Question
We need to quash this mentality that all “Get Refusers” are the same and that all women are completely blameless. Let me say that I have proof of what I’m saying and I don’t make up lies. Here is my story.
I had no problem giving the get when my wife and I separated. I even called the rabbi beforehand. However, for the last few months of our marriage, I was getting a letter a week from her lawyer regarding my “behavior.” The games were starting already. My ex has a rich sister in Israel who was not only paying for the divorce, but was actually running it. I could not breathe in my own home because every move was monitored. When we separated, I got a call about the get and said [I would not deliver it] until she stops playing games because they were getting worse and worse.
We separated in June of 2018 and over the summer, we mutually agreed on a custody plan. I didn’t want my kids to suffer, so I asked her to please put the custody arrangement behind us. I asked her to sign the agreement and she will have her get. She refused, saying she would not sign it until she received the money and assets she wanted. She said if not, she would sue me for everything. For a year we went through different custody plans, all of which she refused to sign.
She sent me a summons for the get and I agreed to go to beis din to resolve the matter, but again, she refused.
I begged everyone for help. I begged the rabbis, I called organizations, anyone who could possibly help us. Nothing. I sat and watched my kids suffer while she blindly pursued her agenda. After a year, the judge appointed an expert to create a custody arrangement. It came back 50/50 and I would give her the get. Again, she refused. She opted for a trial. But I couldn’t do this to my kids, so I signed whatever she wanted, while mentioning that she would not receive her get until everything was arranged as it should be. I told this to the beis din and the rabbis at the time.
Afterwards, she took me to court for the finances and wouldn’t settle unless we had a beis din agreement concerning the get. The beis din said they were willing to send me a second summons. I asked them how they could send a second summons since the judge had issued his final ruling and unless you pay damages, you can’t go back to beis din.
The reply I received was that she never dropped the charges. I found out it was a total lie, but it was too late. I made the agreement. I tried to get out of it, but the judge forced me to sign the arbitration. In November of 2021, I went to beis din with my toen, but due to a technicality, they claimed I never appeared so they couldn’t rule on the get. There was another hearing in July of 2022 which I did not attend since I was convinced that the whole beis din process was corrupt. They issued a seruv against me, claiming that I was summoned multiple times, which was not true. They claim I refused to respond to the summonses, but that is also not true. I responded to both of them. Finally, in September of 2022, the local rabbi came to talk to me about the seruv. When I explained that it was all lies, he said he didn’t care and I had to give her the get or I would not be allowed back into shul.
At this point, an organization got involved. I emailed the head of the organization multiple times with no response. I showed them it was all lies. They didn’t care and said I must give the get or they will post me online as a “get refuser.” After the divorce was finalized, my ex-wife fought custody again just to hurt me. I ended up getting full custody of my oldest because she could not handle him. The evaluator recommended a re-evaluation in three months since the other kids complained about my ex-wife as well, but she refused to do a follow-up because she knew she would lose more custody.
Everyone involved knows that the custody deal is not the best for my kids, yet no one talks to my ex-wife about changing it. Instead, I’m being blamed for my kids’ suffering by people who don’t know them at all. All the rabbis I asked for help, and who know the seruv is a lie either did nothing to help me or supported it. The organizations tried to get my parents involved even though Rav Elyashiv, zt’l, said it is completely assur to do anything to the parents. They posted on Facebook that I was contesting the validity of the seruv, but their “experts” looked into it and in their opinion, it was valid.
When I contacted the head of the organization for an explanation about this, he never replied. They even took out ads in the local paper denouncing me in public. The local askanim sent out flyers about me to the whole county and another askan harassed my father and almost got into a fight with him.
So now they want me to give the get of my own free will? Who’s the narcissist here? I have been defamed, lied about, excommunicated, harassed, etc. All I’m asking is that before people categorize all “Get Refusers” as the same, look into each story individually. I’m not the only “Get Refuser” who has gone through this, and no one speaks out about the woman. I was raised to be honest. These lies will get them nowhere.
Response
Your saga is soul-crushing and my heart breaks for you. As you are aware, I am not a halachic authority and therefore cannot comment on the beis din process. I can only surmise that the reason you wrote to me is to raise awareness that not all “Get Refusers” are worthy of that label. Before people dismiss a shidduch idea based on unsavory rumors about the person, they should do their due diligence and find out the facts.
You talk about corruption in the system; however, the only corruption I can respond to you about is when it concerns the shidduch system. Regarding that, if you read this column regularly, you must know that I’m not shy about pointing out all the problems in the shidduch system. In your case, I have no doubt that with your history, your name has been besmirched. Sadly, the frum world, particularly when it comes to shidduchim, is not very forgiving about such matters and most people do whatever they are told to do.
You do not mention the circumstances that led to your divorce, and I wonder if that also impacts your ability to move forward in life. I will share a story about a case I had a few years ago. A woman reached out to me about a man she knew socially who had contacted her about possibly dating. She was concerned because he was formerly labeled a “Get Refuser,” and he made similar comments about treatment from rabbanim, the beis din, and organizations. I’m normally very big on sticking up for the underprivileged and downtrodden, so I encouraged her to pursue the relationship. Nevertheless, I told her that regardless of how long she had known the man and how nicely he behaved, she still had to investigate his background before making a commitment. It came out that this man had been accused of spousal abuse. Naturally, the man denied it and even accused his ex-wife of abusing him. She did not come to me for advice and naïvely believed everything he told her. She ended up having a serious relationship with him which unfortunately did not end well for her.
I want you to understand that in no way, shape, or form am I suggesting that you are anything like the man in the case I cited. But I do take allegations of abuse very seriously, which is why I asked if you have ever been accused of such. If you are innocent, then you have every right to go public with your story for your own sake as well as for anyone else suffering a similar fate. Please speak to an attorney concerning your right to speak your truth. The other reason why I brought up the example is to show you there are always people who will be willing to give someone a chance despite any negative information they hear.
If you feel emotionally ready to move on with your life, I don’t recommend utilizing the services of a shadchan who cannot vouch for you because it will likely backfire on them and will hurt your chances of finding someone. Your best bet is to meet someone on your own. Join singles events, dating apps, Shabbos meals, suggestions from friends or family members, etc.
Before I conclude, I want to reiterate how sorry I am for the harrowing experiences you endured. I truly hope you will derive much nachas from your children, and that your relationship with them remains close. Children should never be used as pawns, and no one has the right to deny their child a relationship with their other parent. Parental alienation is extremely detrimental and in the worst cases, lo aleynu, can result in tragic consequences.
In response to your statement “Before people categorize all ‘Get Refusers’ as the same, look into each story individually. I’m not the only ‘Get Refuser’ who has gone through this, and no one speaks out about the woman.” I agree with you, and in fact that was the other reason why I shared the above story. Whether it involves get refusal or other rumors concerning people in shidduchim, I urge all sides to not go solely by what they see, read, or hear, but to conduct their own investigation. Not only are they being unfair to the person who is being disparaged, but they could also be denying themselves the chance of meeting a potentially good spouse and a future full of happiness. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
