DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Forgiveness is a concept we all have to grapple with at some point in our lives. In fact, it may come up quite often depending on circumstances. Why exactly is forgiveness? Is it necessary to move forward in life? How does one go about it? There are so many questions to be considered in this regard. Many books deal with this topic, as do many TED talks and online articles that help us confront this challenging topic that so often collides in our lives.
Hopefully, most of us would agree that forgiveness is meant to help the person who was wronged more than the perpetrator who was responsible for the hurt. Sometimes the individual who has been struggling for years over a major or minor grievance may no longer have anything to do with the individual who caused them the pain…and the responsible party has no idea that there was someone out there who was still thinking about them in a distressing way. As the saying goes, the offending party is living rent free in someone’s head, with no knowledge of doing so.
My purpose today is not to delve into how to forgive in general. I do believe forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. And this is a subject everyone can pursue independently if you need closure about a matter. However, in terms of couples therapy, forgiveness takes on a whole new meaning. Though you may decide to never forgive your ninth-grade teacher who shamed you repeatedly in front of the whole class or you may decide to hold onto a grudge against your dead great-aunt who always remarked about your weight, while I don’t encourage you to allow these memories to live on in your heart, you aren’t going to be bumping into either of them anytime soon.
When it comes to forgiving one’s spouse, there are major considerations to take into account. A lack of forgiveness festers over time until it becomes the background music of a marriage, always coloring attitudes in a negative way. Sometimes it seems certain spouses keep a score card that they carry around with them listing every offense their husband or wife ever committed, constantly adding to the list. Often to the point where I might hear someone say something like, “Well, you know, back in 2004, he did such and such…” Oh, my! And then the inquisition begins.
Stan and Amy are the perfect example of a marriage where one of them was simply not willing to let go of a past grievance. After a while, it became too overwhelming, despite all the positive features of their relationship. It was time for a major retuning.
He Said
Stan, 52 years old and charming as can be, came in ready to tell all. With a big smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes, he began to confess. “Who would have thought that someone as beautiful, smart, and successful as Amy would have ever looked at me. I mean, I know I’m a nice guy, and people tell me I have a good sense of humor, but I still haven’t gotten over how blessed I feel that I wound up marrying someone as amazing as Amy. She could have married anyone, yet she chose me.
“We’ve been married for 26 years, and all this time I’ve been trying to prove my worth to Amy. Sometimes, I feel like a second-class citizen, to be honest. And maybe I am. But my goal has always been to make her happy and never disappoint her. I think I’ve done a pretty good job in most areas. She’s my queen and I feel honored to serve her.
“Anyway, time for my true confession. Around twelve years ago, my business was going through some hard times. Amy has a great job and receives a steady salary. My income varies greatly from year to year. The way we set up our finances is that I’m expected to pay most of the bills while Amy spends some of her money on the children and frankly, also on herself. I’m always thrilled to see her come home with a new piece of jewelry or something extravagant. She works hard and deserves it. What she does with the rest of her money is not my business.
“Nevertheless, finances were getting tighter and tighter for me, and I didn’t know where to turn to keep up. Our bills were beginning to pile up and I didn’t want Amy to have to worry about my business. I was feeling desperate and unfortunately, afraid to share with Amy how frantic I was becoming. I knew she could easily give me or even lend me some money to hold me over until my business improved, but honestly, I was afraid to ask. As it is, I felt she had settled in some ways by marrying me. How could I additionally let her know that I was having difficulty providing for her?
“I did something terrible. It was rash, devious, and unforgiveable. I took out a home equity loan and forged Amy’s signature. I still wonder how I let this happen, but I left a paper trail lying around and Amy discovered my betrayal. As I’m saying it even now, twelve years later, I’m filled with shame and remorse. I have apologized more times than I can remember. Amy has never forgiven me and I know it’s something she thinks about often and holds over me. As if I didn’t feel enough pressure from the start to be the best husband any woman could possibly have. After that offense, I often feel like I’m hanging by a thread in terms of feeling secure about Amy’s love and commitment to me. She still brings it up, as if it happened yesterday. I realize I did something terrible, and I’ve tried to assure Amy countless times that nothing like that will ever happen again. Yet, she still brings it up.
“For a long time, I suffered tremendously from all the guilt. And felt I deserved to suffer. But how long do I have to go on feeling this way? Isn’t there a statute of limitations? Shouldn’t Amy be able to finally put it behind us and move on?”
Clearly, Stan was talked out. We turned to Amy to hear what she had to say.
She Said
Amy needed no prompting. She was as free with her words as Stan had been and she jumped right into her story. “First off, I want to make sure you understand that Stan and I have a wonderful marriage. I love him dearly and I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m his queen and he just serves me. We laugh a lot together, have tons in common, enjoy many of the same things, and I’ve never in my life met a nicer person than Stan, and that’s something I don’t take for granted and am always grateful for. I’m proud to call him my husband. Everyone loves Stan, and so do I.
Honestly, it’s hard to hear the way Stan sees himself in this marriage. I need to take some time to think about exactly why he feels that way. I can’t honestly say though that I don’t have a lot more confidence than Stan. I’ve always been popular and good at whatever I put my mind to. Things naturally came easy to me. I’m a very hard worker and a great planner. No one ever handed me anything and thankfully I’m successful at whatever I put my mind to.
I think it’s important to tell you that it’s always been me who moved our lifestyle forward. Stan thinks small and I think big. I make things happen. Stan never gets in my way and supports all of my ideas, even if he doesn’t necessarily agree at the beginning, but I can assure you that he enjoys the benefits of my accomplishments. So yes, I guess you can say that I’ve been the overachiever in our marriage.
As far as the forgery, I was devastated. To be honest, I did consider divorcing Stan for a short period of time. I felt so shocked and betrayed. And yes, I still haven’t gotten over it. Whenever I’m annoyed at Stan for some reason, I think back to that moment when I made the discovery, and I find myself furious, as if it just happened. I’m not sure something that terrible should be forgiven. He did an awful thing.
My Thoughts
Interestingly enough, as I got to know Stan and Amy better, I was able to see the ways in which they had a lovely marriage. But there were critical areas in the relationship that were broken and required fixing through deep work and effort. There was a disparity in the way each one saw him or herself, and the roles in their marriage. They both needed to understand that mutual respect was a necessity in order to move forward in a healthier way, and they also needed to discover what constituted true value in an individual. It should never be about who is better looking, smarter, or more accomplished; frankly, it’s about who is kinder.
We spent a great deal of time getting to the bottom of why Stan was unable to ask Amy for help during his years of financial struggle. Could Amy have created a safer atmosphere between the two of them that might have allowed Stan to turn to her with confidence that she had his back? Even more important, did she have his back?
Finally, we focused on forgiveness. It was clear that Amy had a great deal of anger inside of her. Where did all this anger come from originally? And more important, what would it take for Amy to let go of those festering emotions that she carried inside of her from childhood. Lots of work for both Stan and Amy to do—individually and jointly. But neither one was a quitter and their determination to grow and succeed with forgiveness and support, led to a truly fantastic marriage.
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.