DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
There is an excellent argument to be made that our environment plays a significant role in our development as human beings: our parents, our relationship with them, our birth order, the quality of our lives, education, etc., are all the variables that affect our progress.
However, just as important are the traits that define us from birth. We can look back at our gene pool to more fully understand certain dispositions. Sometimes we have to go back a generation or two, take a peek at our aunts and uncles, to find a link with certain tendencies that we thought were uniquely our own. But make no mistake. We don’t all enter the world with equal inclinations, because straight out of the gate we start off with unique strengths and weaknesses.
For the purpose of this column, I will focus on one’s ability to feel happiness. As with so many other things, we are all born with a different proclivity for happiness. You only need look into the nursery of a maternity ward to see that some babies lie calmly and peacefully while others cry non-stop. Fidgety babies can’t seem to find a comfortable place for themselves in the brand-new world they landed in. They are unable to relax, self-soothe, or stop wailing. Perhaps some are struggling with some minor or major medical issues. But some will continue to struggle throughout their lives. Feeling calm and happy is sometimes out of reach for certain individuals.
We all know people who have every reason to be miserable because of messy lives, yet always have a smile on their face and project positivity. And then there are those individuals who we believe have every reason to be happy, yet always find a reason to be sad and depressed. They may in fact be suffering from something called dysthymia, which is a kind of low-grade depression (like a low-grade fever). Clearly, due to no fault of their own. It’s just due to their internal wiring.
As is typical in our community, couples don’t usually date for a long period of time. And during this limited time, most have been trained to project their very best selves and beyond. Always put your best foot forward. Smile. Never be disagreeable. Keep any negative thoughts to yourself. Be perfect. Well, of course, we all want to present well. But by doing so, does this give the other person the chance to truly see our blemishes? Our dark side? And if they did, would it be a game changer?
Avi and Batya were not married very long when they came to see me. In fact, they were just approaching their first anniversary. But Avi’s concerns were so disturbing that he basically dragged Batya into my office to see if there was some way of getting their marriage on track before things got really out of hand.
He Said
Twenty-three-year-old Avi was anxious to start venting. “I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, so please forgive me in advance if I go on too long. I just have to get this stuff off my chest. I dated seven other young women before I went out with Batya. They were all nice women, but I just wasn’t feeling it. When I went out with Batya, even the first time, it felt like magic. I remember coming home after the date and telling my parents that Batya was absolutely perfect. She was! Everything about her was straight out of my imagination about what a perfect date would be like. Every subsequent date was equally perfect.
“Batya was always smiling, very upbeat, encouraging, and excited about everything I said. I just remember thinking that her energy was contagious, and I wanted to spend my entire life married to someone who was so happy. We didn’t date very long. Besides the fact that my parents were kind of pushing, since I have a younger sister that they wanted to focus their attention on, I agreed that there was no need to keep dating. So, after literally four weeks of dating once or twice per week, we got engaged and had a very short engagement period.
“Looking back, I can honestly say that as soon as we were officially married, actually, during Sheva Brachos, I started to see a very different side of Batya. The smile was gone, a nervous energy emerged, and I started wondering what happened to the Batya I proposed to. As she was getting ready for the first of our sheva brachos, she started obsessing over her sheitel, telling me how horrible it looked, even though I thought it looked great, but she said she couldn’t go out in it. After much drama, we finally showed up embarrassingly late.
“That was just the beginning. Suddenly, I was experiencing dramatic changes. She went from appearing to be the happiest person alive to someone miserable and anxious. To say I was confused is putting it mildly. At first, I started thinking maybe it was me. Maybe I was doing something wrong. But after much introspection, I realized that I was the same person who had picked her up for dates and had wonderful phone conversations. I hadn’t changed at all. Batya had.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m having a very hard time being married to Batya. Mind you, I do love her and at times, the “old Batya” comes through and I’m reminded why I fell in love with her in the first place. But I would say there are more difficult times than wonderful times. I’ve tried to ask her what is going on and what I can do to help her, but I get nowhere.
“I’m hoping that you can help me figure out what’s going on here and how to fix it.”
She Said
“When I listen to Avi speak,” Batya began, “I sound like such a horrible person. I don’t really think I’m a bad person. But if we’re all being honest here, I am a moody person, and my moods tend to be more negative than positive.
“Sometimes, it felt like from the moment I was born, my mother was preparing me for dating. On and on she went about how I was supposed to look, dress, act, and of course, previous to all of that, work towards creating a perfect résumé. She put a tremendous amount of pressure on me. At times, I thought that all the pressure she put me under to appear “perfect” would break me. Because, truthfully, I was far from perfect. And neither was my family.
“My mother knew better than anyone that I had a tendency toward depression. Why? Because she could relate. My mother has her own issues in that department. In fact, and no one knows this little bit of information, but I guess now is the time to finally come clean, which I think will be a relief for me. I actually saw a therapist when I was 14 and he suggested that I see a psychiatrist for medication. My mother never followed up on his suggestion. She never wanted to blemish my perfect reputation with the reality that I needed medication.
“So, to a certain degree, my life has been a lie. I never let anyone know what I was truly feeling. It took an enormous amount of energy and frankly, by the time I got married, I felt like I could drop the charade, which was such a relief, since everything was meant to lead to me finally getting married. What Avi has been experiencing, unfortunately, is the true me. Like I said earlier, I’m not a bad person, but I’m not a happy person either. I see the world in a dark way and I just can’t pretend otherwise. I do feel badly, and I guess to a certain degree, Avi was tricked. Mind you, I would like to think that certain parts of me, namely my sensitivity, intelligence, sense of humor, are all parts of the real me that are authentic, alive, and well. I’m just not, by nature, the happy-go-lucky person Avi thought he was marrying.”
At this point, Batya looked toward Avi and with tremendous kindness expressed her sincere apologies to him.
My Thoughts
Batya is an extreme example of what sometimes happens in the shidduch world. Parents can get so caught up in the packaging of their child as the perfect candidate, that somewhere along the way, reality gets blurred. And aside from the unknowing partner of this equation marrying someone quite different from what they expected, it is a tremendous burden for the person who feels pressured to be someone they are not.
But all was not lost with Avi and Batya. Batya and I began to work together privately. She was in desperate need of therapy, and hadn’t received any in many years because, once again, Batya’s mother worried that word might get out and that would “ruin everything.” That confusion and so much more needed to be addressed and worked through.
After some time, I brought up medication, which I believed was something Batya would benefit from enormously. It took her a little time to get past the voice of her mother that still remained in her head, but eventually she agreed to speak to a psychiatrist.
Thankfully, Avi had no problem with Batya taking medication and remaining in on-going therapy. He just wanted the happy person he courted back in his life. And with time, he got her back, but an even better version—because this one was the real deal! n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
