DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Few groups take care of their own the way we Orthodox Jews do. I’d like to think that most responsible parents feed, clothe, educate, and provide for their children’s needs. But where we veer off from the norm is when our children reach the age of maturity and should be taking care of themselves, this is where we go beyond the call of duty. Yet, the prevailing opinion is that it’s our duty to take on the burden of financially supporting our children, and if we don’t there’s something wrong with us, not the system we created.
For instance, in the greater world, once a child graduates from college, they are expected to fend for themselves. And if they have reached this milestone, it’s assumed they are earning enough to support themselves, which means they can pay their own rent, finance their own car, pay for insurance, food, etc. This is not seen as some kind of punishment, just a rite of passage. They are now adults and it’s time they started acting like one and becoming fully independent.
In our world, there are a lot of expectations for the parents, which seem to be constantly growing. In many circles, the expectation is that once a young couple gets married, both sides take on the responsibility of furnishing the apartment, paying rent, in addition to a whole host of other financial obligations. Back in the day (way back in the day) you were lucky if one set of parents purchased a bedroom set. After that, you somehow made it work. And we did make it work, even if it meant living with an empty living room for a couple of years.
As an aside, it seems that people raised by European parents are getting much more than their American counterparts. This, of course, is a generalization, but somehow the European approach is to take care of their children more generously. Again, this is not set in stone, just an observable pattern.
Back to the burden of supporting a twenty-something-year old as they approach the life of an independent grown-up; albeit with a great deal of help from Mom and Dad. If the parents have plenty of money to spare and are generous in nature, there’s no problem. They can spend a bundle on the wedding, pay rent on the apartment, furnish said apartment, bankroll vacations, wardrobes, and even help with sundry items. Seriously, all good. No one is worse for wear. In fact, this may be one of the reasons why parents worked so hard for years, so they could be in the position to launch the next generation. And sometimes several generations thereafter. But, for those parents who don’t have a lot of spare cash lying around, and may even be struggling to meet their own monthly obligations, the idea that they are responsible for their grown children’s expenses can feel like an enormous burden and a source of guilt.
Furthermore, when you find two parents with opposing beliefs, winding up in a therapist’s office, as we will see with Aaron and Michelle, is not a stretch because life suddenly gets very complicated.
He Said
Forty-five-year-old Aaron starts out appearing uncomfortable to be meeting with a therapist, but once he gets going, he relaxes and speaks with a great deal of determination and belief that he has a good case to present. He talks about growing up in a blue-collar neighborhood where parents worked hard at honest work and took pride in being responsible and always showing up. He joined his father in his plumbing business and eventually took it over when his father retired. It was a neighborhood shop and neither Aaron nor his father ever tried to grow it into something more than it was. But they always enjoyed a great reputation for honesty and hard work.
He and Michelle married at ages twenty-three and twenty-two respectively. Times were different then, but neither Aaron nor Michelle expected anything from their parents. They were financially independent from day one and felt good about it. Aaron didn’t propose to Michelle until he had enough money saved up to buy a beautiful engagement ring for her. He never expected his parents to pay for that or for the lovely bracelet he gave Michelle. Aaron recalls taking a great deal of pride in feeling grown-up enough to make these purchases completely on his own.
“So, what brings you to my office today?” I asked. Now, Aaron leaned forward and got absolutely serious. “Our oldest son, Moshe, is twenty-one years old. He’s been dating a young woman now for close to two years. We’ve met her many times already and are very fond of her. They’ve recently told us that they are planning on getting engaged and would like to get married sometime soon. Moshe, unlike me, is not interested in going into the family business. He has seen how hard I work and how exhausted I am when I get home from work. He’s always said that he wants a desk job. Fine with me. No reason he should do the same tough physical work I’ve always done. It has taken a lot out of me and I’m proud of him for making a better choice for himself.
“The problem is that he has another year and a half of school ahead of him, and who’s to say he’ll get a job right out of the gate. His girlfriend is studying to be an occupational therapist, but she also has another year of school ahead of her. And from what I’ve heard, her parents aren’t in a position to help them out much financially, if at all.
