Question
I got divorced after twelve years of marriage. I lived with my husband for ten years and separated for two. My divorce finally came on my 50th birthday. I was single for a long time before I met my ex. It took me a long time to find somebody, but he turned out to be different as a husband. I moved past that, and I want to remarry. I’m willing to date a man up to 61 or 62 if he’s a really great guy.
All my single divorced friends tell me that the men out there are not serious. I see that too. We have our own group where we all get together for Shabbos meals, go on vacations, spend yom tov together, like Pesach and Sukkos. We often have parties and sometimes they dance, but I don’t mix dance. The problem is that nobody in these groups ever goes on real dates with each other. The guys are just players. So are the women. Then I hear about random divorced couples that do get married, and they are not a part of these “divorced groups.” I don’t know how they met each other.
My married friends don’t get it. They don’t understand why there are so many men I can be friends with but don’t date. I tell them that’s how it is. I’m registered with matchmakers, but they don’t have anyone for me. Should I just give up trying to remarry, or continue to try, but if I do try, where should I go?
Response
Your primary problem is that you’re a full-fledged member of a Kumbaya chevra. When a newly-divorced person hangs out with a group of people who are in the same situation, but have a different outlook, that will work against them. You don’t mention anything about that in your letter, but I have a hunch that you know what I’m talking about. You say that you join their parties that include mixed dancing. The fact that you’re not joining in their festivities already makes you stand out as being different. Please take my word for it; you do not belong there.
People that get divorced find themselves in a world they no longer know. Prior to the first marriage, they will typically have friends from school, camp, and the new ones they made as a newly-married person. Their interests might be different, but they share the same goal of searching for their bashert. Once they are married, their lives take on a completely different role and they become part of a community as a family. When divorce happens, these people share little in common with their never-married friends, and in terms of being in the company of married couples, they oftentimes feel like an outsider, even if they are still included. Consequently, Shabbos becomes a lonely, dreaded day, and holidays even more so. As time goes on, newly divorced people meet others in the same situation, and the unfortunate ones slowly become indoctrinated into groups that don’t represent their true values.
I always advise newly-divorced people to make one or two friends who are like them for support and friendship, to go out for coffee and a meal now and then, and even spend time together on Shabbos and yom tov. But those large groups of people who you have nothing in common with, whose lifestyles might contradict your values, who you have no idea what they are about and where they are coming from can be horrifically detrimental to someone who is seriously seeking remarriage. The old expression, “Show me who your friends are and I’ll show you who you are” holds true. In other words, if you hang out with a group of people who have a certain reputation of behavior that is unlike yours, nobody on the outside will defend you and say, But she’s in a class by herself. On the contrary, you automatically become guilty by association.
Let me stress again that I am not bashing any of these groups of divorced singles. They are great for people who are just like the organizers, and on some level, they provide solace and companionship to their members. You write to me citing examples of how you’re nothing like them, and that you want to be remarried. In fact, you cite a detail of how you know of other divorced people who are not part of any group, yet they managed to get remarried. You, therefore, answered your own question regarding what you should be doing. If you need my validation, here it is. You truly want to get remarried, so you cannot be a regular attendee in these groups of people who are, by your own admission, players, mixed dancers, etc. Just as you are aware of who they are, so are other people. No one is living under a rock.
You seem almost surprised that there are divorced people who have remarried, and in fact refer to them as “random.” There is nothing random about them. They feel unfamiliar to you perhaps because they did not change their lifestyle to a Kumbaya style. They likely went about life as before, perhaps they might have had more family support, but they did not adopt a different identity from the person they were before their divorce. People who want to get remarried eventually get remarried. For some, it might be a shorter waiting period; for others, it might be longer, but nobody is eternally doomed to remain single if they are actively seeking their bashert and adjusting their lifestyle to remove aspects that could be hindering their success.
I get that you need socializing, and I won’t tell you to stay home and look at the four walls. I imagine that you have made some friends along the way. Invite one or two likeminded friends for a meal at your home, and I am certain they will reciprocate. Make suggestions about outings or even vacations. You will eventually discover that having a small intimate group of friends can be more emotionally rewarding than being in a large, impersonal group.
In terms of finding a marriage-minded man, there are various options available. You mentioned that you are registered with matchmakers, but they don’t have anyone for you. Perhaps they don’t deal with a clientele of mature divorced singles. Find those who might have a larger database of the type you are looking for. Though there are singles events geared to mature singles, they are much fewer than the ones geared to younger people. You should take advantage of those events by attending any that are within a reasonable distance of you.
Speak to people you associated with when you were a married woman. Ask them if they know of someone who might be a fit for you. If you are amenable to relocation, that might open even more doors for you. You say that you are willing to date over ten years your senior, that also demonstrates a broadminded, nonjudgmental lady who is serious about finding a life partner. However, with that type of personality, you also run the risk, G-d forbid, of falling for the wrong type of person. You must do a thorough background check on anyone who is being suggested to you, regardless of who is doing the suggesting. Even if the matchmaker tells you that he or she knows the man well, the reality is that most people show their best side to the person they are reaching out to for assistance. There should be no blind trust when it relates to a shidduch.
In your case I would advise you to avoid friendships with men, even if they mean nothing to you in terms of a romantic relationship. People who are aware that you are friends with someone of the opposite gender might assume there is more going on than there really is and that will fox you in and keep you in the same situation you’re trying to break out of. I’m not telling you to completely block someone who is nice to you just because they are male. Courteously respond to their calls and messages, and respectfully decline invitations that are not simcha-related. If anyone asks you why you are avoiding them or your group of friends, politely explain that you’ve been super busy and overwhelmed with whatever you are doing in your life, such as work, family, hobbies, or chesed.
Speaking of chesed, if you’re not yet involved in any chesed activities, now is the time to do so. There are so many worthy causes out there that it should not be too difficult to find one that resonates with you. Those are the people in groups you should belong to and cling to. By reinventing yourself with a few tweaks, you will discover a whole new world of people to network with and who knows, maybe you will meet a compatible single man or someone who can be the shliach to introduce you to your zivug sheini. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
