DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
How we experience the world around us at any given moment can depend on various factors, such as the people we are with, the environment, what is going on in our lives at the time, and so many other factors. Therefore, it’s almost impossible to predict what our reactions will be at any given moment. So many factors are fluid, as are we, so we must be open to surprising reactions within ourselves and others.
It’s difficult enough when we confound ourselves by our responses and wonder what just happened. But when a loved one is involved, typically, no one leaves happy. I know I’m speaking in generalities and maybe a bit cryptically, but you will understand what I am referring to as I share the story of Robert and Sherry.
He Said
Robert is a 25-year-old man in a new marriage. After we go through some unremarkable background information, Robert gets into the problem at hand after I ask him what brought him and Sherry into my office.
“Well, here’s basically the deal,” Robert began. “Sherry and I dated for around eight months. Not a short amount of time compared to other people I know. We always got along great. We’re both a bit out of the box. Our dates were always terrific and loads of fun. We enjoyed roller blading together, going to amusement parks, and getting on the scariest roller coaster rides. We even went axe throwing once. We enjoyed the same things and always had lots to talk about. But neither of us are super serious types. Basically, we both like to laugh a lot.
“I know that my personality and sense of humor are a bit out there. Sherry was my biggest fan. There were times when Sherry couldn’t even catch her breath, she was laughing so hard. I loved the fact that I made her so happy and that she was my biggest fan. Everything was great.
“Frankly, after we got married, our relationship continued to be terrific. We loved being together, having fun together, but don’t get me wrong, we both are totally responsible. We both have good jobs and work hard. Neither of us gets much help from our parents and we’re saving to buy a house one day. All good.
“So, here’s the problem. We rent an apartment in a great building. There are lots of newly married couples that we’ve become friendly with. There is a lot of weekend socializing going on. Especially Shabbos meals. More often than not, we have company in or are invited out. What’s been happening is something I find so bizarre, I don’t even know how to deal with it. When we’re out with company and I crack a joke or say something that would normally make Sherry laugh, she suddenly gets this totally embarrassed look on her face. Sometimes, she’ll try to make an excuse for something I said, explaining to the others that I didn’t really mean what I did in fact mean. The moment becomes awkward, not only for me but for everyone else, too.
“When we get home, I’ll get an argument from Sherry about how I embarrassed her by how I was acting and what I was saying. If we had been alone and I had said the exact same thing, Sherry would have thought it hysterical. Suddenly, I’m an embarrassment to her. She seems worried about what the other people are thinking rather than how she’s making me feel.
“I know I can get rather loud and am opinionated. That’s who I am. That’s probably why she married me. I don’t think she could be happy with a quiet, boring type of guy. This new double standard around how I’m supposed to act around basically strangers, who she shouldn’t care about impressing more than she should care about me, is very hurtful.
“But what has really been ticking me off lately is that now Sherry is prepping me before we go out anywhere. She’ll tell me what I should and shouldn’t talk about. She’ll remind me to keep my voice down and not overtalk. She’ll ask me to avoid certain subjects that I’m passionate about, like politics or what’s going on in Israel, and literally ask me to keep a lid on my ideas. Obviously, that doesn’t make me feel very good about myself. It also makes me feel that Sherry is suddenly no longer not thinking much of me. I’ve gone from being the guy she loved and enjoyed having a good time with to someone who is an embarrassment to her.
“I am the man she married. She could have married a mild-mannered guy like some of our neighbors. But she obviously chose me because she was attracted to who I am. Am I now supposed to become someone else? And even if I could, I like myself. I don’t want to change who I am.”
She Said
Before I could even ask Sherry a question, she began talking. “I don’t feel good about anything Robert is telling you. I wish I could say that he’s lying or at least exaggerating somewhat, but the truth is he has described exactly what’s been happening since we are finding ourselves with other young couples so often.
“When Robert and I are alone, we’re so comfortable with each other, we see the world in a similar way, and we can find the humor and absurdity in the same situations, and we’re totally on the same wavelength. I do think Robert is a great, funny guy. A bit outrageous, sometimes, but honestly, I was attracted to that. My family is dull, many people I meet are dull, and I love his spontaneity and sometimes outrageous way of talking and acting.
