DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
For any of you who feel like you are living with someone who is in serious denial or you know someone who engages in such behavior, you have probably scratched your head repeatedly, trying to understand how a person can habitually discard the truth and literally argue against it. It’s an astonishing thing to witness and can also be crazymaking.
Even worse, very often when you are dealing with someone who is in denial, it seems that the more you try to point out to them what is real, the more they dig their heels in, trying not only to convince you why you are wrong, but also convincing themselves that they have the truth on their side. It’s hard to be a part of such a situation, and also impossible to understand why these individuals seem to be incapable of seeing the truth that is in front of their faces, and recognizing that they are in denial.
The reason for this is that it generally happens on a subconscious level. There is a psychological advantage to not allowing the truth to enter their conscious awareness. Again, on a subconscious level, their mind decides that it makes more sense to deny a reality rather than to recognize one that is too painful for them to live with. They want to believe that reality conforms to the way they want it to be rather than the way it actually is, which may be very painful for them.
Therefore, when a person has an emotional involvement with a certain outcome, and they feel threatened by the reality of the situation, they will shut off acceptance of the reality. This becomes a coping mechanism which has a protective quality to it, but it ultimately leads to chaos and unhealthy relationships.
I bring this up because Abe and Freeda were struggling with the aftereffects of some serious denial that had been permeating their marriage for quite some time, to the point that Abe felt he just couldn’t manage any longer and was desperate for some professional intervention.
He Said
“I’m desperate,” Abe began. “I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do anymore. I hope you can help us.” Abe needed to take a deep breath and slow it down a bit. “Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself,” I suggested. “Before you tell me what’s troubling you.”
“There really isn’t a whole lot of interesting stuff to tell you about myself.” Abe said. I’m a pretty regular guy and I don’t think there is anything too crazy about my background and family. I’m what you might call a nice, honest, middle-of-the-road sort of guy. I’ve always wanted to do what’s right, live an honest, above-board solid life. I never yearned to be the richest guy on the block, nor did I yearn to be a superstar in any particular area. But I know I’m a good guy, trying to always do the right thing. I work hard, I show up for what’s important, and I’m as dependable as they come.
“Freeda and I have been married for fourteen years. From the start, I was never the type of guy to tell her what to do or monitor her every move. Maybe my first mistake was believing that everyone was as trustworthy as I was. But I trusted Freeda and I still want to trust her, but that’s become impossible. I’ve never put Freeda on any kind of budget from the day we were married. She knew the amount of money that was coming in and knew what our expenses were. I always assumed that, like me, she wanted our finances to be handled responsibly. At the beginning, before we had our four children, things were fine. We lived in a neighborhood where most of the young couples had little. We were trying to save for a house and there was no competition in terms of the extravagant lifestyles people lived. There were many young couples who lived in our apartment building, making do with very little. And yes, we were happy in those years.
“As the years went by and our family grew, we were thankfully able to buy a house with some help from both of our parents. That was a very thrilling time for both of us. Little did I know, however, that that would be the beginning of the end as far as I’m concerned.
“At first, I didn’t even realize what was happening, since I trusted Freeda to be responsible. But I started realizing that our credit card bills were getting insanely out of control. I started paying more attention to our finances and began to notice that Freeda was spending exorbitant amounts of money on things that I don’t believe she really needs. I never wanted to be the kind of husband who admonishes his wife for spending too much, but at some point, I had to get real with her.
“What I started to realize was that Freeda totally had her head stuck in the sand. She couldn’t understand why we couldn’t afford a $600 pair of shoes or $1,000 handbag. She would just say something like, ‘Everyone spends that amount. It’s no big deal.’ When I tried to explain to her that we were sinking deeper and deeper into debt and that I was frightened for our future, she refused to acknowledge what I was talking about. She would look at me as if I was the one out of touch with reality. When I wanted to sit down with her and go over the bills so she could see in black and white what was going on, she refused to work with me. I think her attitude was that I would just make it work.
“By the way, I make a very decent salary. But with four children in yeshiva and all the other expenses that go along with living in a high-end neighborhood, it’s never enough. Though our parents were kind enough to help us out with buying our house, neither of them is in the position to help us out with our day-to-day expenses and they shouldn’t. But the bottom line is we are not making it. I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares that we will lose our house someday and will have to go back to living in an apartment. Seriously. It’s not normal and this shouldn’t be happening. Yet, Freeda seems unable to hear the truth and I’m at my wits end. I just don’t know what to do at this point.”
