Question
Whenever I say “no” to a guy because I’m not attracted to him, my mother goes nuts. She says a guy’s looks don’t matter. Well, they matter to me. I know that I’m not alone in this thinking. My friends and I go to singles events all the time, and after a few minutes, I’m ready to walk out the door when I look around the room. I get pictures of guys from shadchanim, or I see their pictures on Facebook, and know instantly that they’re not for me. I’ve gone out with some guys who I thought were good-looking, so I know there are good-looking guys out there.
The type of guy I’m looking for doesn’t have to be gorgeous and he doesn’t have to be super tall, maybe 5’8” or 5’7” if everything else about him is great. He should be in good shape, clean-cut, and put together. The shadchanim don’t get it when I say I’m not attracted to a certain guy’s looks and I think they may have given up on me. My mother tells me that I should take an example from my friends who married guys who are not so good-looking. I’m happy for them, but I just can’t do it. What do you advise a girl in my position? I know that a lot of us feel this way, so I’m definitely not alone in this.
Response
There’s a good reason why the old proverb “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” has been sticking around all these years. You’re not alone in the way you feel and I hear this all the time, not just from single men, but also from women who turn down dates based on appearance. It’s interesting to note that this was not an issue in years past, and neither is it an issue among more Chassidic sects.
There is a psychology behind it. The physical traits that people find attractive are as much conditioned as they are innate. In the example I gave about Chassidishe people, a Chassidic girl who has grown up with a father who has a beard, payos, and wears the levush of his minhagim, that is what the girl will typically find attractive when she grows up. We see this even in secular groups and even, l’havdil, among Amish girls and various other types of tribes and sects in the world. While it’s true that in some cases the marriages are arranged, even in the cases when they’re not arranged, the young girls will secretly have boyfriends who look exactly like their hashkafah or worldview about male attractiveness.
There are times when attraction has deeper roots. It’s not uncommon to find that a guy may occasionally marry someone who looks like his mother or sister, or a girl might marry a guy who resembles her father or brother. We see frequently that the spouses of their children resemble the family they marry into such that, a casual stranger might assume they are biologically related.
The qualities you are looking for in a shidduch might be the ones you were conditioned to believe are what make a man attractive. How can you be blamed for that? On the other hand, perhaps you grew up with a particular look that you don’t find particularly attractive. For whatever reason, you were turned off and you want to marry a guy who looks completely different.
On that topic, I would like to share three interesting cases I had that apply to your dilemma. The first case involved a newly-divorced man who had just gotten through his messy divorce. He insisted that I find a lady who was, in his words, “not the prettiest woman out there.” He explained that in order for him to heal from his painful marriage, he needed a woman who looked the exact opposite from his ex-wife, who he described as beautiful. In another example, a young man who’d had a complicated relationship with his attractive mother insisted that I introduce him to a young lady who needed to lose weight and is on the plain side. In the third example, a middle-aged divorced man asked me to introduce him to a woman who was very attractive, but looked nothing like his ex-wife, who he claimed he was never attracted to during his marriage.
What I’m trying to highlight with these examples is that feelings of attraction to someone are often tied to our conditioning in life. Other times it’s based on some deep psychological origin. There are, of course, instances where the attraction is about a new trend in appearances too, such as the latest celebrity or fashion model, etc.
Under no circumstances should you feel compelled to enter into a marriage or relationship with a person to whom you are not attracted. Not only would that be unfair to you, you would be deceiving your spouse since he might believe you feel the same about him as he feels about you. I cannot advise you to train yourself to be attracted to a particular look when you, in fact, are not. My concern is for your future happiness since these problems tend to get worse as time goes by.
I started off my response to you by validating your feelings by stating the proverb about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. What that proverb really means is that there is no objective view when it comes to beauty. It is a purely subjective phenomenon to each person. We observe this all the time in shidduchim, and that goes for men as well as women. People reject shidduch prospects if they are not attracted to the person. Yet, when the same singles ultimately get married, their friends are shocked that the spouse they chose may not rate high in attractiveness (in their eyes) like the ones they previously rejected.
I’m going to make a few suggestions, and the first one starts with reconditioning yourself not to automatically dismiss a prospect who holds other qualities you deem important in a husband. I have coached many singles through this process who had similar issues as you. In the cases when the single was totally committed to overcoming the attraction barrier, oftentimes the following exercise has worked.
I recommend that when someone makes a shidduch suggestion, you request that the shadchan refrain from sending a photo, nor should you search for their pictures online. Do your research based on their qualities and middos. The importance of this exercise cannot be overstated because you could be rejecting quality people that are simply not photogenic. The problem of seeing their photo beforehand is that it causes you to develop an image of the person in your mind, and when their real-life version does not match the image, you are disappointed and reject them.
Allow yourself the privilege of getting to know the young man based on his middos and character. Get to know the person behind the face or physique. If you don’t like the way he looks on the first date, but otherwise he possesses most of your other requirements, give it a few more dates. I can’t guarantee that it will always work, but I’ve found that in most cases, this approach does produce positive results. I’ll put it to you in simpler terms: You have nothing to lose, and you might even find that you have much to gain.
The problem with singles events is, as you stated, when you walk into a room and base your opinion just by scanning the people. Here, too, I ask you to master this tendency to prejudge people and not instantly reject them based on a quick scan.
I would like to stress that I’m not telling you to marry someone you are not attracted to. I’m asking you to give a guy a chance to allow their inner attractiveness to surface. There are many times when we meet a person that we are not instantly attracted to, yet when we get to know them, they suddenly appear so beautiful that we would never trade them for anyone else. Approach shidduchim with a clear lens as opposed to rose-tinted ones that are in too many cases just an obstacle. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
