DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
When you are a highly sensitive person, or even if you’re not highly sensitive, but someone who’s aware of the energies people emit, you can easily find yourself being a sponge for their vibes. Some of you reading this column right now may not fully understand what I’m suggesting, but for those of you who can relate to this issue, this column is for you.
In other words, you know what it’s like walking into a room with no knowledge of what just previously transpired, yet you immediately sense that something is wrong. No one has to say anything…you just know. The air is thick. The atmosphere feels heavy. It absolutely makes you want to run for your life.
Or, let’s say you bump into a relative or a close friend on the street. Before a word has been uttered, you sense the individual is somehow in pain. It’s not necessarily coming from their body language or facial expressions, it’s a feeling you pick up. A sense of urgency. There’s definitely a problem.
Some people call such a person who picks up these vibes to be an empath. But you don’t have to be an empath to sense another person’s energy, particularly if you’re close to that person. The energy they emit can feel as real as the color of their eyes. It can be a very good thing, enabling you to be sensitive and cognizant of the other person’s experiences. But it can also be a troubling characteristic if you find yourself spending a great deal of time with a person who is constantly radiating troubling emotions.
As a newly married couple starts developing a deep attachment for each other, this dynamic will most likely occur under the right circumstances. It’s one of the ways a couple comes together as one as their level of closeness evolves into something almost magical. When one feels tremendous joy, the other absorbs it and benefits from the uplifting burst of happiness. But when one is feeling something dark or challenging, the other will likely absorb that burst of negativity. It can be a difficult burden to bear, particularly if it happens often and is filled with a sense of doom and gloom.
Dina was quick to learn how it felt to be married to someone with extreme anxiety and subsequent mood swings. It wasn’t good!
He Said
Levy is a twenty-four-year-old newly married young man who was eager to share his story in an honest way. He began as follows: “Let me save you some time asking me many pointed questions. I’ll give you a quick summary of who I am and if you need to fill in the blanks, no problem. I believe I grew up in a relatively normal home. I never doubted that my parents loved me and my siblings, and I wanted the best for us. But I would say that my entire family—my two parents, my two siblings, and myself—are Type A personalities. None of us is easy-going or calm. Though my parents are kind, wonderful people, as a married adult, I look at them differently and understand them a little better.
“As impressive as I believe they appear to the people around them, there is an underlying sense of insecurity inside each of them, particularly my father. And they passed that insecurity, which resulted in lots of nervousness, onto their children. I’ll give you a few examples. If I brought home an A on a test, my father would ask me if the teacher gave out any A pluses. The message, of course, was ‘maybe you could have done even better.’ If my father attended one of my Little League games, and I made some pretty decent moves on the field, he would definitely complement me on them, but also mention that my good friend Benji, who was a supreme athlete, made more home runs than me. The message they conveyed to me was that I was always supposed to be doing my very, very best, and there was a lingering feeling that it was never enough.
“Of course, I couldn’t help noticing my mother changing outfits several times before heading out to a simcha, never quite certain she looked good enough for my father. She had her own insecurities that seemed to haunt her. But the general message in our home was that we should all do better, and we were filled with an uncomfortable, inexplicable fear that some tragic outcome awaited us. As I reflect on it now, I see that it was not founded on any sort of reality.
“My two sisters, nebach, are probably even more damaged than me and my parents. And though I love them enormously, and can even say I enjoy their intelligent, delightful personalities, I rarely call them because I find that they trigger me with their insecurities. After a phone call, I’m all jittery after hearing them moan about how they are not doing well enough at something, so I avoid them.
“Dina recently pointed out to me, which oddly enough I had not previously noticed, that whenever my parents call, which they do pretty often, I tend to pace when I’m on the phone with them, as if I’m restless or anxious to end the conversation. Generally, the conversations are quite interesting, but I never know when either of them will say something that provokes me by making me feel unworthy or incomplete. I know they don’t do it on purpose, and maybe if they knew I was having this reaction they would feel terrible. But I don’t think they can stop themselves. It’s a pattern that permeates our family despite all the great stuff we have going on. And we are all capable of presenting very well.
“I know I was a good dater. And there was nothing phony about it. I can be witty, thoughtful, charming, engaged: all the good stuff that young women are looking for. I think I have fine values and great intentions. So, I can definitely get through a date without my personal quirks coming through. It’s not that I’m even trying to hide anything. That’s who I am. Whether it’s a date or with a friend or at work, I can hold it together without extreme effort. It’s just that I guess when you find the love of your life and you feel like you can be yourself, everything is eventually revealed. Sadly, for Dina, she has seen it all.”
