Happiness in the Face of Adversity
Part 4 of 5: Focus on Your Share
“Always thank G-d for all the good that you have (and for the bad that you don’t have). Nothing is a given. Appreciate it all.” — My mother’s letter
In many ways, my mother was given a challenging share in life. However, she truly exemplified the middah of being samei’ach b’chelkah, happy with her share. How do I know that my mother was truly happy with her portion? For starters, it was obvious from seeing her, from interacting with her, and from experiencing her joy and optimism. She once wrote me a heartfelt letter, expressing her joy in both me and the time we spent learning Torah together. In this letter, she wrote:
“Elie, I know you worry about me. I’m sorry for causing you grief. But don’t you see, I won the lottery. Nobody has everything they want and need, but I have what I want and need the most—a family who appreciates chochmas haTorah and lives with that in mind.”
For most of us, the dream of “winning the lottery” in life wouldn’t include facing a multitude of medical challenges. However, despite her illnesses, my mother genuinely felt that she had won the lottery. This raises some profound questions: How did she maintain her joyful attitude despite her struggles? How did she rise above her pain to always smile and exude true happiness? More importantly, was her happiness merely her inborn disposition—you either have it or you don’t—or can we learn from her how we can embody this middahor, at the very least, employ it in our own small ways?
Painfully, she can’t answer any of these questions. What furthers the pain is the fact that we never asked them when she was alive. We simply didn’t realize she was leaving us so soon; we naively assumed we’d be able to ask her later. But now it’s later. And now it’s too late. To understand how my mother embodied such profound happiness in her share, let’s turn to the timeless wisdom of our Torah sages, specifically to the Mishnah in Avos.
The Mishnah in Avos 4:1 says: “Who is a rich person? One who is happy with his portion.” While we’re all familiar with this Mishnah, closer scrutiny reveals some difficulties. First, is this truly an accurate definition of wealth? Isn’t a rich person someone who possesses a lot of money? Being happy with your portion sounds more like the way that poor people would describe being rich. More seriously, why does the Mishnah define the admirable middah of being happy with one’s portion as the essence of wealth? Furthermore, how does one go about becoming happy with his portion? It doesn’t seem like the Mishnah provides any insight to help us implement this important message.
To answer these questions, we must recognize the important distinction between two frameworks of viewing the world: the relative and the absolute. Allow me to explain. A relative perspective measures things in comparison with one another. For example, children often ask questions like, “Who is smarter?” or “Whom do you like better?” These questions indicate that children generally measure things by comparison with one another. A child would rather have two candies when his sibling has one, than ninety-nine candies when his sibling has a hundred. A child values what he has relative to his sibling more than he appreciates what he has in absolute terms.
While we’re no longer children, it’s not so easy to grow out of the relative perspective. For example, we naturally measure our talents, our house, and our sense of humor from a relative perspective—how good we are compared to those around us. The problem is that if we always measure ourselves relative to others, we’ll have a hard time being happy with our own share. Even if we have a good life with everything we need, there will always be someone who has more than us—and that comparison can make us feel inadequate.
As we mature, it behooves us to step out of this relativistic perspective and embrace an absolute perspective. For example, we should love all our children in their own way—we don’t need to compare them or rank them. Similarly, we should be able to view our share from our own perspective, based upon our unique talents, abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. We don’t need to keep up with the Joneses. We can only strive to be the best version of ourselves, irrespective of where we rank relative to others.
If we can break away from a relative assessment of our share and make an absolute assessment instead, we can look at all the features of our lives that can make us happy. If so, we will usually realize that there is so much to be happy about, so much to make us rejoice in our portion. We can appreciate our house, even though it’s not as big as our neighbor’s. We can enjoy our job, even though it seems less exciting and lucrative than our best friend’s. We can appreciate what we do have without obsessing about what we don’t. If we can focus on the positive aspects of our life, we can truly be happy with our G-d-given share.
While shifting our focus from the relative to the absolute may help us be happier, one may question the accuracy of this perspective. After all, don’t we live in a relative world amongst other people? Isn’t our share affected by the shares of others? I think the answer is that all that ultimately matters is our objective relationship with Hashem, not where we rank in comparison to others. If you think about it, the only thing that’s truly real is our absolute state of existence before Hashem. Our relative ranking is just in our head, the result of an artificial comparison between us and the people we happen to encounter. The relative measuring rod enslaves us to our social sphere and its artificial judgments. On the other hand, the absolute measuring rod frees us to pursue what is actually good for us, allows us to be happy, and ultimately directs us to the service of Hashem.
