By Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox
“News of the fighting in Gaza frightens me. I have followed your guidelines about limiting exposure to the images and the media and that has helped keep my mind calmer. I am still frightened. I have worries, I worry about our soldiers and their families. I am uneasy about public opinion, which constantly condemns Jews. I don’t know how safe it is here in America now. I do not understand why Hashem is doing this to us. I get restless, sad, and tearful more than is normal for me. Is there anything I should be doing?”
This call to our crisis line, one of hundreds pouring in over these last weeks, presents an adult caller’s reaction to the war news in the form of emotional turmoil, intense thoughts, some body reactions, and even some existential or spiritual strife. The caller is worried, agitated, sad, and confused.
First response: Jews being embattled and at war are not typical experiences for most of us, certainly not over the last many decades. For most of us, whatever we know about war is from history books, and for Jews, this was a horrific history. Thoughts reactive to the current war are hard enough but when they are complicated by images of the ghettos, the camps, the pogroms, and even earlier persecution, one’s mind will undergo increased torment. Trauma works this way. The brain stores the images and experiences of past trauma and with each emerging crisis, our reactions are compounded by all that we fear, all that we dread, all that we might have absorbed, all our past tragic encounters. This means that for our caller, the mind is quite literally ricocheting from worry to worry and image to image. There is fear, an increased sense of vigilance outside, apprehension about the future, and confusion about what this might mean in their efforts to make sense of the Divine plan. They are feeling psychological turbulence at every level.
It is important and relieving to know that the range of reactions described by the caller are common, classified as normal reactions to circumstances that are abjectly not normal for most of us. The majority of people undergo reactions that are adaptive and are not indications of severe disturbance or mental disorder. Knowing this can help anchor a person from drifting away into greater terror and uncertainty; it is normal to react to bad news within our thoughts, our emotions, our physical sensations, with changes in our behavior and yes, at times in our spiritual outlook.
We commend a caller undergoing distress of these sorts for having the caring, the sensitivity, and the compassion for the soldiers and their families and for Jews everywhere. Caring for others further anchors a person to their sense of connection to the entire Jewish nation. Their compassion means that in addition to worrying about themselves, they are mindful and even emotional about how other Jews are coping and adjusting. Those are healthy feelings, despite the subjective angst which is generated. Healthy people care. People who are insensitive tend to be less well balanced.
This caller is self-aware, mindful enough to know that they do not feel able to handle this alone and therefore they are placing the crisis line call.
Self-awareness of distress is the first key in being able to manage those reactions. Awareness that one needs support and guidance places that key in the door and begins to open the lock.
Turning to a caring friend, spouse, parent, or mentor and expressing your range of reactions opens the door for ultimate grounding and coping.
Your response: In providing support to those who turn to you with their sadness, or fear, or worry, or even anger about world events, give them a receptive ear and a caring tone. When expressing distress, people feel better knowing that someone listens, not that someone is telling them what to do.
We listen, we validate their distress without judgement or criticism, without distracting them with platitudes or advice, and without aiming to talk them out of their reactions. Most adults and children feel some relief when they can speak about their feelings and thoughts without interruption. Most close up when bombarded by many questions. You keep the natural flow of their disclosure through empathic words, calm gestures, and prompts that they continue to give a voice to what troubles them. You do not respond by interrogating them.
Once a person knows that you listen and hear them, they will be more receptive to your encouraging words and may be more open to problem solving together with you in finding ways to cope, ways to lower their tension, ways to soothe and calm themselves.
Breathing helps. Exercise is a healthy diversion. Ample rest and stable nutrition soothe. Returning to one’s prior routine and schedule are grounding and stabilizing.
When the questions posed by a person in distress are complicated, be careful. Do not rush to give a quick response. Do not jump to explain to someone why Hashem is doing this or “why” anything at all! Deep spiritual struggles must be respected and will take time and contemplation, or maturing, before one discovers any personal meaning, or meaningful perspective. Turning to a mentor figure or trusted resource may be a better avenue for spiritual doubts than will any attempt to have a casual conversation about profound confusion.
This is a challenging and frightening time for the world. Jews are bonding together and are showing affection, support, and unity with and for one another. Drawing closer to our families and reaching forth to our fellow Jews at this time is actually an expression of our faith that Hashem will take His nation through this. We turn to Him with hope and prayer.
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is the director of Chai Lifeline Crisis and Trauma Services. For Israel crisis resources and support, visit chailifeline.org/israel or call 855-3-CRISIS.
