DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
By now, most of us are familiar with many popular psychobabble terms. We use much of it in our daily lives, and are often spot-on in describing a person or situation, such as “She’s in denial,” “He’s such a narcissist,” or “The whole family is delusional.” These observations can help us understand other people in a deeper, more compassionate way (assuming we are correct). Therefore, seeing the world and each other in a more layered fashion can be helpful. But beware: it can potentially become dangerous if we spend all our time trying to unlock some hidden meanings and overlook the obvious.
One term that has gained traction over the past few years is the notion of wearing a “mask.” To some degree, we all wear masks when we present ourselves in front of others. It may be subtle or quite extreme. For example, if we just heard some disturbing news as we’re about to meet a friend for lunch, we might show up in tears, unbrushed hair, and a look of distress on our faces. Hopefully, we are controlled enough to pull ourselves together, put a smile on our faces, and find the strength to show up with the necessary excitement to meet our friend. At some point during the meeting we can choose to disclose the bad news, if appropriate, but most of us are developed enough to be able to ride it out, enjoy the moment, and present ourselves in a way that will not distract or detract from the grand reunion we had carefully planned.
So, masks can be a good thing. We don’t have to wear every single emotion we are experiencing on our faces, causing undue alarm and a great deal of distraction as we go about our day, but like most things in life, wearing a mask can be taken to the point of absurdity, when one is never honest with oneself and others, never showing any emotions whatsoever. Our faces, and in particular our eyes, can be the portal to our souls. When one is trying to make a serious point, their words have to match their expression; otherwise, there is vast confusion and a serious disconnect. You can’t tell your child how dangerous it is to run into the street while wearing a smile. Serious moments require serious expression that are in synch with our heart and the message.
In marriage, we learn to read each other quickly and accurately. Typically, when a husband or wife comes home from work, their spouse can take one look at them and know if trouble is lurking. Their curiosity and compassion radars become immediately activated and are anxious to somehow help their spouse calm down. Though the upset spouse may have looked perfectly fine during the train ride home, upon stepping into the safety of their home, the mask slips off and their true self emerges. And within meaningful relationships, the true self is often required and necessary.
What happens when one spouse has lived their life always wearing a mask? Never truly accessing their true emotions to anyone under any circumstances, possibly not even to themselves? Why this happens is for another article. For the sake of this article, it’s important to mention that Isaac was just such a man. And what seemed refreshing for his wife Beverly at first to find a person who was always smiling, ended up feeling like a major coverup.
He Said
Isaac is a tall, handsome man in his early fifties. He entered my office with an endearing smile on his face that conveyed both kindness and humbleness. What a nice combination, I thought. He was solicitous in asking his wife Beverly where she wanted to sit and in the way he introduced himself to me. Honestly, my first reaction was, “This guy looks like a winner.”
As we got down to business, I asked Isaac to tell me about what had brought them to my office and how I could be of help. “Well, there are probably a lot of issues going on in our marriage that I’m hoping you can help us with, but for now let me explain the main issue we’re having. Now, it occurs to me that marriages should be fair. In the thirty years we’ve been married, I’ve basically supported the family. Beverly has worked here and there at various jobs, mostly part-time. I understand she was raising our children during that time. But now that the children are out of the house, I think it’s only fair that I take it easy and Beverly support us for the next thirty years. But for now, I’ve given notice to my boss that I’m quitting my job at the end of the month. Beverly is smart and capable and I’m sure she’ll have no problem finding well-paying and satisfying work for herself. It all makes perfect sense to me. But Beverly doesn’t seem to think I have a right to relax now. Neither of us seem to want to budge.”
All of this was said with the same engaging smile on his face. I felt somewhat stumped. Firstly, I’ve never heard a husband lay out such a plan to me in all the years I’ve been doing this work. It was all so logical yet so weird. Who says such a thing with such conviction and not the slightest indication that he was behaving in a bizarre way? If a husband is sitting and learning and this arrangement has been agreed-upon before marriage, or if G-d forbid a husband finds himself unable to work, there would be some kind of accommodation. But the notion that an apparently healthy, youngish man would believe that it’s logical and reasonable for him to stop working and expect his wife to support him was challenging for me to understand and accept.
