Question
In 2008, when I was in 7th grade, one of my classmates was the son of ba’alei teshuvah, and at his mesibas bar mitzvah, his grandparents (who were fiercely anti-religious Radical Marxists), threw a massive tantrum over the separate dancing for men and women. Of all the bar mitzvah parties I attended, this one stuck out as the most contentious, and I remember that incident as if it happened yesterday. It also occurred exactly one week before my bar mitzvah.
A few days ago, my mother’s friend, a well-known shadchan, called me and asked if I would be interested in dating a girl whom she knew well, who happened to be the twin sister of this former classmate. After reviewing the résumé, I explained that I didn’t think it would be shayach because I was worried that, should I marry her, the secular grandparents would ruin the chasunah by creating the same drama they did at her brother’s bar mitzvah. The shadchan then explained that those grandparents are not alive anymore, thus rendering my concerns obsolete. I called my rosh yeshiva asking for his advice. He agreed with the shadchan and pleaded with me to try a first date if she is interested in me. Nevertheless, I am not 100% convinced. How would you respond to this?
Response
In theory, the shadchan is right. She is saying that whatever scene the grandparents caused at their grandson’s bar mitzvah is now irrelevant to the future wedding of their grandchild. Logically, it makes total sense, since unfortunately they are no longer alive today. Based on that fact alone is probably why your rosh yeshiva agreed with the shadchan. In other words, the grandparents’ behavior towards religious customs are a non-issue at this point.
Nevertheless, that you took the time to write to me tells me there is more going on. You are sharing very little in your letter, which I understand to mean you wish to remain anonymous. Since I don’t have the privilege of inquiring about more details from you, I’ll be grabbing at whatever straws I can to assist you, as it seems you are quite distressed about this.
It sounds like there are other relatives in her family that you are aware of and who are secular, and you are being triggered by your memories of that bar mitzvah. It could be that you were so traumatized by what you witnessed at your friend’s simcha that the thought of secular relatives at your own wedding is causing you to panic. It also appears that you want to go out with this young lady, and that’s why you are so torn, yet you want to make peace with it one way or another.
What I find disturbing about your story regarding your friend’s bar mitzvah is not that his grandparents were secular or fiercely anti-religious, but their behavior. People with such perspectives are everywhere and when there is a simcha in the family of their newly-religious children, typically they act respectful when attending such large gatherings. The worst scenario, which is thankfully rare, is that they refuse to show up altogether. Throwing a massive “tantrum” in a public setting and ruining a simcha is not about a difference of opinion; it is a symptom of mental instability. To be so unbothered and to feel so vindicated about making a scene and hurting not just their own child (who put time, money, and energy into planning the simcha), but their precious grandchild, ruining their precious milestone, is beyond the pale. That is the problem I have with this story. And I think it is your legitimate concern, though you have not expressed it, that other people in the family might behave that way. You’re probably thinking: Who else in the family behaves this way? Is this an inherited character trait in the family? The answer is there is no way to know.
The ba’al teshuvah movement has grown by leaps and bounds, thanks in part to the generous benefactors of the various kiruv organizations. It is beautiful to watch formerly secular Jews taking on Torah and mitzvos so diligently, yet people are unaware about what goes on behind the scenes in those families. Many years ago, I wrote about a couple in the Dating Forum where the young lady was dating a ba’al teshuvah. According to what he disclosed to her on their dates, his mother was on board with his decision to become frum, and in fact, started lighting candles and kept her kitchen kosher so that he could feel comfortable eating there. His father, on the other hand, was not too keen about his son’s new-found religiosity.
As the couple was very serious about each other, the young man brought her to meet his parents. The meeting went well, until the couple got ready to leave his parents’ home. The young man wore his tzitzis out, and his father mocked him by saying, “You have some strings hanging out of your pants.” The young man tried to ignore him, but his father kept repeating the same line in addition to a few more unpleasant references to his tzitzis. It was clear to the young lady that there was much contention between him and his father regarding customs and religiosity.
The young lady’s concern about what she had witnessed was if she married the guy and they had a son, would he make similar demeaning comments to him regarding his tzitzis? Moreover, she was terrified at the prospect of having to alienate her child from his grandfather in order to protect his mind from such corrosive influences. In the end, she broke up with the guy but never told him the real reason so as not to influence his kibud av toward his father.
Being intimately acquainted with both parties, I did follow their lives, and not to give too many details, the young man married someone else, and from what I heard, there were issues between the grandchildren and their non-religious grandfather, and especially the daughter-in-law.
Please understand that I am in no way discouraging a frum-from-birth person from marrying a ba’al teshuvah. On the contrary, a ba’al teshuvah is on a madreigah that few frum-from-birth people can ever aspire to. And it’s a great zechus to marry such an individual.
When the parents respect the child’s decision to become frum and raise their children frum, there is no problem for all involved. However, when there is open disrespect toward this adopted lifestyle, that changes the picture entirely.
I mentioned earlier that it sounds like you are interested in dating the young lady, and that’s why you wrote to me in the first place. Here is what I recommend. In this circumstance, it appears that the parents of the young lady are ba’alei teshuvah and I assume they have remained solidly frum. Do they have any siblings or close relatives who are anti-religious? See what you can find out about that. More importantly, however, and what gives rise to my major concern are the public histrionics on the part of the grandparents at their grandson’s bar mitzvah. What was their mental status? Is it possible that they were always making scenes at public venues irrespective of the separate dancing? In other words, is it possible they were always finding excuses to cause trouble? Does anyone else in her family have this propensity? How about the young lady? Have you done any research on her or did you reject her specifically because of the incident that happened, which had nothing to do with her?
You can never know who Hashem intended to be your bashert, and although Hashem is the One that is mezaveig zivugim, through a person’s bechirah he or she can dismiss their zivug rishon. If you need examples of singles who have remained unmarried for longer than anyone would expect, you will find that many have hastily said no to a suggestion for something frivolous or insignificant to the person’s ability to have a successful marriage. I implore you to listen to your shadchan and rosh yeshiva, while bearing all the aspects and information in the back of your mind. Be fair in your assessment of her and the members of her family, and only then should you determine if a date with her should take place. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.