DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
When it comes to raising children, there are many variables that contribute to an individual’s approach. For some new parents, they believe everything their parents did was right and they try to emulate their rules and style. For others, they believe that everything their parents did was wrong, so they aim to do the opposite with their own children. Some new parents read lots of books, get lots of advice, and come up with their own style of parenting based on the perceived wisdom of the experts.
And then there are those who simply follow their own heart, listening to their gut instinct, and doing what feels right. And of course, there are those parents who don’t give their parenting a lot of thought. They respond in the moment, not really thinking that in the future, their child might be sitting in a therapist’s office venting about all the damage their parents caused them.
I’m not going to delve into the fact that different children need different things from their parents. That’s for another time. For now, we are going to take a peek into the lives of Isaac and Natalie, two young parents who were both consumed with how to raise their first child, Josh. Both of them wanted the very best for Josh, but were in totally separate camps when it came to figuring out what exactly was best for him.
He Said
Isaac is a twenty-six-year-old self-assured young man who called this meeting because he feels very strongly that Natalie is doing just about everything wrong when it comes to how she deals with Josh.
We began by discussing his own childhood, something Isaac has clearly thought a lot about and believes he has figured out what went wrong. Isaac is determined to not let the same mistakes happen in his own family.
When I asked Isaac to share what his upbringing was like, he was happy to share. “My mother is a wonderful person, but if it is possible to be too wonderful, I would say she qualifies for that description. To go back even further, I know my mother was raised in a very strict home and although she would never use these exact words, I think there was a lot of abuse going on. She grew up being afraid of her own shadow. The slightest wrong word or action would result in severe punishment or even a slap. So, I understand why my mother felt that she had to raise her own children differently. I don’t remember her ever saying no to me or my siblings. As I look back on my childhood, I can honestly say that my siblings and I were absolutely horrible. Really rotten, particularly to my mother. My father was always working or learning and had very little to do with raising us children. But my siblings and I knew that our mother would never say ‘no’ to us. Whatever we wanted, she would always give in.
“We all took tremendous advantage of her kindness, which ultimately was not kind because, as a result, none of us learned how to tolerate the word ‘no.’ I believe, as a result, we all lacked discipline and became somewhat selfish in our interpersonal communication. Today, I look at my brother and two younger sisters and believe we all became somewhat spoiled. My brother is divorced because he just couldn’t figure out how to be a good husband. My younger sisters have been dating for a few years already and I don’t have high hopes for them. They are both very self-involved.
“My two years in Israel were amazing and a game changer for me. I became very close to my rebbe and he became a powerful influence on me. I believe I totally reinvented myself during that time and came home a changed person. I love my mother very much and feel close to her, but I can see clearly what she did wrong with all of us. I don’t blame her because I know she was the product of her own upbringing and wanted to raise her children gently because she found her own childhood so painful. I get it. But all of her compassion not only was not helpful, it really did damage to her children.
“So, here we are with an eight-month-old son and I’m seeing shades of my mother in Natalie, and it scares me. I don’t wait to raise a self-centered son because Natalie is too soft. Let me be clear. I’m still drawn to how kind Natalie is, but I think when it comes to how she is with Josh and how she wants me to be with Josh, she might just be creating a monster. I know I’m jumping to conclusions since he’s still so young, but I want to nip this problem in the bud. To that end, I would like your advice on the correct way to parent Josh versus what Natalie believes to be correct.”
She Said
Soft-spoken, twenty-five-year-old Natalie is clearly not looking for a fight. It wasn’t her idea to seek out couples therapy and it was obvious from the get-go that Natalie doesn’t really get why Isaac is making such a big deal over their differences when it comes to Josh.
I begin by asking Natalie whether she and Isaac have discussed their upbringings much, particularly as it pertains to their different parenting styles. “Well,” Natalie began. “As I listen to Isaac connect the dots between his grandparents, parents, and us, this is the first time I’ve actually heard it all laid out in such a logical way. And it makes sense to me, I suppose. As a mother of a young baby, I guess I don’t have the time to analyze why I’m holding Josh so much, even when Isaac tells me it’s okay for me to leave Josh alone in his crib from time to time. When we have these arguments over things like that, I think Isaac is just being insensitive. I don’t really take into account Isaac’s childhood or who Josh will grow into. I just feel that my baby needs to be held and so I hold him. Maybe I’m just not so deep in that way.
