning in such abundance that he can splurge as endlessly as those you know.
As it relates to harmony regarding finances, what matters is not how much your husband will earn, but how you feel about the amount he earns. Feeling embarrassed that he earns less than you is bad form, and even worse because you have the sense that you are settling if you choose to marry a man who has less money than you.
You say you are building him up because you feel ashamed of who he really is. It sounds like your social circle is made up of those who count other people’s money to assess their suitability for inclusion in their enclave of friends. Not wanting to have to choose between your friends and this guy, you opted to lie about how much money he is worth. As shallow as this aspect of your story might come across, it is clear that you are stressed about it.
From what you are saying, it does not seem that his income will increase any time soon. But, more importantly, that is of little significance if you look at the big picture; you have no respect for this man. You can marry him, dress him up, and take him out, but you will never be full of pride being with your husband when you are in social settings. If you think that he will not pick up on that, you are making a huge mistake.
From your perspective, the only thing he has going for himself is that he is marriage-minded. That is no small thing. As you said, the men you dated previously had what you wanted on a fiscal scale, but they all behaved in the same way — they dated and left you and they did this to other women, too. However, the guy you are now dating deserves a woman who wants him for all that he is and for what he has!
No matter how great of a husband he may turn out to be, that will never be enough for you. The income disparity in your relationship will always be the “elephant in the room.” You will exaggerate his assets to others to compensate for what you know he does not have. No man deserves to be demeaned in such a way. You will do him the biggest favor by telling him how you really feel about him, thereby giving this man the privilege of making the decision to remain and nurture this relationship or get out of it.
You have the right to be with somebody you feel honored to have in your life, not just privately but in public, too. You must have worked hard to get to where you are, and for you, only a man who is on your level will ultimately bring you the happiness you crave. How can you find him?
You have already come to the awareness that somebody who is recently single is more likely to be marriage-minded than a person who has spent a great chunk of his life playing games and having fun. Humans are creatures of habit, and whatever people get used to doing becomes part of their identity. I do want you to bear in mind that, although true in many cases, this theory is not necessarily written in stone. Meaning, there are circumstances where people have been single for a long time, and whatever their reasons for remaining that way might be, there are those who eventually do get married. However, numbers do not lie, and any matchmaker who works with singles or a single woman in the dating scene will agree that your situation of dating men who back out of relationships is not an unusual occurrence. I will also point out that women who have been single for a long time can also fall into the category of people who find reasons to back out of relationships. When a person is seeking negativity, the most insignificant detail has the potential to become a major factor.
As much as you do not want to go back in the dating scene, it is inevitable that you will find yourself there one way or another. The difference is that the next time you will be armed with the emotional ammunition to recognize the symptoms before they become the death of the relationship.
The men you have dated in the past must have initially given you all the signs you needed to believe that they were interested in you. They surely gave you no inkling that they might turn and walk away, or you would never have given your heart to them. Or so you think…
When you buy something expensive or make an investment, you would do your homework to find out if it is worth spending that amount or if you will profit from the investment. When it comes to your emotions, no less effort should be made. You need the complete story to make an educated decision, and you need to do that before you invest even five minutes of your time or the slightest bit of emotion.
Yes, there are those who are so charming and convincing that it is still possible to fall into the same trap of entering a relationship that may leave you lost and bewildered. Here is what you need to watch out for: A guy who is really into you in the beginning will not be too subtle in letting you know how he feels. When his interest begins to wane, that is when you need to be a savvy consumer, because on the outside you might believe that all is going well, even when it is not.
At that point, you will notice that he is calling or texting you less frequently than before. People might tell you that as a couple comfortably settles into a dating relationship, they do not need to be communicating with each other 24 hours a day. While that is true, there is also a happy medium. A temperature that swiftly drops from hot to cold is not normal. If you have become accustomed to speaking to each other every hour on the hour and it then becomes every few hours, that is OK. However, if for him the communication drops to an obligatory brief few minutes with claims of a sudden busy schedule, that red flag is waving wildly in your face. If he doesn’t respond or it takes him much longer than usual to get back to you, it is time to have “that talk,” and, if need be, you can then be the one to walk away with dignity.
Most importantly, while he may say the right things that lead you to believe that marriage is on the horizon, it doesn’t seem to actualize. Everyone knows or has heard about relationships that drag on for an excessive amount of time, and then, out of the blue, the man walks away. That should not happen if the woman in the relationship has her antennae in working order. There are other signs and patterns too, as each relationship is distinct from the next. The bottom line is that if you feel that a guy is ignoring you or pulling away, the relationship is coming to an end. As the old expression goes, “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it probably is a duck.”
In conclusion, please reevaluate your priorities and determine what is critical to have in your life. A good, honest, and sincere man is a treasure to find, and a blessing to have and keep. But it works both ways …
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.