With the price of gas being what it is these days, I sometimes think it might be a good idea to get a motorcycle. You know—for short trips and commutes where it’s just me going somewhere, without the whole family. My wife can use it too, but not while wearing a sheitel, I guess. Like not to weddings. I would pay less for gas, and it has to be cheaper to buy than a hybrid, right? Because it holds fewer people! And you’re not paying for unnecessary things like a roof or windows.
I also have to say that if I had a motorcycle, finding parking would be amazing. I definitely wouldn’t have to do the parallel-parking thing where I go back and forth and back and forth, and then I have to decide if my left side is out further than the car in front of me.
Anyway, I’ve thought about this numerous times over the years. But I can’t do it.
First of all, I have no idea how to park a motorcycle when I get to a destination. What happens if I have to go in somewhere? What prevents people from stealing my bike? I never see motorcycles tied to a bike rack. With a car, they have to break into it in a parking lot, which draws attention. But with a bike, can’t they just load it onto the back of a pickup truck and figure it out later?
But even if I’m parking it in places where no one would steal it—if I’m going to bring it to the mesivta where I teach, for example—where am I going to park it that the bachurim aren’t going to touch it? Do I have to stand outside near it during recess, pretending that I have to keep wiping it with rags so it isn’t awkward? Also, how do I protect it from the weather while it’s sitting out there? Do I have to buy like a grill cover? How do I carry that around? Wait. How do I drive when it’s raining? Do I have to hold an umbrella?
Maybe I can park it in my classroom. I can walk it in every day and park it there under my supervision. I’m not sure what the hanhallah would say. I’m sure they’d be OK with it, right? But the students would still touch it. During class. And ask about it. And one kid in every single period would have to sit on it during class while I’m teaching and say, “What? I concentrate better on a motorcycle. Ask anybody!”
But should I even bring it to yeshiva? These are teenagers we’re talking about here. If I do anything that is different from what most people do, my students would judge me for it. I’d be the teacher who is trying too hard to be cool. “So hard that he has a motorcycle.” Even though that is entirely not my intention. I don’t need that to be my thing.
And it would. Because no one else in our circles really has a motorcycle. Except that every shul has this one guy who shows up to Minchah/Ma’ariv during the week on a motorcycle, and the kids spend the entire davening gathered around it in the parking lot and thinking about how cool this guy is.
So kids would think I was cool, teenagers would think I was trying too hard to be cool, and adults would think it’s a midlife crisis, which it is not. I just want to save on gas. Is that so hard? It’s an economic crisis.
It doesn’t help that so many people have motorcycles for the wrong reasons. For example, one thing that people who own motorcycles seem to like doing is to just go on drives, just to be out on their motorcycle—no luggage, no groceries, no destination—they drive around just to enjoy having a motorcycle. That’s not saving gas! The whole point is to save on gas!
Wait, is a midlife crisis where you try something new that is not like anything you’ve ever tried before and you don’t care what people think? Because I clearly care what people think. I need to marry off my kids, and it will be like, “Her father has a motorcycle.”
“To save on gas!” I would yell. But they wouldn’t hear me, because motorcycles are loud.
Point is, I care so much about what people think that I probably won’t do what I think might be a good idea because of what people—who are not helping me pay for gas—might think.
And also about what my wife would think. Who does help me pay for gas. My wife would not allow this. “For safety reasons!” she’d say. Why is it less safe? I have no intention of being one of those guys who weaves through traffic. I mean, I’ve ridden a bicycle. This is just a bicycle! That goes at the speed of a car!
Sure, my wife also keeps telling me other reasons.
For example, she points out, where am I going to drive this on a regular basis that I don’t need room for luggage? I mean, I can get one with a tiny trunk, but most of that will be taken up by my grill cover. Do I bring a backpack? How am I going to do a Costco run? I suppose I can go to the bank … Or I can go to the pharmacy, pick up some medications … But other than that, the only place I can really go is the mesivta, I guess. Though I do bring plenty of things to mesivta. I’m not sure how to get all those papers there on the back of a motorcycle.
Another thing my wife felt the need to point out was that especially on long drives, you can’t shift position. It’s not like a car where you can adjust the seats, move your legs… You have this one position that you have to sit in. And that’s it. In fact, maybe the reason bikers weave through traffic isn’t to cheat the system, but because they’re uncomfortable. They want to get to their destination already so they can get up and walk around like they just got off a horse.
Point is, when you’re on a motorcycle, you can’t do simple things while you’re driving that you normally don’t even think about, like drink coffee or blow your nose. These guys are weaving through traffic in a rush because they’re dying to get to their destination so they can dig one of the folded-up tissues out of their tough-guy leather jacket and take off their helmet so they can blow their nose.
There is also no protection from the elements, she says. And there’s no four-wheel drive. Unless you have two bikes. Though I don’t even think there’s two-wheel drive. How am I going to get through snow?
“I don’t know. Carry it? I don’t have four-wheel drive now.”
And it’s not just the weather elements. As my wife pointed out, there are no seatbelts, no airbags, no barrier at all between you and the other cars. You can be taken out by a rear-view mirror. For goodness sake, you have to wear this massive helmet just so you don’t get bugs in your teeth. And whatever protection you lose due to the lack of doors and windows, you have to make up for in clothing.
And then there’s the noise. Because you know how you can hear a motorcycle coming from ten minutes away? That noise is coming from vibrations in the seat. It annoys the driver more than it annoys you. That noise does not go away. The helmet is keeping in the migraine.
The perception is that bikers are tough, because of the jackets and the noise, and also you always see these motorcycle gangs, where there are always like a bunch of bikers traveling together, and everyone’s scared of them. But maybe the whole point of these “gangs” is that in order to function on a motorcycle, you need to travel as a group. You need others around so you can say, “I need to step into this pharmacy to get some Excedrin for my migraine; can you please watch my bike so scarier people don’t steal it?” You’re scared of the group, but they’re a group because they’re scared to be alone.
I mean, a lot of them even have beards. How could they be bad people?
So if I got a bike, I’d have to get bikes for my whole family, and we’d have to go around together. And then what would be the point? I don’t think buying that many bikes would still be cheaper than buying a car. And we still have no luggage space. And meanwhile, if I were going somewhere without my family, I feel like it would be safer in a car. I’d have to join a gang just to ensure my safety. And make my wife happy. And meanwhile, all I wanted here was to save money on gas. Is that so bad? No one would believe me.
“Her father’s in a gang.”
“They’re watching my tallis and tefillin!”
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of seven books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com. Read more of Mordechai Schmutter’s articles at 5TJT.com.
