He Said/She Said
DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
One of the major benefits of seeing a therapist is the opportunity it provides to have a safe place where one can share absolutely anything, because there is no judgment in a therapist’s office, and there is very little a person can share that the therapist has not already heard.
It’s not unusual for a new client to say to me: “I feel so embarrassed telling you this….” At which point, my response is usually something like, “There is very little you can tell me that will come as a surprise.” Knowing that, one’s shame-level hopefully reduces significantly, opening up the door for honest dialogue and growth.
In light of true disclosure, I must confess that once in a while I find myself facing an unusual situation for the first time, which can catch me off guard, requiring some innovative techniques.
When nineteen-year-old Paula called me for an appointment, aside from her name and phone number, she gave me no information regarding why she wanted to see me. Most times, potential clients who are calling to set up a first appointment will share a few details about what’s troubling them and ask me a few questions to enable them to feel that they are coming to the right place. But not Paula. She was quick and efficient, and we agreed on a day and time.
When Paula walked into my office, she appeared extremely mature and sophisticated. She exuded a confidence and determination that one rarely sees in someone so young. As I began to try to engage her, she made it very clear that she wasn’t there to talk about herself…well, not really. She was there to discuss her parents.
Basically, she was on a mission to trigger her parents to get their act together or get divorced. Either solution was fine with her, though she actually preferred for them to get divorced. Paula was so fed-up living in her parents’ toxic home, where they fought non-stop, that she was prepared to move out of the house and take her seventeen-year-old brother with her. She explained that she had been planning to escape for years, and had the money and contacts lined up and meant business.
“The reason I’m here today,” Paula continued, “is because my parents don’t seem to understand how painful it is for their children to listen to their constant fighting from the minute they wake up until the time they go to bed at night. I’ve been threatening to run away for years, but they don’t take my threats seriously. I need you, a third party, to help them understand that I’m serious.”
Yes, this was something new for me. I felt myself being drawn into a dysfunctional situation in all the wrong ways, and I was caught completely off guard. “How exactly am I supposed to mediate this?” I thought as I quickly brainstormed. To me it was obvious that her parents were somewhat clueless about the severity of their behavior, and the potential outcomes. Nonetheless, Paula seemed to truly mean business.
I asked her: “How exactly and I supposed to insert myself into this situation? Do your parents know you are here today discussing your plan?” “No,” she responded. “I speak as little as possible to them these days. My hope is that you can reach out to them and figure out a way to bring them into your office. I’m aware that what I’m asking for is unusual, but maybe they will respect you and listen to you as a professional.”
Psychotherapy is not an exact science. Sometimes we have to be limber and creative. Mind you, many therapists, justifiably, go strictly by the book 100% of the time and are not comfortable thinking outside the box. Different strokes for different folks. Some individuals are more comfortable with and seek out a structured type of therapist, while others, like Paula, are hoping to find someone who is willing to push the envelope for the sake of the greater good. This was Paula’s lucky day!
Paula and I talked a bit about what her vision was for moving forward with her plan. Basically, she was asking me if I was willing to call her mother and/or father and ask them to come in and talk so I could share with them the cold, hard truth. Paula even offered to pay for their session with her babysitting and camp money. She had the whole thing figured out.
Though the situation was definitely far from the norm, Paula’s sense of urgency and desperation touched my heart. I told her I would try my best to connect with one of her parents, but she had to understand that this could not be an ambush. I would simply tell them the honest truth and hope that they responded appropriately.
I was able to get through to Paula’s mother, Cindy. She was understandably confused at first, and surprised by my call, but somehow, I believe G-d put just the right words in my mouth, and I was able to convince her to schedule an appointment for herself and her husband. I must have really caught her off guard because, by the end of the call, we were all set up.
I knew I had to strike while the iron was hot, so I decided to jump over my usual line of questioning about their upbringing and general information and get right to business. Dan, however, beat me to the punch and began: “I have to admit, I never thought I’d find myself sitting in a therapist’s office. I almost feel like I’ve been summoned to the principal’s office. So, what is this all about?”
Cindy added, “As unusual as it is for me to agree with Dan, I feel exactly the same way. What are we doing here? I can’t even believe you got me to agree to come. This all feels surreal.”
Not mincing words, I got right to the point. “As strange as this may seem to the two of you, I must admit that this is an unusual situation for me as well. Basically, your daughter Paula made a passionate appeal to me to help the two of you understand that she has specific plans to leave your home along with her brother if things don’t drastically change.” Sometimes you have to just tell it like it is without any sugar-coating.
Judging from the reaction on their faces, I might have well said that dogs can fly. “Did Paula never express to you how unbearable she finds living in your home because of the immense amount of fighting and stress that permeates every room of your house?”
Dan took the lead and responded casually, “Well, of course Paula has made threats. She has always been a very dramatic young lady. Aren’s all teenagers? And who doesn’t argue with their spouse? My parents certainly fought all the time. And so do Cindy’s parents. What’s the big deal?”
I quickly realized this couple needed a serious reality check regarding what a normal relationship looked like and how damaging their behavior was for their children. Especially a smart young lady like Paula, who saw her parents’ behavior for what it was and was determined to break the cycle and create something much more normal with her life, no matter what it took.
I quickly understood that there was a great deal of denial going on in both Dan and Cindy’s minds and it would take herculean efforts to turn this situation around, whatever that might look like.
As I mentioned at the start, this was a very unusual situation. I had to be very creative and forceful in affecting some kind of positive change. It wasn’t easy, but I managed to set up a family session for Dan, Cindy, Paula, and her brother, which led to several more family sessions. The gloves were off and for the first time ever, the children expressed how awful it was to live in a house full of fighting and tension, and how determined they were to see some dramatic changes in their lives. After some initial denial by both parents, Dan and Cindy reassured their children that they did in fact love each other and would work on their relationship and try their hardest to create a healthier, happier environment for all.
And that’s when the long, arduous marriage therapy began. Thanks to that initial brave call from Paula, Cindy and Dan were able to turn their lives and their marriage around. It took a lot of time and effort to learn what a normal marriage looked like, but under all the bluster, Dan and Cindy were in fact lovely and loving individuals who really didn’t know better at first. Once they knew better, they did better. n