“But I have totally surprised myself and honestly, I can’t even explain it to myself, but I suddenly find that when we are with other couples, I’m feeling self-conscious about Robert. It’s like I’m seeing Robert for the first time through an entirely new lens. The young couples in our building that we’ve been friendly with have been lovely and I’m glad we’ve made these new friends. But I can’t help myself from making comparisons between their husbands and Robert. When I’m alone with Robert, I see him one way, and when I see him next to other men his age, who seem more relaxed and reserved, I’m sorry to say I find them more refined. I find myself suddenly seeing Robert in a different light. And yes, I do feel embarrassed. I’m sorry to say this, but he sticks out like a sore thumb.
“Again, when we’re alone together—and I’m not drawing any comparisons between Robert and anyone else—he’s absolutely great. But the contrast between his personality and over-the-top antics are so stark, I feel so uncomfortable for myself and for him as well. And I do believe he’s absolutely clueless regarding how others are likely perceiving him. He’s always the loudest guy in the room. Doesn’t seem to know when to stop talking, and can even get aggressive in his tone when someone doesn’t agree with him.
“When Robert suggests that I have a double standard for how I relate to him when we are alone versus when we are with others, he’s right. I feel kind of like a hypocrite. But my feelings are very real, and I just don’t know what to do with the shame I often feel around him and others. I guess I could pretend that I’m not totally embarrassed, which I’ve tried to do once or twice, but that only backfired when we got home and I lost it with him. Which is why I try to prep him before we go out. But that never ends well for either of us.
“So, I know how I’m reacting and behaving is wrong and not fair to Robert. I never in my life could have predicted that I could be two separate people in this regard. It’s as shocking to me as it is to Robert. But where do we go from here?”
My Thoughts
Both Robert and Sherry appeared blameless in this scenario. Nevertheless, they were both experiencing pain from one another, despite not intending to hurt the other. The question remains, where can they find a compromise so they don’t both continue in this disturbing pattern, which will only get worse if not dissected and understood to some degree.
During our sessions, it became clear that Sherry carried a great deal of shame inside of her. It seems her “dull” father was also known, on occasion, to have a bit too much to drink. Particularly on holidays when extended family were around. Sherry got in touch with her feelings of being mortified when her father’s personality morphed into something unrecognizable, and during those times, she wished she could somehow just disappear. Despite the fact that Robert’s sometimes outrageous behavior attracted her and was something she totally enjoyed when there was no audience around to witness it, when in public, old feelings of shame inside of her were triggered, overwhelming her. She was emotionally back at her father’s table, wanting to hide.
We spent time analyzing whether she was overreacting in her beliefs around how people perceived Robert. “Was it possible,” I asked her. “That their new friends actually found him entertaining and were not judging him negatively, as she assumed they were? Furthermore, if Robert was so difficult to be around, why were these couples spending time with the two of you? If he was so offensive, don’t you think they would pull back and not continue the friendship?”
These questions gave Sherry reason to pause and reflect. Maybe they weren’t as hyper-critical of Robert in the way she had assumed they were. Maybe he was the most entertaining company they were exposed to all week. Maybe they also had an “out of the box” side to their personalities that they kept under lock and key and enjoyed the opportunity to lighten up around Robert.
I advised Sherry to try getting into a more relaxed state before connecting with these couples and being mindful of seeing Robert in a more generous and authentic manner to her true feelings, while giving their friends the benefit of the doubt.
In terms of my work with Robert, I validated who he was and that he wasn’t hurting anyone by being true to himself. However, we did discuss that concept of “editing.” Most of us learn, as we mature, how to read a room and determine what is the most appropriate behavior, taking into account the nature of one’s surroundings. No one should ever try to mold Robert into becoming something he isn’t, but a greater level of awareness about how his behavior was affecting others was not a bad idea.
Presented in this gentle way, Robert could hear me and consider some adjustments to his overall demeanor. Not because he wasn’t lovable enough just the way he was, but because we all learn to consider and play to our audience, at least a bit. Sherry also did some inner work to not be overly sensitive or critical to Robert’s style, nor to assume the worst of others.
Would Sherry never find herself having another cringe worthy moment in public with Robert? Of course not. But they became fewer and farther apart. And when she did have a reaction, Robert was able to understand that her shame was not about him at all. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