She Said
Dina is a twenty-two-year-old adorable young lady who could pass for sixteen. I asked her whether she felt Levy more or less nailed his story, and she agreed that he was quite accurate. “Though I’d like to add some context and texture to what’s going on,” Dina added. “As background, there are two very important elements you should know. First, I thankfully had a very different upbringing than Levy. I mean, on the surface, our parents seem very similar and are actually friends. But my parents, siblings, and I are pretty easy-going people. We don’t overthink or stress over most things. Our motto is that most things eventually work out, and generally, I have found that to be true.
“Secondly, not unlike most of my friends, Levy and I dated for a brief three months. I know that in our circles that doesn’t sound like a short amount of time, but when you’re both busy with school, tests, and other obligations and you basically see each other only once or twice a week, it doesn’t add up to a lot of hours. I don’t think Levy was intentionally trying to hide anything from me that would be a deal breaker. But let’s face it: When you’re sitting in a beautiful restaurant, or taking a stroll in a lovely park, there really isn’t anything happening that could lead to a stressful reaction.
“So, the plan was that after sheva berachos and before Levy began his first job, which we knew would be high-powered and demanding, we would take a ten-day vacation. Call it a honeymoon. We carefully planned our trip from start to finish, because we wanted it to be perfect. We didn’t know if or when we’d get another chance to run away together, just the two of us. We were advised that we needed to give ourselves plenty of extra time to get to the airport because of construction and traffic. We added an extra hour to what we were told would be a safe amount of time… just in case.
“That day, the car service was supposed to pick us up at 10 a.m. By 10:03 a.m., the driver hadn’t yet arrived and, I kid you not, Levy started to get agitated. He called them up, and despite being told that the driver would be there in a few minutes, he gave them a real ‘what for’ about being late. The driver did in fact show up at 10:06, which was fine. We had plenty of time to spare. But Levy couldn’t stop talking about how horrible it was for them to show up six minutes late. I couldn’t understand or relate to his intense reaction. But the worst part was that I started to feel anxious as well, which, had I been on my own, I never would have felt in the slightest. It was an awful feeling. Here we were, spending money on what should have been the perfect getaway, and from the first moment, I found myself sweating bullets.
“The disaster continued as our driver encountered tons of traffic (which we talked about in advance and expected), and the security line took forever. Had I been with anyone else, given how much time we had until boarding, I would have been relaxed and already enjoying our vacation. Instead, I was started to regret the whole trip. This was not fun!
“To be fair, when Levy is not under duress, we are great together. We enjoy and respect each other, we have fun together, we laugh a lot together. Levy is smart and insightful, and I can always count on him for solid advice. But when he is overreacting to situations that shouldn’t be threatening at all, I find myself swept up in his nervousness. I’ve come to despise feeling Levy’s feelings. I don’t think they are legitimate and yet somehow, I find myself getting sucked into his vortex of craziness.”
My Thoughts
Levy could not deny anything Dina shared. He felt guilty about sometimes being a “party pooper” (to put it mildly), dragging Dina into his dreaded place, although he questioned why his dark moods should affect her so. Levy had a hard time understanding why, like osmosis, couples couldn’t help themselves from absorbing each other’s spirit. It could be a very good thing, but in their case, it was mainly not such a good thing.
My work with Dina was less complicated than the work I had in store regarding Levy. Dina needed to create skills to protect herself from Levy’s meltdowns. It was important for her to understand that they had nothing to do with her, and even more important, that they would pass, usually within a reasonable amount of time since Levy was aware of his issues and worked very hard to manage them. When possible, she needed to just walk away rather than try to fix Levy. He would self-correct, with remorse and apologies. It wasn’t a matter of if, but when. Not that these occurrences weren’t difficult to behold—they were. But she worked at being more of an observer than an active participant in the drama. It boiled down to building boundaries and discipline.
Regarding Levy’s challenges that stemmed from old wounds that were deeply embedded in his psyche, they would require a great deal of working through. He was a willing participant in examining the damaged pieces of his essence, and though he would probably never be as easy-going and relaxed as Dina would have liked, between both of their joint efforts, these painful moments became fewer and less burdensome. With many happy, healthy years ahead of them, G-d willing, Dina and Levy could now reap the benefits of their early efforts for many years to come. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.