We can now begin to appreciate why the Mishnah uses the middah of being samei’ach b’chelko to define a wealthy person. Let’s first consider what makes a person rich. Is it a certain amount of money? If so, how much? Is it having more money than others? If so, which others? There will always be those who have less than you and those who have more. Are you rich because of those with less, or poor because of those with more? Given that we always fall somewhere on the spectrum of wealth, how can we ever truly call ourselves rich?
The only possible answer is that wealth isn’t based upon an arbitrary amount of money or a certain level within the relative ranking system of society; rather, it’s all about an internal attitude of being samei’achb’chelko. After all, what’s the point of being rich? Isn’t it to give us an internal feeling of contentment, of having our needs taken care of? For instance, if we have massive wealth but still feel unhappy and desirous of more, can we truly say we’re rich? On the other hand, if we have very little money, but truly feel satisfied and happy with our portions, then we lack nothing; we’re truly rich. As my mother expressed it, we can feel like we’ve “won the lottery.”
The Mishnah shows us that being rich is an elusive goal that can never be obtained from an endless pursuit of external acquisitions. Instead, the Mishnah defines wealth as “happiness in one’s portion” to guide us on how to become rich. It directs us towards a path centered on deep soul-searching and personal growth, a path that is focused on the absolute goodness of our portion instead of on its relative goodness in comparison with that of others.
Though I never got to ask my mother how she was so happy despite her health struggles, I am beginning to see the answer. By studying her life, her letter, and the wise words of our Sages, I think I’m getting the point. She recognized that a major impediment to happiness is the comparison of our shares to those of others. When we sense that we have less than someone else, we feel bad about ourselves. If we can recognize that our shares truly have nothing to do with anyone else’s, we can focus on the good in our lives instead of getting distracted by the good in other people’s lives.
Though my mother faced many challenges, she also had many great parts of her life. While the challenges were difficult to deal with, she didn’t dwell on them or wonder why they happened to her and not to others. When I once asked her about her numerous illnesses, she quipped with a smile, “You know, I never got cancer.” She realized that while her share had its own unique challenges, others did as well. But her share was the one she was given, the one she gracefully accepted, and the one for which she had great appreciation.
My mother expressed this attitude so beautifully when she said, “Always thank G-d for all the good that you have (and for the bad that you don’t have). Nothing is a given. Appreciate it all.” Her point was that in each of our lives, we experience a lot of good and are spared from a lot of bad. By letting go of unjustified expectations and embracing the truth that “nothing is a given,” we, too, can “appreciate it all” and rejoice in our G-d-given portion—just as she did.
Here are some thoughts that can help you incorporate the lessons gleaned from my mother’s letter and the Torah’s eternal messages into your own life.
A major impediment to happiness: Comparing your share to that of others.
Why this causes unhappiness: There will always be people who have good things that you don’t, or who don’t have bad things that you do. Comparing yourself to them can distract you from the good in your own life and cause you great distress.
How this can be avoided: Train yourself to view your share in absolute terms, rather than comparing it to others’ shares in a relative sense.
Practical steps toward not comparing your share with others:
• Remind yourself that comparing yourself to others is purely in your own head. If you have something good or bad in your life, it doesn’t actually affect you if others have more or less. In truth, your portion has nothing to do with those of others.
• Use these thoughts to slowly train yourself to stop looking at your portion relative to others, but instead focus on your G-d-given portion in absolute terms.
• With a focus on your own share, consider the words of my mother: “Always thank G-d for all the good that you have (and for the bad that you don’t have). Nothing is a given. Appreciate it all.”
Why this helps you be happy: There is much to be happy about in your life if only you stop comparing yourself to others.
My mother’s life demonstrated that true happiness comes from a mindset deeply rooted in Torah values and principles. For a deeper analysis of Torah sources on happiness, or to explore more lessons from my mother about living a joyous Torah life, you can find Happiness in the Face of Adversity on Amazon, Mosaica Press, or at your local seforim store.
Rabbi Elie Feder PhD, a Rebbe at Yeshiva Bnei Torah and a math professor at Kingsborough Community College, is the author of Gematria Refigured (2022) and Happiness in the Face of Adversity (2024). He is also a cohost of the podcast “Physics to God” and the host of the podcast “Simply Deep.”