“Michelle is excited about marrying off our son and having a daughter-in-law. When I inquire about how they will support themselves until they are both working, Michelle seems to get all glassy-eyed and says, ‘We’ll help them out as long as we have to.’ Now, I’m not saying we’re poor. Michelle works as a teacher and together we’ve always managed to pay our bills on time and even occasionally take a small vacation. I try to put some money away for retirement because I know I won’t be able to do this kind of work forever. But we’re not rich people, by any stretch of the imagination. When I ask Michelle for more details, like, ‘How are we going to do that?’ She responds by saying, ‘Maybe you can work a longer day or maybe we can refinance our home so that we’ll have enough to make a beautiful wedding, furnish an apartment, yadda, yadda, yadda.’ Four years ago, I finally paid off our mortgage. It was such an exciting moment for me: I felt like celebrating. What an accomplishment! And now Michelle wants to start all over again? I think she’s delusional.
“I feel very strongly that Moshe needs to wait until he’s able to fully support his wife before he goes ahead and proposes. If you’re grown-up enough to get married, you should be grown-up enough to support your family.”
She Said
Michelle has a deflated look about her, like someone just burst her balloon. Though Aaron talked a good game, I certainly wanted to hear Michelle explain her position and give her the opportunity to present their dilemma from her perspective. I asked her to please share her feelings.
“Aaron is a very proud man,” Michelle began. “And he has every right to feel proud of himself. He has never taken a dime from anyone, has always worked hard to provide for his family, and has a strong sense of right and wrong. I’ve always admired him for that. Unfortunately, he’s out of touch with the real world. He doesn’t schmooze with friends the way I do. He doesn’t understand what things look like out there these days. I have friends who have married off children and every one of them has helped out their kids in one way or another. Some to a ridiculous degree and some in more trivial ways. But these days, for kids to get started, they definitely need a boost from their parents.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “But what happens when parents are simply not in a position to support children for a year or two?” “Well,” Michelle continued. “You need to know that Moshe and his girlfriend are not spoiled kids. They are not expecting to be bankrolled in some luxurious lifestyle. They just want to be together. I’ve spoken to them about all of this a great deal. They would be happy living in a basement apartment, eating pasta five nights a week. But they’ve been dating for a long time already and it’s hard for them not to be married. I get that. I’m able to understand their emotional needs. Aaron is very practical and can only see this situation through a logical lens, rather than a romantic, feeling place.”
“Again,” I responded. “I hear what you’re saying. It must be difficult for them and for you watching them pine away for each other so passionately. But even living in a basement apartment eating pasta five nights a week costs money. Particularly if we’re talking about a minimum of a year. Where do you see this money coming from?”
Michelle responded, “We can refinance our home. We’re still young and have time to pay it off. I know Aaron loves the idea of being debt free, but I believe that’s a luxury that not everyone can afford. We do what we need to do for the greater good. I firmly believe that the greater good right now is enabling Moshe and his girlfriend to get married. They are a great couple and it’s clear to me that they belong together, whatever it takes.”
My Thoughts
Both Aaron and Michelle presented solid cases. Aaron’s sense of integrity and responsibility were admirable. But perhaps Aaron wasn’t in touch with today’s expectations in terms of parents bending over backwards to support their children. Is this situation occasionally taken to an extreme? Absolutely. But we are living in the frum world where most parents sacrifice for their children.
As we discussed matters further, one issue that came up was the fact that Michelle didn’t understand how hard Aaron worked each day and how taxing it was on his body. Since Aaron wasn’t one to complain, Michelle didn’t fully appreciate the physical toll it took on him. Most men in their community didn’t do the physical type of labor that Aaron did, and though until now he kept it to himself, he often felt “less than” and “unappreciated.” This was an important conversation they could not avoid. Frankly, Michelle hadn’t given it enough attention all the years of their marriage and it was helpful for Aaron that Michelle understands what his day looked and felt like. Hearing how hard Aaron worked each day, Michelle realized that expecting him to put in an even longer day was out of the question. Everyone needs to feel appreciated, and until now, Aaron hadn’t felt it. This newfound awareness was helpful toward their ultimate conversation and negotiation.
Once we explored the emotional components of their differences, we went on to discuss practical matters. Had Moshe actually looked around to see what basement apartments cost? Were they considering furnished apartments or was there some kind of expectation of furniture being gifted to them? Were Moshe and his girlfriend thinking of working summers and even part-time while still in school? Did any of them check out the cost of a modest wedding and would they be comfortable with such a wedding? Finally, was there an amount that Aaron might be comfortable taking on as a home improvement loan?
Once we explored the emotional and the practical components of their differences, both Aaron and Michelle no longer found themselves at opposite ends and were able to focus on some practical solution to make their joy of expanding their family a possibility. And in the end, they were confident that they could make it work. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.