By Elana Fertig, M.S. Ed
Early Childhood Consultant and Professional Parent
Parenting should really be called juggling. The number of responsibilities on our lists as mothers is endless, even before you leave the house. Many years ago, I was invited back to my high school to speak to the senior class at Career Night. There were about ten alumnae speaking that evening, and they were impressive, powerful women. I remember how each of them talked about their jobs, the hours they worked, and how they managed to balance their family responsibilities too.
I remember giving this message to those girls: “You can do anything you want to do. But you can’t do everything—and you certainly can’t do everything perfectly.”
Being a mother, whether or not you work outside the home, is juggling in its most overwhelming form, and there are times when it feels like it’s impossible to keep all the balls in the air. My secret to sanity is accepting what I’m not so great at. I’m just not great at folding my laundry. And that’s okay. When I fold my laundry, for example, I remind myself that I’m better at other things. There are other examples, believe me, but for now, let’s just keep it at one.
There are many times when I remind myself of something the Torah teaches us about balance. Chazal in Sotah 47A advises parents to use “one’s left hand to push away and one’s right hand to draw close.” There is wisdom here: children need boundaries, yes, but they also need warmth, connection, and love to feel secure. Parenting is about striking that balance, and it’s not easy.
One way to help manage that overwhelming feeling and teach our children responsibility is to delegate. A job chart can help create structure and give children a sense of ownership. They know where things belong, they understand what’s expected of them, and that consistency helps them feel secure. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve mastered this. I’ve tried so many job charts in my house, and every single one has failed eventually. They worked for a while, but at some point, they stopped working. Follow-through is key, and that’s not always easy.
One motzaei Shabbos, I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by the endless chores that needed to be done. I got upset and told my kids, “I tell other people all the time that they need job charts—and yet it doesn’t work in my house!” So, I tried something new. I made a list of what each child needed to do: “Take out the garbage,” “wash the dishes,” “pick up the towels from the bathroom floor.” Then I added one rule: if they didn’t do their job, and I ended up doing it for them, they had to pay me a dollar. They were older by then, and surprisingly, they didn’t seem to mind paying me. But I minded. So, back to the drawing board.
This time, I heard an idea from a friend: the Gibor Chart. I loved this one. We all have things that come easy to us, and then there are things that feel hard. That’s true for children, too. So I made a chart. On top of it, I wrote a specific prize that the family would work for together. It could be a night out for dinner, a board game, or even a climbing toy—whatever works for your family. Each child had a certain number of boxes to fill in—five or ten, depending on their age—and every time one of them did something helpful that was hard for them, they earned a check for being a gibor, a hero.
It got better: if one of their siblings noticed and pointed out that someone else had done something helpful, they could both get a check. It wasn’t perfect, but it got them working as a family, encouraging each other, and helping in ways that felt good for all of us. “Take out the garbage without being asked,” “bring down the laundry,” “clear the table without reminders”—whatever it was, they were helping, and they were working as a team.
As we approach Chanukah, this is a good time to remind our children about the mitzvah of hakaras hatov, gratitude. It doesn’t have to be a big deal: handwriting a thank-you note or calling a relative to say thank you can be a beautiful gift. Mommy and Daddy, grandparents, aunts, and uncles spend time thinking about your children, choosing gifts or helping in some way—it’s so nice to teach them to notice and say thank you.
Here’s an easy and meaningful idea: have your children draw or write “coupons” for gifts they’ll give to you. They can write, or you can help them dictate, something simple like:
“I will go to sleep on time the first time you ask.”
“I will help put the groceries away.”
Small acts of hakaras hatov like these can go a long way.
Parenting is never easy, and juggling everything can feel impossible. But it’s okay to drop a ball sometimes. It’s okay to have laundry that isn’t perfectly folded. Focus on what you’re good at. Delegate when you can. And, most importantly, create a home where your children feel connected, responsible, and loved. n
Elana Fertig, M.S. Ed is a mother, an Early Childhood Director for nearly 25 years, an Early Childhood Consultant for The Jewish Education Project and Torah Umesorah, and the author of Infusing the Ruach in Your School. She can be reached at morahelanafertig@gmail.com.