“But the truth is, as I was just listening to Isaac share his story and his conclusions with you, I suddenly had a thought about my own upbringing. I probably never gave this idea too much consideration on a conscious level, but something in me just got triggered. I am the middle of five children. And our parents had the five of us in a span of seven and a half years. I’m sure both my parents did the best to raise the five of us and tend to all our needs, and some of us were needier than others, but I feel as though I never got enough of my parents for myself. I made the best of it and never complained. But I think I probably resented my two younger siblings in particular for taking my mother away from me so quickly and so thoroughly. I was always the ‘good’ girl, sandwiched between two rowdy boys, who often got into trouble and required a lot of attention from my parents. I always felt as if it was my job to keep the peace. Certainly not to add to any of the problems. I remember always feeling sorry for my parents. Maybe I should have felt sorry for myself.
“So, as I was listening to Isaac share his theories as to why his mother over-indulged her children, I guess it makes sense that I might be giving Josh all the attention I never got. But I never thought of it as ‘over-indulging,’ and certainly don’t think that it could lead to anything short of feeling loved and secure. I mean, let’s face it: Can you ever show too much love to a baby?”
At this point, Isaac was getting very anxious to jump in and explain further what was troubling him so much.
“Can I give you a few examples?” Isaac asked. I nodded and Isaac proceeded. “I would say that when awake, Josh is held at least 90% of the time. When I get home from work, Natalie looks exhausted and immediately hands Josh to me. I have no problem holding him, though it would be nice if I got a chance to relax for a few minutes, but more importantly, when I suggest that she just put him down, Natalie responds, ‘But he’ll cry.’ Of course he’ll cry. He’s never had the opportunity to learn how to calm himself down because Natalie runs to him the second he wakes up. How is he ever going to learn how to be okay without someone always taking care of him non-stop? I know he’s very young, and maybe what I’m saying sounds a little extreme for such a young child, but when does self-soothing begin? At what age? When should he start being allowed to cry himself to sleep for five or ten minutes? Or wait an extra five minutes to get fed? Shouldn’t it start in small doses now, while he’s still young and as he gets older, move on to more meaningful situations that will teach him how to be a giver rather than a taker? To have patience? To be okay when he doesn’t get everything he needs in that moment?”
My Thoughts
Isaac has clearly thought a great deal about who Josh will turn out to be someday. Natalie, it seems, is more invested in the moment, making sure Josh feels cherished every minute of the day. But interestingly, both of them are determined to raise their son completely different from the way they were raised in order to heal the hurt and damage they suffered. Neither Isaac nor Natalie lacks loving intentions, but might either of them be going overboard?
My first suggestion was for the two of them to attend parenting classes together, so the “experts” could answer their specific questions, such as “How long should a baby be allowed to cry before picking him up?” Or “When is a good time to start training Josh to sleep through the night and how is that done specifically?” Since Isaac did not trust Natalie’s instincts in this regard and vice versa, it’s important for both of them to trust the voice of a professional.
They continued to see me while they were taking these classes. At first, Isaac resisted the advice he was receiving, convinced that he knew better than the parenting teacher. The level of fear Isaac felt toward “messing up” his son was definitely over the top and needed to be addressed. It seemed to be wrapped up in layers of guilt he felt over how badly he treated his mother in his younger years. We all agreed it was important for Isaac to make amends to his mother and apologize sincerely for any pain he caused her. This exercise proved to be truly cathartic for both Isaac and his mother, as well.
Natalie needed a few sessions to process the pain she shoved under the rug all those years while growing up. Pain that she never truly admitted to herself or anyone else for that matter while quietly suffering. For Natalie, there was no magical moment to experience with her mother since her mother was not willing or able to have a true heart-to-heart talk with Natalie. But having the opportunity to share with Isaac, me, and herself what it felt like to be the middle child in her complicated family did give her the much-needed opportunity to release a bunch of unacknowledged hurt.
Within a short period of time, Isaac and Natalie got on board together, sharing a parenting strategy that they both felt comfortable with and secure about. But they also received a bonus from their “couples therapy experience.” When they each said their goodbyes, they both left with a deeper sense of understanding and compassion for one another and themselves as well. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