“What are you so anxious to spend your time doing?” I asked. He said, “I still haven’t figured that out yet. Frankly, my main goal is to just relax and enjoy myself while I’m still young enough to do so.” I asked him, “And you wouldn’t feel badly or guilty watching your wife working full-time while you were just having fun?” “I don’t think so,” said Isaac. “As I mentioned earlier, I’ve worked for over thirty years. I think I deserve a break. Beverly is very marketable. What’s wrong with her taking on this role?” While my head was still trying to process Isaac’s logic (or lack thereof), I finally asked, “How does Beverly feel about this new arrangement?” “She’s mad as can be,” said Isaac, still with a smile on his face.
She Said
Beverley is tall, slim, and quite stunning. However, her expression was the complete opposite of Isaac’s. She had a worn-down, exasperated look about her. No masks for Beverly! When I asked Beverly to give me some context for this unusual request I was hearing from Isaac, she backed it up with a description of her own childhood and Isaac’s as well.
“I think a lot about my childhood and how I managed to get myself into this horrible situation,” she said. “I grew up with a nervous, stern father. It didn’t take much for him to go off the rails, yelling, banging, and on occasion, even hitting. He was a tense man and had high expectations from everyone in the family, including my mother. We all walked on eggshells when he was around. I was a highly sensitive child and probably am still super-sensitive today. And even if my siblings and I behaved perfectly, my father would somehow find something to get angry about. There was nothing relaxing about our home.
“When I met Isaac through a friend, I couldn’t believe how easy-going he appeared. He was always smiling and seemed to be super relaxed, just the opposite of my father in every way. His good looks didn’t hurt either, and I think that was all I needed to believe that he would make me happy. I realize now that I never stopped to consider whether we had anything in common intellectually, which we don’t, or if much of what he said made any logical sense, which it usually didn’t. I was just carried away by his calm veneer and good looks. I’ve been struggling a lot for quite some time, trying to figure out how I could have been so short-sighted. But it’s so true that ‘youth is wasted on the young.’ I wish I could go back in time and have a good talk with the twenty-year-old Beverly and open her eyes. Maybe that’s something we all wish for. Had someone tried to explain things to me back then, I would not be sitting in your office right now with Isaac.
“I’m not sure how relevant or irrelevant this might be, but Isaac grew up with a cruel father. Isaac has never said so to me and possibly not even to himself, but I can tell you that he’s not a nice man, and I can feel compassion for Isaac being raised by such a man.
“So, over the years, Isaac has done and said many things that made no sense to me. He comes up with ideas from who knows where and holds onto them like a pit bull. Nothing I say to him penetrates. He comes up with things that make me think we’re from different planets. I don’t relate to him in most ways, and I’ve never really been happy in this marriage. That’s the truth. But this latest idea of his is really over the top. I don’t mind working. I’ve often worked and actually enjoy being productive. But the sheer laziness and quid pro quo nature of his thinking is too much already. I’ve told this straight to Isaac’s face and I’ll say this again in front of the two of you: I’m not prepared to stay in a marriage where my healthy husband is lounging around all day, waiting for me to pay all the bills. It’s not going to happen. If you think you have some magic up your sleeve that will enable him to see the light, that would be great. But I don’t have my hopes up very high.”
My Thoughts
In no world would Beverly’s reaction be seen as unreasonable. But what was up with Isaac? What caused his thinking to be so warped in some basic ways? And even while Beverly was saying that she was not prepared to stay in a marriage where she was expected to support the two of them, Isaac continued to smile as if we were discussing a beautiful, sunny day.
I felt my work should focus on Isaac and see whether he was penetrable. We met together for several sessions and it seemed as though I was constantly hitting a brick wall. Whether Isaac fell somewhere on the spectrum or his childhood trauma damaged him in ways that even he had no access to, I was having a hard time getting through. Isaac continued to show up on time, be polite, and smile away, but his armor was more powerful that the typical armors I’ve dealt with and I wasn’t having much success. Furthermore, there was a clear pattern emerging. Isaac was unable or incapable of having too many logical conversations. His mind worked in a way that was unfamiliar to me, and clearly Beverly experienced the same thing throughout their marriage.
In the interim, I received a call from Beverly telling me that she appreciated my efforts but felt she had no recourse but to begin divorce proceedings. In my last session with Isaac, we discussed this news flash. He shared with me that he was unhappy about her decision, that it was not what he wanted, but he wasn’t going to back down and was prepared to move on with his life without her. Never wanting to stop trying, I asked Isaac whether he wanted to continue with individual therapy with the hope that I could at some point crack the code for getting through to Isaac. With a lovely smile on his face, Isaac responded, “No, thanks.” n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.