The purpose of this column is to provide a bird’s eye view into marital issues that come up when I work with couples who are attempting to fix or just improve their relationship. Couple work is very common and restorative. Sometimes couples just need a higher level of mindfulness and to implement minor tweaks in order to better understand themselves, how their words and behaviors impact their spouse, and to gain deeper meaning and satisfaction from their relationship with their spouse.
All relationships matter, and all relationships influence the quality of one’s life. But for a married couple, it’s the relationship with one’s husband or wife that seems to have the greatest impact on one’s level of happiness.
Of course, all names, specific details, and any identifiable information will be changed to protect everyone’s privacy. When reading this column, you may feel quite certain that you know who I’m writing about. That will never be the case. Anonymity is the holy grail of therapy. Inspiration for a storyline does begin in my office, but it’s just inspiration. Nothing more, nothing less.
Additionally, it may seem as though I am oversimplifying marriage therapy in this column. I am. As I try to convey the concepts of what goes on in my office within this short column, much important information and the actual process of growth may not be available to you because it is such a complicated evolution. As I said earlier, it’s a broad, general view of a much larger story. The paragraphs below are just a composite of many long conversations. But even from a limited presentation, one can always find something to learn.
He Said
Max came into my office, giving off a “vibe.” Maybe not all people have the sensitivity to pick up on vibes, but most therapists do have the ability to read people even before they’ve said a word. I picked up on that energy, that feeling in the air.
Max seemed angry, entitled, and looking for a fight; he was not a happy camper! He unabashedly explained to me his feelings about marriage. According to his view and the view of his father, the job of a husband is to work hard and provide for his family, and the job of the wife is to serve her husband and children. He grew up in a very strict home where everyone knew their roles and acted accordingly. Though he admitted that his wife, Naomi, tried to be a good wife, she just wasn’t cutting it. And lately, maybe because she started going to various lectures and “groups,” she was behaving differently and appeared dissatisfied with the rules of their marriage—rules they agreed on many years ago.
When I asked Max about these rules, and whether he ever considered Naomi’s needs, Max basically said that he understood that not all marriages functioned the way that he wanted his to function, but that Naomi knew what she was getting into when they got married and it is what it is. He never presented to Naomi as a mushy kind of guy when they dated. He was always upfront with the fact that he didn’t want her to work and expected her to be home when he got home from work, with a satisfying dinner, a clean home, and well-behaved children waiting for him. Of course, his yelling, criticism, and what some might consider emotional abuse were not disclosed while they were dating.
I tried to gently challenge Max’s lack of sensitivity and what some people might consider old-fashioned beliefs, but I didn’t get very far. Max cared little about what other people thought or did. He wanted to emulate the home he grew up in, which ran very well. When I asked him whether he thought his mother was happy, for the first time I noticed a bit of reflection and emotion on Max’s face. After a few moments, he finally responded, “Happy? I’m not even sure I know what that means. Is anyone really happy? We do what we have to do.”
She Said
Though Naomi showed up for the first session together with Max, she barely said a word during the session. She seemed frightened and unwilling to join in the conversation, let alone challenge anything Max said.
I therefore scheduled a session to speak with Naomi alone. I don’t think Max was all that happy about my suggestion, but I made it clear that in order to work with them, it was necessary. More sessions alone with Naomi followed. When we first met, Naomi seemed like someone who was afraid of her own shadow and unaccustomed to sharing her feelings. However, I was ultimately able to create a safe space for the two of us to have a conversation.
Naomi actually grew up in what she considered a “normal” home. She observed her parents interacting with one another with love and respect. Frankly, she said, she didn’t even realize that other types of marriages existed. It was all she knew. Max was the third man she dated. She was struck by his “tall, dark, and handsome” look. His focused career objectives and what seemed to her like enormous maturity were also exciting to her. Perhaps Naomi grew up somewhat pampered and cared for, and the thought of going from one home where she was taken care of so thoroughly straight into another similar situation seemed very appealing to her.
Yes, she remembers Max talking about the role he expected of his wife. At the time, it all sounded good. Maybe she didn’t realize the exacting nature of his expectations, or the lack of kindness and flexibility she would soon encounter when they got married, but the bottom line was, as soon as they were married, she felt that she descended into an abyss, with no way out. She didn’t want to share her unhappiness with her parents—firstly, because she didn’t want to cause them pain, but also, she realized, she didn’t want them to be disappointed in her.
She talked about how absolutely immature she was when she got married and how she allowed herself to be swept along with what turned into an insane marriage. She saw herself as being on a treadmill: between functioning as the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, etc., there was no time to stop and reflect. She had no time to connect with friends, to spend quality time with her family, or even to think about what had become of her life. It was all about getting through the day.
Now that her children are older and out of the house, Naomi started attending neighborhood lectures, groups, and other empowering events that opened her eyes to see what a tragic life she was living. In small ways, Naomi started trying to shift the dynamic in her home, but it was not going well. Max was scary!
My Thoughts
After numerous sessions with Max and Naomi separately and with the two of them together, it was clear to me that Max had no intention of making any changes to his personality or beliefs about marriage. He was what we call “stuck.” For whatever reason, change was not an option for him. For relationships to improve, it usually requires each individual’s willingness to take a hard look at himself or herself and commit to self-growth, and the desire has to be there. I could not see any such desire within Max.
Naomi’s minor attempts at changing herself and her expectations at home only had disastrous results. Max would have none of it. However, it did seem to me that Naomi was ready for a change. Frankly, I couldn’t see how this marriage could continue along the path it had been following all these years. But as a therapist, it is not my place to bring up the “d” word. Thoughts about or steps toward divorce have to come from those who feel they can’t go another day living under certain circumstances; it is not my place to pull that trigger. My role is to help inspire, empower, educate, and create a safe space where one can look at options and realistically consider the ramifications.
It didn’t take long for Max to realize that I was unable to support his ideas regarding his expectations and treatment of his wife. Naturally, they stopped coming in to see me as a couple. Naomi would show up alone every so often, appear to gain chizuk (strength) from our conversations, and then I wouldn’t hear from her for several months. This went on for a while, until Naomi stopped coming to see me at all.
More than a year after our final session, I got a call out of the blue from Naomi that she wanted to schedule an appointment. I didn’t know what to expect and was actually a bit nervous before our session. Naomi walked in looking radiant and beautiful. She told me that she had finally mustered the courage to confide in her parents, and she was surprised to find them totally supportive and willing to do everything in their power to help her get away from Max. And so she did. At the time, Naomi was pursuing a master’s degree in the field she hoped to enter and was excited about the next chapter of her life.
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles at 5TJT.com.
