By Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox
“We can’t ignore the war. What do I tell my children? How do I parent them when their fears are real?”
This call I received raised a recurring worry about the effects of the war on our families’ security.
First Response
Noah built an ark, a safe refuge for himself and his family from the dangers outside, and he also provided shelter for the animals and beasts. The Midrash recounts that he was attacked by some of the very beasts to whom he offered food and shelter. This happened in the one place on earth that was supposed to be safe and under the watchful “eye” of Heaven.
There is apparent paradox of having our families, our children and loved ones, in the Holy Land—our Ark—amidst the rising floodwaters of the world, sheltered by all that is sacred, surrounded by fellow Jews and mitzvos, yet confronted violently inside their shelter by those who seek to attack and maul us.
For parents of young people, whether those living at home or abroad, the turbulent flood of fear, danger, and terror is once again seeping into our Ark. It is crucial that we provide the necessary reassurance and emotional shelter, but also remain mindful of the reality that we are facing.
These are the messages children need:
Listen to them. Let them talk. Encourage them to share what they hear, fear, see, and think. Give them time and attention.
Avoid judging them. Trivializing their fears, telling them how they should or should not be reacting should be avoided. Accept, normalize, and validate. “Accept” means that what they are going through is their current reality and you cannot tell them that their experience is wrong or is not happening. “Normalize” means you get it, you are aware that abnormal events lead to extreme reactions, which are “normal” reactions. So, be clear with your children that they are not weird for having intense or troubling emotions. “Validate” means you offer supportive responses that say, “I can fully understand that this is how you are reacting right now; your feelings and thoughts are based on reality. These are scary times.”
Your Response
Give reassurance that all steps that can be taken to protect them and the nation are being taken. You are looking out for them and advocating for them, and are aware of the many resources that are in place that will bring this war to an end, iy’H.
Talk with them about your own faith and practices, gently guiding your children into maintaining their own spiritual and personal routines. Even under duress and emotional siege, routine is healthy and provides a semblance of having some grip on reality. Mealtimes, bedtime, waking time, study time, and yes, prayer time can promote resilience and can add to the healing process.
This leads to a delicate factor. When a young person’s assumptions about how the world should operate are challenged or contradicted by events around them, they probably need to discuss this. If you can take part in that dialogue, offer it. If you can discuss religious and philosophical struggles, do that with warmth and wisdom. If you cannot, then help them identify a trusted, caring mentor, perhaps a favorite teacher, rebbe, or spiritual role model, who can listen and lead them through their dilemmas and questions.
Children respond to fear with varying levels of anxiety. Older ones wonder and ponder, raising doubts and questions. Younger ones may feel phobic, experiencing fear of going out, the dark, loud noises, or amplified worry and scary images. Younger ones may have physical reactions regarding appetite, sleep cycle, energy bursts, or drops.
Age, maturity, and awareness shape how a young person expresses distress. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and we need to meet each child at their level, providing support, comfort, and encouragement when realistic, steering them away from catastrophic thinking, fatalism, hopelessness, immobilization.
When showing support and validation, keep your own fears and sadness in check. Adding to a child’s distress by worrying them about whether you can cope is destructive. We do not want a child to refrain from sharing their feelings because of fear that you can’t handle it. Whether or not you are feeling secure, try to model a sense of calm and focus on family, rather than forcing the family to focus on you.
Younger children can often be assuaged with simple answers. Older ones may demand factual reassurance. Mature children can deal with those moments when a parent concedes, “I don’t know the answer to that question, but let’s both look into it and find out.” Showing your child that you are focused and can problem-solve is reassuring.
The Torah tells us that at the Yam Suf, many felt “aima and pachad,” fear and terror. The Midrash says that those close to the horror felt terror. Those distant still felt fear. The form and degree of a crisis reaction is often determined by how close and personal the incident was versus how indirect and remote it may have seemed. As Jews, every danger is close to home, whether we are present or only learn about it from afar. For children, it is important to keep remote sources of information to a minimum. Tone down the radio and media when they are around. Have your adult conversations and phone calls when the children are not nearby. Avoid showing pictures and shocking imagery and be mindful that your children may hear and see things beyond your ability to filter and control it. Ask them to share the sources of their information, dispel rumors, and discourage them from feeding their imaginations with distortions and hearsay. Assure them that they can discuss all things with you, and while you can’t be dishonest, sugarcoat, or deny reality, you can reframe and monitor where their fearful fantasies run. Outline a clear plan for them if they are exposed to direct danger: they will need a safe haven, phone contacts, and directions for reacting to the unexpected. Be there for them and tell them over and over, “I love you.”
Should you encounter exaggerated and severe upset in a child or in yourself, debilitating fears, sadness, shock, enduring behavioral changes, or a prolonged lack of functioning, contact a skilled mental health professional. May the days ahead bring yeshuos and may the chutzos Yerushalayim be filled with the sound of joy and inspiration. n
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is the director of Chai Lifeline Crisis and Trauma Services. For Israel crisis resources and support, visit chailifeline.org/israel or call 855-3-CRISIS.
