Question
I come from a heimish family and live in a yeshivish neighborhood. I always wanted to be a kollel wife, where my husband will learn and maybe even get a shtela in a community where I could be a rebbetzin and do kiruv. My parents cannot afford to support us, so I know it will fall on me. Most girls from my background become teachers or therapists, but I know from speaking to people that even with such jobs, they need help from their parents. So, I decided to become a professional. I’m now in graduate school and it will take me at least another four years to start making money. After I start putting money away, realistically it will be another two years before I start dating. I’m now 20 years old, so that means I wouldn’t start dating until I’m around 26. If I do start dating before, then the guy’s parents would have to support us, and I don’t know if that is a realistic plan. What do you advise girls like me?
Response
Every case is different, and there is rarely a one-size-fits-all approach for young ladies who want to marry a man who will sit and learn and maybe become a rav. If he never becomes a pulpit rav, then they need to be ready to take on a life where the husband brings home a meager stipend from his kollel. That you are concerned about this issue to the extent that you are willing to put off dating until you’re 26 years old speaks volumes about your sensitivity towards the family of the man you will, iy’H, ultimately marry, and you also recognize that it might not be that easy to come by. I will say that in many cases, young ladies who aspire towards this type of lifestyle typically feel that somehow it will all work out, though they have no clue how other than their strong emunah. You have the emunah, but you also recognize that you need to put in some hishtadlus too. I would say that you are one step ahead of the game already!
Being in graduate school means that you are studying for a profession that will one day place you in the position of earning enough of an income that anyone who marries you will not have to be the sole supporter of the family, even if he gets a shtela that would earn him enough. Truthfully, the cost of living is only going up, and in most cases, a two-salary household typically worries less about family finances.
It sounds like you are realistic in that you accept that whomever you end up marrying will not necessarily earn a significant salary. In many circumstances, it is expected that one side of the couple’s family be willing to take upon themselves to fully support them. However, there are cases where although such promises are made with full intent, life happens and they are not able to fulfill it. Consequently, the young husband is not working, and if his wife is not earning much, huge issues arise when the bills start piling up with no idea as to how they can be paid. Which is not to say that just because someone is in school that guarantees them a job either. However, at least it shows that the person is willing to take responsibility for their future, and for the sake of Torah-learning. That is very commendable.
Please forgive me, but I really need to ask you a question that you might want to privately ponder. Are you also seeking to put off marriage, because you might not be that eager to get married right away? The reason I am asking is because you are basically saying that you will not consider a shidduch until you are 26 years old. It also means that you only plan on searching for your bashert then. Please understand that I’m not implying that 26 years is old for shidduchim. On the contrary, I think young ladies are emotionally mature at that age and it is a healthy and opportune time to get married. But typically, it just happens to work out that way, rather than planning to first start the process.
Unless there are emotional issues or serious conflicts, I generally do not tell people to place dating on hold. Finding a compatible person to marry is not always that simple. I have big concerns when I hear that a young lady is deliberately withholding herself from dating. Whatever type of boy you prefer to date now does not mean you will feel the same way in six years. This may require that you alter your requirement. It makes sense when you think about it.
In the first place, you will be older and exposed to a different environment than where you are presently. It also means that the guys who are available to you then might want someone not like you. In other words, you cannot possibly predict where you will be at that juncture, and if the type of boy you want to date will feel the same way about you. There’s no way anyone can map out life six years ahead.
It’s quite common that when people first enter the shidduch scene, they feel most compatible with someone who is also new to the parashah. In most cases when one is new and the other is a seasoned dater, there is oftentimes a disconnect, which adds another further challenge.
A letter such as yours is more commonly seen among young men, and though it is assumed that men have it easier, they too deal with the circumstances that become part and parcel with putting dating on hold until parnassah is fully established.
So, I think you may understand that unless there are extenuating circumstances of a serious nature, my advice is not to wait on purpose. You should instead place yourself in situations where you will have the opportunity to meet a young man who is well-suited to you. You need to bear in mind that depending on what degree you are pursuing, there is no guarantee that a job will be waiting for you as soon as you are done with your studies. Not only that, but what if your studies might take longer due to unforeseen reasons?
I wonder if you ever had a discussion with anyone in your family and brought up this dilemma. It would be good for you to know how your parents feel about your thoughts, and perhaps they might offer ideas that you never would have considered. The advantage that you have going for you is that young ladies at 20 years of age don’t usually get declined for a shidduch because they are not yet making a living.
It’s important to be honest and bring up the topic of finances early on when you meet somebody, or share that information with the shadchan who assists you. To be honest, yes, there are learning guys who will not consider a young lady unless her parents are willing to fully support them, and of course that includes paying the bills, whether that means the necessary ones as well as recreational and miscellaneous things. Such guys expect the young lady’s family to shoulder each and every one of the financial burdens. Then there are guys who though they are learning, take on flexible part-time jobs such as tutoring, or a remote position that can be done at any time. You too can do that if you feel that you can handle it when you are not in school or studying for exams.
I’m going to throw something else in for you to consider as a good idea as to why couples in your hashkafic circles need to have a source of income, even if it’s a part time job. What if pregnancy, or any other reason, causes you to not be able to work? You always need a back-up plan to lessen the stress of paying bills.
In conclusion, please talk this over with someone, especially a family member, or if you’re not comfortable doing that, then with someone who is familiar with your family circumstances. Whatever plans you make for the future should come from a place of clarity, with honest introspection. Wishing you much luck in your endeavors, and that whatever you hope to aspire to with your advanced degree will serve you well in life. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