She Said
“Sounds like your husband has some serious concerns,” I began. “What do you think is going on, Freeda?” As Freeda began to speak, my first thoughts were that it seemed as though she had not been sitting in the room with Abe and me the whole time. She seemed unmoved and disengaged from certain realities as she began to speak.
“As you can probably see, Abe is a bit of a worry wart,” she said. “When Abe and I decided to move to the Five Towns nearly six years ago, we knew it would be the beginning of a new, different lifestyle. I guess neither of us knew to what degree things would change, but they have changed and mainly in a great way. I love living here and our children are thriving. Unfortunately, Abe is so busy poring over the bills day and night that I don’t think he is benefitting from living in such a wonderful neighborhood the way the rest of us are. It’s such a shame. I wish he could lighten up and be happier. He wasn’t always so uptight. When we first married, he was relaxed and fun to be around. But these days, I have to tell you, he’s been a real downer.”
Talk about denial! Freeda was clearly preserving her story that was protecting her from a truth that would be too painful for her to confront. She was choosing to see things in a certain way in order to protect herself from relinquishing a dream she needed to hold on to. When you’re dealing with someone who is in denial, it’s important to proceed slowly and cautiously in order to not come across as threatening, thereby causing them to double down with their story.
“Can you tell me a bit more about your present lifestyle that Abe is just not getting?” I asked. Freeda took a few minutes to ponder my question and finally responded. “I think Abe is still stuck in the mindset of someone who is living in a small apartment in Brooklyn where we started off. During those years, we needed to put away every dime if we wanted to buy a house someday. And that was fine. All the young couples we were friendly with were living the same way. But times are different know. The women I’m friendly with don’t hesitate to spend money on beautiful things for their homes, their children, and for themselves. I can hardly walk around in a wardrobe from Marshall’s like I once did. It would be humiliating and way too painful for me. But Abe doesn’t seem to understand that. Other husbands seem to be able to figure it out. Why can’t Abe?”
I knew it was too early to start bringing in evidence supporting Abe’s concerns that were against her perceived reality, since Freeda seemed to believe it was just a matter of Abe ‘figuring it out.’ It seemed like Freeda never considered the possibility that other couples were also getting into financial distress or perhaps they had wealthy parents to help them out, or they made considerably more money. There were many possible reasons why her friends were spending enormous sums of money. And even if there weren’t any logical reasons, this was more about Freeda fiercely holding onto the illusion of a lifestyle that was in fact out of reach for them. By committing to preserving this illusion, not only was Freeda putting enormous strain on Abe, she was creating a situation that was moving them toward an outcome that could have very serious consequences.
I began by empathizing with Freeda, acknowledging how it must be hard for her to be told that she couldn’t spend the way her friends were spending, and to be living with the negativity that she felt Abe was bringing into their marriage. I understood that her reality was being threatened, and the more threatened she was feeling, the tighter she would hold on. At the same time, I understood that their financial situation was precarious and if nothing changed, she would have much greater and more horrific realities to deal with.
As I aligned myself with Freeda to a certain degree and gained her trust, I suggested that she come in on her own in order for us to figure out some kind of solution. Since she didn’t view me as a threat (or as someone who was trying to undermine her beliefs), she agreed it would be a good idea.
My Thoughts
As Freeda and I proceeded to cautiously explore her hopes and dreams, her insecurities and strengths, why certain truths felt so overwhelming for her and why at some point, she subconsciously began shutting off her ability to accept certain realities, we began to make wonderful progress.
Freeda was ultimately able to recognize a certain immaturity in herself, which wanted things to be her way, despite what the actual facts were. Her previous emotional involvement in wanting certain outcomes got in the way of her focusing on all of Abe’s wonderful qualities and his desire to actually protect her and their children from a potentially dangerous outcome.
Not only was Freeda finally able to see the truth for what it was, she began to get on board with Abe in a way that enabled the two of them to work together, coming up with a realistic budget. Interestingly enough, Freeda came to realize that this didn’t mean that she was going to have to go back to living the way they lived when they first married. There would be appropriate times when she could splurge a bit here and there on something special, but it all had to make sense. Freeda went from being in total denial to feeling empowered, knowing she was now part of the solution rather than the source of the problem. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached t 516-3124-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
